School Is Like Dementor

2 days of school. That's all it takes to remove all happiness in me. So much for the festive season. Thank to the 5 day weeks, the school is giving us crazy schedule. 0800-1730 i thought was bad. They decide to give us extra lecture as and when they wish until 1830 today. I foresee it might well continue this way.

Labless day is killer, fighting the Zzzz Monster ever since morning. And yah I was late for school this morning, just the 2nd day. Well, I guess, I'm suffering for post-hols sydrome, and pre-exam sydrome at the same time. Dun really know why I am damn stressed up these days. Can't explain, perhaps my instinct tell me that things are going to be real bad for this crazy short term. Come to think of it its just 13 weeks and I'll (hopefully) be in Year 3 and will be starting to see patients.

Realised that my abilty to do my work properly is really not there, in other words, I'm still not comfortable with my use of indirect vision. Most of the time, the water spray will blured everything, and I'll resort to tactile sensation or worse unethical use for direct vision if its a female patient, probably she'll be screaming of molest. I see more problems with my bad posture once I enter clinic. Got to try correct it soon I hope.

Guess, i should waste precious time writing, sleep is priority now. Anytime and anywhere.

Christmas Party Once More

Just got home from Class Party at Geng Feng's house. Lotsa missing faces compared to last year, but still its always nice to have a reason to gather around together. Where u will start playing funny games that u might have long forgotten. Bear and hunter game reminded me of the Chinese New Year Celebration at Teck Siang's house long long time ago. Though images of the night are still vivid in my mind.

Anyways, thanks to all who came, and geng feng who has kindly offered his place, and of course to Yonghe who planned most of the stuffs. Hopefully, we'll be able to hold such parties even after we graduated from Dentistry. Nice memories like these, I hope will be sustained. Wish of another CYN celebration at Teck Siang's house with those faces I yearned to see, and emotions I fondered for, seems impossible. What's lost cannot be found.

Time flies, I still remembered my Christmas entry 1 year ago, also after the class party. I'm amazed at how things have changed, and changes beyond my control. Friendship, I admit I spoil it. Trying to revive I swear I tried. But things can never be the same again. Well, that's life I guess, you win some, you lose some. The privilege to buy Lulin a Christmas gift is something I've won. Not predicament like Wei Song has jokingly put it. Guess I'm tired, not making any sense now.

Have Urself a Merry Little `X'mas

DAMN I FAILED

Got a bad news from Wei Song today. I failed my radiology competency test. I must say that I really didn't expect that to happened. Until I realised that what I failed was the Bitewing competency part which was invigilated by A/P Loh Fun Chee. I can't help but to think that he failed me becoz I had once stepped on his toes before, and I'm not exactly a very well behaved student in class, rather than the fact that I am incompetent.

I'm sorry if I do sound arrogrant, I have complete confidence in my radiograph taking ability especially for bitewing. I have taken no less than a 100 bitewing radiographs before, and was sure that I did rather well that day. Anyways the results is fixed, there is no way that I could argue that I did correct that day since he is the only one who could give judgement. I really feel I do not deserve to fail. If I ever find out that he failed me just becoz he was prejudice towards me, which in fact I have already assumed so. He will lose the very bit of respect I have for him.

Damn, I sounded like I can't take failure. But I believed those who know will understand why I can't help but to think this way. If I really deserved to fail, I will jolly well take it as a learning opportunity, but I hated to have failed just becoz I'm not in favour of the examiner. No matter whether he judge me as failed or passed. All I have to say is I have total, complete confidence that I am capable of taking radiograph for my future patients. I do not need him to judge my ability, but sad to say, I need him to pass me just for me to move on and be able to start clinics.

I hated this system, where ppl who play as judges r never impartial. Some better, some worse. I'm Disappointed.

I've Got Mail(SMS)

Now I believe. Believe in telepathy. I was at home the whole day waiting for Lulin's call. Spent my day in front of the TV set. Refused to go out for lunch, dinner and supper, afraid that she might call and I'll miss the call if I were to be out.

As the day goes, I got more disappointed. Finally, I was lying on my bed, about to send her a good night sms telling her about my day, telling her I spent my day waiting for her call, telling her I missed her. I thought that all my smses ever since she left have never reached her becoz I thought she dun have autoroaming. Wanna surprise her when she come back and find that her phone full of my smses.

