Stressed Yet Indifferent

Well, I remembered very clearly. This time last year I was super stressed, I practically study everyday, hour, minute and second (or i think i tried to). And every second that I did not mug, I will feel its a second lost. What's worse is that I will keep thinking that the whole world is mugging like mad. Its some sort of kiasuism.

Yet, this year its different. By this time, I already know that its impossible for me to finish studying every single piece of notes, so I am not touching all my nice nice text book for good. What's worse is I still can't get my supposedly engine started. I guess I have to pay for the price for being so slack this year. I've stopped studying to my fullest potential, perhaps thats explains all the Cs that I have been getting. Well, slight disappointment I must say, its a bit like fallen from grace. Yet I have to admit that I do deserve it.

Well, I dun ask for much this time, just hope that after every paper I won't feel any guilt. Hopefully, I've worked to by best with my current state of mind. Age Quod Ageis was the motto of my school. Hopefully I still keep up to it.

Some thoughts just keep flashing into my mind about how did we landed up like this. Like this refer to us being so competitive. Something Prof Chew mentioned did linger. He said that we are so kiasu because we are all the high fliers, we are so used to compete and outdoing everyone. That's why when you put all of us together we fight like nobody business. We wanna ace in exams, we wanna finish lab work the fastest and we wanna start seeing patients 1st. So hang on, if everyone wanna be 1st, then who's gonna be last? On second thought perhaps we all just dun wanna be last.

Which category does u fall into: Wanna be 1st or dun wanna be last? Really, it doesnt matter. To each his own I guess. I can lament on the fact the whole world mug like mad. But who is to blame when I decided to slack and let my grades fall. Still myself eventually. Anyways, when u can't change how the world goes, the least u could do is to understand. With understanding you will perhaps know why. This will be more important than getting into viva. Coz you will be accept the way others and yourself act. Prediction of outcome will come as a secondary bonus.

Lotsa funny thoughts in my mind now. Just thinking that if i can foresee that by putting in 45% effort to study can get one through the exam with merely passing grades, will the person simply put in 45% or will he do more.(Assuming everyone would like to pass) If more then how much more. Just a thought that dun really make sense unless u are me.

Anyways, I've realised that I'm different.

I cannot blog at home

So this is done in school.. My laptop is so screwed that I really wish I could have a new one. haiz.. wat to do. Anyways my main priority is to mug now. Gtg byebye.

Mindless Entry

I dunno wat's going on with me. I think I am in a state of denial. I dun wanna to know the truth. I dun wanna know wat's going on. All I know is that I am upset and I am sad. I can't be bothered to care about other ppl anymore. Not even their feelings. I screamed at my dad, my mum, my sis and my gal. I guess thats pure evil. I spreading my unhappiness to everyone around me. Basically I think they all still care for me. But I just want more concern from everyone who I thought should love me.

Stress from exams, stress from classmates, stress from family and stress from my gal. Perhaps, I'm just weak, I just wanna get through all these without doing anything, as I'm too lazy to. Some stuffs I realised I really cannot handle, cannot decide cannot forsee how its going to be. Yet, I'm forced to handle, to decide and of course to foresee how things will end. Maybe I should face things off one at a time. With my exams as the top priority for now I guess.

I really need to get through this hurdle again, and I know it will be with much difficulties. I can't get myself to focus with so much things on my mind. I just hope that for the time being nothing else will bug me and let me be a mugging machine like many others. But thats just daydream. Life is about multitasking. I can't just settle stuffs one at a time and ignore the rest totally. Coz problems are just not like homework. Problems can get out of your control, by the time u get back to them its probably too late.

I hate growing up to be the person I am supposed to be. I am supposed to be smart since I am in Uni. I am supposed to be rich since I am in dentistry and dentisit are rich, although there are some I know that barely made ends meet. I am supposed to stay with my parents even if I were to get married since I am the only son. I am supposed to be so many things that I forgot who am I really supposed to be.

I dun hate my life. I fact I think I have a great life. Its just that its hard to make decisions and the whole world is pushing you to. How I wish I can be back to the days that all I need to decide is what I want to eat in my tuckshop.

Yet, with as much maturity that I have acquired for the past years. Running away cannot resolve problems. Face them and bear the responsibilities, the consequences. With no regrets, with no shame, with no guilt. At most it hurts. Well, get hurt more then I will get use to it, then perhaps it doesnt hurt anymore.

All said and done. Try to study is still the top task on the list. Free my mind from worries and not let it wander. For the ability to control the mind is the greatest of all strengths. Emotions be second perhaps.

Life is great. But can should be better.

By the way Happy Chinese New Year