Anyways as I was halfway through my good night sms to her, I got a msg. I read the msg and couldnt believe my eyes that its from her. She has to save batt so we only got to sms chat for a while. But now, I'm so happy that I couldn't sleep. I thought I would not have any news of her for the day, was hoping for better luck tomolo already.

I realised that she has been receiving my sms, perhaps she thought I've forgotten about her for today thats why she decided to msg me. I admit its my fault coz I thought a goodnite sms would suffice for a day I spent doing nothing at home, so sorry that I'm a fool.

Perhaps, this entry seems a bit too personal, but I just wanna share my joy. Perhaps I just wanna note this feeling down while its still rushing through me. Damn I guess I can't sleep liao. 4 more days before she will be back.

Random Pictures Of Buildings

A Day With Me & Myself

Well, I realised I've have not been spending time with myself. Yesterday was quite rewarding for me. I went around town just to get a study chair. In the end I got one at the Furniture Mall. Not that the design is anything that I liked. But the fact that its rather affordable compared to all those that I've seen. Besides that I have to DIY fix the chair myself give me the extra bonus to buy it. That's one of the reasons why I like Ikea stuffs coz I love to fix things up myself.

Anyways, as I was saying spending the day walking around alone maybe quite rewarding as well. I get to see the stuffs that I like, and probably I'm the only freak that love to shop (window shop more appropriately) for furnitures, walk around taking random pictures of buildings and stuffs. It felt so much better a day compared to spending my day bumming at home or walking aimlessly at Orchard. Well, like I said, I'm a freak.


The Chair I Really Wanted.

Can you believe that this chair actually cost $990 but can get its imitation for around $130. This was taken at the furniture museum where they show many different chair designs back from the 1800s to present. Got lotsa toy like models on display as well. Too bad I was stopped by one of the staff from taking more pictures.

Well, its a nice day being alone.

She Left On A Jet Plane

This is the 1st night. I really missed talking to her on phone. I think back of all the times I multitasked while chatting with her. I regret. Walked around town today, images of us walking along the same path keep flashing. Lunching at Lido which we often does, Bench Resting the at City Link which we always take photos of walking feet, Pacific Coffee Company which we retopping up the whip cream. When she's back we'll go again. She said she will call (if she could) halfway through her trip, I'm looking forward to that. Hopefully she got internet access there and see my blog. Perhaps then I wun need to wait so long.

Anyways, today met up with the guys for lunch, movie and ice cream. Suddenly, school seems to be so much real again to me. Nice to get back in touch with reality. But now, I'll still enjoy while i could. Thanks for waking me up. Looks like my choice of lending my friend WC3 cd is indeed correct. Though my initial intention is so that I can stop multitasking when talking to Lulin and getting my biological clock right. But look at the time, I dun need dota to keep me up at night, TV can as well.

Meeting with friends, makes me glad. Perhaps, more for friends that I can confide in. I must admit Andy is a great listener. Sorry to bore you. Maybe I dun show well. But, I'm glad to have made a frd like u. Meet again when Eugene is back. Another friend I'm glad to meet and not lost. Appreciate u friends, they are more important than u ever think they are. They wun realised themselves too. I'm sadden that I've let so many go.

I think too much as always, future seems to much for me too bear. I see gloom. I despaired. Perhaps, simple way to handle is to focus on the present. Why waste energy on things which need no more attention now.

PEACE PLEASE

Supposed to be my mugging day. Apparently it didn't work out. Spent most of my time finding out stuff that I think is rather irrevelant to my coming tests. Somehow the death of Arafat sort of have a impact on me. To me, I never thought that I will even care. However, seeing how fragile peace is in Israel. I can't help but to feel lucky that things turned out right for Singapore. We were just as fragile in the 50s. Can't help but got to say a word of thank to MM Lee. Well, personally I do have great admiration for him. Perhaps, not all Singaporeans.

Maybe, once u got peace, you dun seems to treasure it as much. Many like me have no qualms of going to sleep every night and assuming that life will be as per normal the next day. Not so for those in Israel I guess. Just wanna tell ppl that please don't take the peace, stablility and safety for granted. I do that all the time. And perhaps learn to appreciate the government more, although I must say that I do get irked with some policies made. Still it should not overwrite the merits.

Anyways, Peace to Middle East. I hope.

For Lulin

This blog is going to be delicated for my gal. This very 1st line is so hard to write. Perhaps, I'm just paiseh to shout out to the whole world that I'm so in love with her. So everytime when I wanna write about all the nice nice things she has done for me. I would be rather subtle. Or perhaps, I'm just selfish. I refused to share all these stuffs with other ppl. Think I really dun wanna share.

Never will I praise her, so that others will never get to see why she is the love of my life. Legolas once joked that why on earth will I fall for a gal like her. I said, I've found a treasure that he has failed to see.

I'm not saying she is perfect. Well, perfect for me though. I guess I shd not continue. Dun wanna turn my blog into a love letter station. Our privacy r our own. I just wanna tell the world and her, I'm glad I've found her. I know u r not perfect, and I'm sorry that neither am I. Hope u r glad to be with me.

Loneliness?

I concluded I am afraid of loneliness. I dreaded coming home today becoz I know the whole of my family are staying over at Downtown East Chalets tonight. Maybe I'm just born this way. I love to be with ppl. Perhaps, I feel so much more secure. Actually not. I realised I just don't like to be alone. And I can be secure alone like now. Most ppl actually ended up spending most of their life alone. I hope I won't.

Fortunate me had Lulin. She decided to eat dinner with me. That made my day I guess. Even getting a C for my Pharm test dun upset me. (Pls note that I am a rather competitive man. Maybe some might say that I shd not complain since I have passed.) Just wanna thank her. Too tired now to write now. Perhaps another day.

SIANZzzzz.

Before I knew it, weekend is already over. Its just sad that I did not do anything that I wanted to. Perhaps life is just mundane for me. School is just too long. Everyday even Saturday, I barely had enough rest and fun, and I and jumping back to work again.

I am really quite sick of this cycle. Yet come to think of it, what can I do if I were to be given the time? I had the whole of today, but there is just no one that I can go out with. Even if there is, I can't think of anything that I would really like to do. Maybe, I would like to go down to the beach, go to Downtown East or just go relax somewhere perhaps a spa. Actually, as long I can be with someone I wanna be with, I dun mind stoning.

Well, maybe this is going to sound rather loser, something that I hate to admit. There is nothing constructive that I have done over the weekend. SIANZ.. is the exact word to describe. I need some excitements in my life. Well, I going to jump back into mugging again when all the tests starts coming, maybe by then I won't have the chance to think of all these stupid stuffs.

Pardon the lousy entry, I'm writing crap, just wanna vent some frustrations.

Problematic PBL and Me

Again come the time to struggle between writing or sleeping. I write.

I've spent most of my hometime staring at this screen today, simply for the problem-based learning(PBL) session tomolo. Perhaps, I seriously dun take this lesson seriously. Yet thru the search for the materials (actually its dental materials) I'm supposed to present tomolo, I've found several more interesting facts of dentistry. However, I shall not burden u guys with something that "interesting", coz I presume most will not even have the slightest keeness of knowing more about them. Of course unless u r a dental student, even then still maybe not. Well, anyways the story end of the same way. I'm going to smoke my way (hopefully) through tomolo. I swear i did put in effort to get my work done for the past 3-4 hrs.

I did not realised I was on the com for so long, perhaps becoz I was chatting with Lulin and sending her photos with the HELLO picture sharing program. Its really quite cute. Smiley faces will zoom down the screen when u msg ur frd a smiley face. (She is my only frd on the list, ie its exclusive) Though I was stunned the 1st time I saw it. Anyways, we managed to keep ourselves entertained and at the same time struggling to search for journals with my super slow navigator.

A small surprise today, kept me happy for the day. Its now in my cabinet of nice, nice things.

I guess the only worry I have is my backache, simply becoz its weird. Perhaps, I'm the only one who got backache while swallowing food, provided I ate with my right hand. Left is fine. Who on earth can believe this except myself? Even I can't. Somehow my MVP doesnt seems that bad anymore, Prof said most ppl dun die if proper treatment is adminstered if an infection does occur. So I guess my worry of me collapsing out of the blue is kind of silly. Perhaps, I may still collapse well at least its comforting to know that probably I can be saved. Most importantly of all, I study at NUH, if I were to collapse in school, help is super near.

Treasure Health, Worship Life.

Soul Therapy

Sadly, I struggled to decide whether to write my blog or do other more worthy stuff, such as studying for my test on coming Saturday and sleeping. For once I defeated the Mug Devil and Zzz Monster. I figured that I should write for soul therapy. Perhaps after not writing for so long, I've lost touched. Lotsa of thoughts rushing, yet no words typing.

Things are moving very fast for me. So fast, I felt I was in a dream.
Things are changing rapidly around me. So rapid, I felt I was left behind.

Works comes and works done, I questioned if I've learnt enough. The very fact that I could possibly graduate in 2yrs 8mths time delight me, yet cast fear in me. The simplest question: Do I know what I am doing? Remained a myth. I could do labworks, I could study for tests, I could attend lectures and pretend I understand. But does it equates to my competency. I swear I've tried. I've reassured. I've yet to convince myself. I am always trying to move faster, ahead of the crowd. Maybe I'm competitive, maybe I don't feel good behind, perhaps I feel good to be ahead. Whatever the reason, the cause. The fact is that I do rush. I bet the whole of my class too. But is that a reason good enough for me to compromise? I've compromised I know I did. Perfectionism is a thing of my past. Perhaps, the only comfort I can get is the fact that I do understand. I know what I am doing. I shall not doubt my peers though I do worry for some. Yet, why worry?

The relationship of the class has changed and is changing. Eugene once said only change remained constant in life. Perhaps, this change was unsurprising though rather uncomfortable. Groups formed or should I just said friendship forged. I was upset that I was excluded in some, yet glad that I've found more worthy companions. Somehow, I felt that groups are always formed when people started excluding others, and eventually form a group of people that have not been excluded. Fortunately or unfortunately, this is the way people behave. I should have taken things at its stride, yet a comment recently struck me hard.

"People are less friendly these days"

I said no, though I figured its rather true. People are only friendly to those in their "group", although some are less exclusive than others. I dun blame them, in fact I do behave that way as well. Though I do feel uncomfortable under that setting. I keep looking through the class photo last year and tried to recall how nice it was when everyone likes everyone. Perhaps its the competition in school, or perhaps its just natural that things move this way. My only hope is that I dun hear bad-mouthings or backstabbings. I only feel safe with those that I could trust. Maybe that's another reason why people group together, just to feel safe, just to feel included. But its sad to see that ppl conformed for the sake of staying on in their own group. And yet again, perhaps its only natural that people do change.

That's quite a cynical and perhaps depressing entry. Well, at the very least, I am able to accept mouthings and stabbings better, and hopefully practise forgiveness. Be nice I'll try.

1st Picture

Me and Lulin

Well, finally I figured out how to put pictures on my blog. Good try I figured.

Com Screwed Again

I declare myself a total computer idiot. I stupidly downloaded the SP2 to update my laptop unknowningly that it clashes with the NUS system. And therefore the whole system crashed again. Once again I cannot access my wireless that I am paying almost 70 bucks every month. Well, looking at the brighter (less dim perhaps) side, I will not be wasting time on MSN and can spend more time on sleeping or mugging for my coming tests.

Well, so far so good, just left with a Pharmacology Term exam coming next Friday. The rest of the tests went quite well I guess. Given the lack of motivation and effort, I guess getting a pass will be more than sufficient for me. Somehow I've lost that drive, or maybe I have diverted it to my lab work that seems to be more impt to me now.

Anyways, life as a dental student is just gonna be as such I figured. Stuck in a viscious cycle of tests after tests, lab works and more lab works. Sometimes, I'll feel so guilty for not catching up with my old friends. Especially now with my internet down and msnless. Well, take care ppl, dun forget me, I'm still alive though school is tough. Somehow I figured that we will always get there (graduate with our dearest BDS).

Signing off.. using student lounge computer..

Holiday? Not Quite..

Finally the long awaited so-called holiday came. School ended well with 2 impressions and 4 casts poured. Not to forget Trifac bash where the Juniors came in 1st in the dance competition. Quite a surprise to bump into a couple a old friends that night. Wendy came as one of the judges and Wee Lin which I met while giving out the door gift with Lulin. I went thru the day with my stupid flu and sore throat which is showing no signs of recovery. Sleep more perhaps I should.

Well, although vacation is supposed to begin tomorrow yet I'll still be waking up early and be on my way to NUS simply for a 1hr lecture on Pathology. Which kind of sux. And I realised that its going to be this way for quite a no. of days. So I guess I'll still be in school rather often. On top of that, I figured that this holiday should be renamed as a study break. Well right after my hols there will be 4 tests coming. Dental materials which till now I have no idea where to read up from. Occlusion which I have managed to sustained a 100% sleeping in lectures record. (Reason I dun sleep in Dental Material is becoz its Prof Chew conducting the lecture who will have no qualm to kick your ass right out of his class). Pathology, which without background of Histology I'm still in a total blur. Pharmacology, the best amongst all I figured I managed to listen in lectures but still without a text to refer to I'm still kind of lost. Well I guess the worse part is that I am totally not in the mood to mug. Perhaps that thinking needs reformation. Better be within these few days. I know I've got to work.. Perhaps its just a bit hard to get the engine started.

Well, at least I have something to look forward to every morning when I force myself to get up of bed and drag myself to school. Seeing her is perhaps the best thing about school. Though sometimes I'll be rather distracted in a crowd. I know that i can get quite crazy and loud when I'm with bunch of ppl. Still, my eyes will be on you. This is perhaps the very 1st blog entry delicated to you after saying for so long. Well, I understand why you will feel neglected at times, I'll probably feel the same if I were you. Yet, I figured I'm just like that when I'm in a crowd. Thanks for trying to understand and bearing with me. Not many can. I must say that I'm glad to be with you. Fortunate I must say I am.

I kind of digress from my issue that this hols is not quite the same as the norm. Well, like I said at least I wun mind school that much with you around. Still to all my fellow classmates : Happy Holidays.

Finally... I'm Back

Finally, this supposedly helpful, useful or whatever piece of technology is fixed.. In fact, its not really fixed yet. Still have some screw up here and there that I just can't pin point. For all who dunno my laptop was down since donkey months ago. I just checked my mails and realised that I have a good 150 emails b4 my mailbox was declared flooded. So sorry to all that have emailed me or been trying to contact me through the internet. Well, I was too lazy to go through all the mails as well.. so I sort of pressed Ctrl A and Del.. Erm.. so dun be surprised if u dun get my reply.. Not that its worth anything.. Well.. So many things happened within this few months that I can even believe how I survived so long without the internet.. Maybe becoz I got other focus in life :)

Anyways will be writing something more decent the next time. Kind of tired after trying to figure out how to fix this thing for so long.. Sorry to my fans if there is any that u guys waited so long. And i've lost all my emails contacts so friends out there if u see this entry can u please just drop me a mail. I swear i wun anyhow delete anymore.. I hope..

Fight Back To School

Well, so far so good. 1st week of school is just 1/2 day away from over. I guess the pressure has not built up yet. Maybe we r kind of used to the lab lifestyle. Its no longer that much of a cultural shock to me anymore. I have gotten used to the fact that we will be rushing to finish the unfinishable job no matter how fast u can be. So the best way is simply to take things at ur own pace and just got to make sure that u dun fall to far back behind. To the few who got the bad news again on Monday. Dun get disheartened. Coz the race has just started only. We will get there eventually together. Still we have to work hard just to make sure.

Perhaps all the tests and bugging stuffs have not enter the stress picture yet. That's why I am still going out every other day. Maybe I shd take some time to rest and stop fall asleep in class and not miss anymore class(which I have in fact missed 2 for the 1st week). So much for school I guess.

I've got a couple of good news for the week I guess. That have kept me entertained and delighted for the week. The upset will probably be Portugal's defeat again and my laptop is getting from bad to worse, Trojan Bugs proliferate. Can't wait to go get my Adidas Bag.

Last Day Of Hols & Euro.

What a great way to spend my last day of the holidays. Bumming ard at home doing nothing. Read camera user guide which luckily turned out to be quite useful. Watched a super duper lame HK VCD. Slept my afternoon away. The most exciting today is probably getting to drive my cousin-in-law Hyundai Sonata. Well, its definitely one of the largest car I have driven. I was a bit shocked when he asked me to drive his car and tell me that if i need the car I can ask from him if I want to. Well.. I would really like to drive for APDSA and 75th Anniversary dinner though, but still driving someone else's car still have a certain stress factor. I was rather tense coz I really dun wanna cause any damage. Moreover he entrusted me with the car without doubt. Anyways, I'm quite a safe driver I must say.

I was thinking back of this hols and was glad that it was quite well spent. I have more happy days than sad days. Nothing can really upset me except for one I guess. Someone asked me how's things going? All I can said is things are fine I guess. The truth is that I am not quite sure how I ended up in thing situation. But I'm okay with it. So just let things be I guess.

Not much inspirational thoughts these days. Sorry for the boring entry. Guess the incoming entries will be more on bitching about work and school. And Lets Hope Portugal Can Beat Greece Later!

Just Updates

Many have commented that I have not been writing. I guess really have nothing significant to say that I could say here. Anyways this 3 weeks hols is rather enjoyable. Although most of the time I spent in on the coming FOC, be it for presentation, for games and canvassing. I really do find working together with my classmates very enjoyable. We are always make working together fun, Perhaps with the crap we crapped. Except for the rude doctor I've met on Friday. The whole FOC preparation has definitely been more enjoyable than I have expected myself to.

I have always been a rather individualistic person. I usually dun like to work in group even in pair. Perhaps, I am rather self-centred or I just simply like to work alone. Well.. I guess we all have to learn to work with others. I think I am not doing a fantastic jobs. Coz misunderstandings always happen becoz I rarely see others' view I guess it really voice down to my style of work. Sorry to those that I have irritated becoz of my insensitivity. I really do not mean it. I will try to work better with u guys but please try to understand.

Anyways, class gathering was quite nice. Its quite a homely gathering, its always nice to see the old faces around. Doing some catching-up with these old friends. Pot-Luck did not screw up this time round, thanks to Wayne. Too bad we did not get to kill Pinakin. Maybe some other time. Anyways got to thank Wayne for offering his place. Eugene for coming out with the idea. And everyone who brought food including myself. By the way, Shuling ur mudpie is really very nice, although I indeed got tummyache after that. U will make a good housewife.

Hopefully this entry can satisfy some of my loyal readers like Wanyi.

Holiday Again

Finally special term is over. Yet as I compared this special term to the whole of my Yr 1 life. I definitely must say that special term is a lot more interesting and related to my course. I love working in the lab and clinic. Hated lectures these days. Perhaps becoz I find it very boring and dry. And I have this tendency to get caught sleeping in lecture though I always hide myself already. Anyways its over.

Yet come to think of it. Its only the beginning. I foresee our Yr 2 life to be as such. I can't wait to learn more and be more competent as a clinician. But to do that perhaps I should stay awake more often in lecture.

Anyways, still I thank god for the hols. Needed a break. Not much plans for the hols except to rest and play. Perhaps Swim, Windsurf and watch Euro and a long awaited JC-class outing. Hopefully can have more soccer sessions, coz I'm having a soccer fever.

Unlucky Yet I Felt OK

Well, before I start my entry on how bad was my day yesterday. I must thank all who showered me with care and concern. And Kenneth for special mention in his blog. Now let me begin.

Everything started with this small infection at my lower lip, which I must clarify once again that it is definitely not Herpes or STDs or watever. Its just an infected wound due to my itchy fingers. With that, my immune system starts to collapse ard the region. Lymph nodes starts to swells and suddenly I feel pain at the TMJ area on Monday. I foolishy thought that it will just go away after a while. I was wrong. It got worse at night and I think when the clock hit 12 midnight everything took a turn for the worse. The beginning of the worst day of my life. The pain kept me up the whole night. I might have dozed off for a few minutes before the pain woke me up again. I used ice and extra strong Panadol X2. Yet, nothing seems to help.

I am determined to go through my Occulsion lesson becoz there was a clinic session. I really dun want to miss it. Not only becoz I will lag behind the class, I will make my lab partner suffer with me also. Becoz we are supposed to practise our techniques on each other. Sorry Clement to have slowed u down. But the pain was really unbearable that I decided to skip the lesson. I spent the whole morning waiting and waiting which I can understand totally becoz I did not have an appointment. I even fell asleep while waiting in Clinic 1 after I was referred from the Dental Centre to the OMS department. Anyways, at the end of the day I was given painkiller and was told that I am probably suffering from inflamation of the muscles of mastication. And nothing can be done except to take pain killers.

I happily thought that this will mark the end of my ordeal. Took the painkillers right after lunch. Within an hour or so, the pain was NOT killed instead my right eye started to swell. I am once again disfigured. Given my vanity I might have died looking in the mirror. It was a sign of drug allergy reaction. That's it, I'm screwed once again. It swell so badly that I can't even open my eye. I thought that I might be blinded. Anyways, eventually I went back to the dentist who prescribed me the medicine. She explained what's happening and prescribed me another painkiller. They even decided to take a picture of me for teaching purposes. Well, I'm fine with it.

Actually, thoughout this whole thing I dun feel very upset or anything. In fact, I feel okay. Just think that I am indeed very unlucky for the day. Probably becoz I have a good frd with me. She accompanied me to get ice for my swollen eye (Which Kopi Tiam actually charged us for it!!) and back to the clinic and to the pharmacy. Although she also wanna skip the HRM lesson.

Sorry to Wanyi and Puiling that I keep falling asleep when I was supposed to do the presentation. I think I must be the medication that I took that cause drowiness.

Oh have I not mentioned that this is not the end to my unlucky day. I was drenched on my way home. I was like, oh thanks for making the already unlucky day worse. But a phone call came and I feel immediate relief.

But somehow, I still feel quite okay. Dun feel angish or sad at all. Thanks to all my frds who SMS or called me etc. Sorry for not able to go windsurfing with u guys. Hopefully this weekend I will feel better. So much for being unlucky. Thankfully today is a better day.

Tired Me? Tired Me Not?

Been feeling really tired these days. Perhaps its work, perhaps I'm old, perhaps I need a jog but probably I just need sleep.

Yet, I've been enjoying what I have been doing these days. Its just like wat ppl says if u enjoy wat u r doing, you won't mind even if its tiring. U may not even think that its tiring at all.

Still, physically and logically I do feel tired. So I slept since 7pm today. And yes I went for a jog just now at 12am. Quite nice to jog tonight coz its rather cool.

Tonight is rather a onlineless night. I figured that most of us must have been tired. I see lotsa tired faces in school these days. I kind of get used to the routine of special term already. And all the negative feelings that comes with it. Stress, frustrations, irritations, helplessness, giddiness, messiness, hunger and at times anger. I guess all these are self-imposed. Like wat Wei Song says he has more or less seen it through.

Was listening to Ai Qing Bu Neng Zuo Bi Jiao. Though its now exactly a new song. But I somehow kind of like it still. Maybe I am able to show empathy to whoever that been through that kind situation. Anyways I think I shd go sleep so there will be 1 less tired face tomolo.

Thank God I smell weekend.

Helen Keller

Weekend was over before I even realised it. Spent well with meeting old frds. Things seems pretty much the same. Usual talking, irritating each other and laughing at stupid jokes. We are still the same though we all know that we have moved on. In one way or another. But some things never change.

Yet the weekend ended in a far from ideal way. Perhaps, I chose to be so pissed. But I am indeed upset. Thanks to cute, small little gal for her Chunky Kit Kat. She is also known as Fantastic Gal. Decided to extend that for 1 more week since u bought me Kit Kat.

Anyways this blog is delicated to my e-pal. Really thank you for the e-card. Ur sms, emails and now e-cards. They always come at the right time when I was feeling really down. In the card it wrote:

"Keep Ur face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadow. Its what the Sunflowers do." Helen Keller

My favourite is actually from her too. It says: "Your Heart has its reasons that reasons do not understand."

Anyways I just wanna thanks those who I grumbled to and those who r there. Thanks

Good Weekday End

A good end to the weekdays perhaps. Finally, I managed to complete whatever lab work I have to do. Begining to enjoy doing them rather than to work fast simply for the fact of completing my schedule. Guess I was being rather impatient. Patience has to be cultivated I figured. Still have a lot to work on it.

Went to Bugis after discussing the "skit" which we took less than 1/2 hr. Perhaps we r quite bo chup, but somehow things will definitely work out somehow. I have faith in my grp that in one way or another, we definitely can create some form of entertainment. Make work fun, then its no longer work. Applies to labwork as well.

Very glad that we went out after school, though I have been out everyday of the week except Tuesday. Wanna get Wei Song's present on the spot but too bad that we did not find anything that suits him. Have to go present hunting another day. Was feeling rather bad that I did not know that its his bday on the coming Sunday until Wan Wah announced. Maybe I'm too preoccupied with myself. A personality test says I'm rather self-centred. Time for reflection again.

Something I realised for the past 2 days. Sometimes comfort dun come with words. Silence can bring lotsa comfort too. Though its resulted from us being too tired to think and talk. But I feel that if a person can be with another person and not talk at all and be at ease is rarer than to be able to talk and talk and talk none stop, coz talk is cheap. Treasure the comfort. Still striking a balance is still the best. A Good Weekday End.

Tired

I figured this will be another depressing entry. Rather upset over school and lab work. Perhaps I think too highly of myself. I am not that good afterall. I thought I will be able to handle my labwork pretty well. I thought wrongly I guess. I'm tired after only 1 week of this special term. So many more years to go. I hope I can get through.

Other stuffs bothered me today as well. I was feeling rather irritated. Maybe I should just go to sleep. And stop making this entry depressing.

A Week

1 week down, actually only almost down coz tomolo I still have school. I hate school, work or anything besides sleeping on Saturday morning. Anyway, this week has been a rather different experience from what we have been doing for the previous terms. We have a lot more lab sessions, and are learning a lot new stuffs within this week.

Thank God, I understand most of the things becoz I have quite a fair bit of background knowledge. Maybe that's why I have a rather high expectations for myself. I was rather upset with myself that I am moving off rather slowly. Getting stuck at finding teeth and mounting them. Blame it on my laziness I think. Supposed to have done it over the hols. Depression started to set in becoz of some other reasons as well. Thankfully I managed to catch up quite a bit today. Thats all about work I figured.

Perhaps all my stress are self inflicted. If I were to be less competitive, I will feel more relax I think. But I think its really hard to keep up with my coffee breaks when I am behind time and when the whole world is working like crazy. Still, I am partially in hols mood. I rarely come home straight after school. Out to do things I like. Trying to make the best out of my day, when around 1/3 is spent in school. But I must say that I do really enjoy my lab sessions alot, doing stuffs that I like. Perhaps I can do better if I relieve the stress factors.

I always wonder how would it be like being the operator when I was still an assistant. Now I getting to know why dentist deserved to be well-paid. I am getting a bit proud of my soon to be profession. I really hope I can be an outstanding clincian. For my patients in the near future, I will make sure I know my work.

Findings

Today is quite a bad day. Bad start for school I think. Teeth problems, Heart problems, Hearing Problems and Sleeping Disorder.

Though, things did not turn out the way I would have liked it to. I am still glad that I am so sure on my part, almost never have I felt it before. Finding Nemo seems so much easier compared to me trying to find a way out of this circle. I think that Wei Hon is most likely to be correct. Still, I choose to be a fool. I forsee how things will end, though I still have hope. Why make myself so cheap I asked? Its going to be painful I know. In fact, I have started feeling the pain.

Sorry ppl, I just wanna complain. I think I am really not cut up to accomplish anything. Only know how to whine and complain where in fact nothing can be resolved at the end of the day. Quite a loser I figured. Suddenly, I think very little of myself. Where is the pride I used to have? I am finding.

When U Grow Up.

Am I really undependable? I figured that I am. Irresponsible, I guess is part of my character. Eugene says there is something lacking in me now. I guess its the drive that I used to have. That focus that I used to have. The yearning of success. He says that I have to be more of a man. Not saying I have to act macho or whatever. Its more in the sense of a stronger character that I must become. Not about looking dependable, but I really must be. I must be sure that ppl can depend on me in times of needs. Emotional support, finacial support and morale support as well. Giving her the very basic sense of security. That explains her insecurity he said. Not just becoz I hit off better with gals.

It really makes a lot of sense. He really hit on the nail once again. Never fails to impress me with his clear thoughts. I really feel the pressure, not just for relationship, but also for my kinship. Very soon I will have to take over the responsibilities of my dad to take care of the family. Look upon it as a challenge I will. Though I still have no idea of what to do. We still believed in the statement that our parents used to tell us...

"U will understand when u grow up"

Maybe its this realisation. I suddenly feel old. Still I wish to stay young at heart. Many ppl mentioned that I dun seems as cheerful as b4. Perhaps, becoz of wat I know is waiting for me and I am still so not ready for it. But I am very happy to take on this incoming challenge. Maybe I indeed think too much. But I always prefer to be prepared than to be caught in a situation unprepared. That's why we have fire drills I figured. I will keep drilling myself for the sake of those that I love. I want them to feel safe to depend on me. I dun want to disappoint them. I know I wun. For my dearest mum. Happy Mothers' Day.

Final Days

Final week. Last bit of fun I guess. Mood has been swinging for the past week. Many factors affecting. Actually wrote some stuff on it. But decided not to have it published. Its exclusive only to some. Anyways, been busy with quite a bit of stuff over the weekend.

Yesterday was spending money day. I realised money can simply disappeared if u r not careful enough. But it was quite fun I guess. Had my Subway, played pool and finally went to KTV though not with those I planned to go with. Still it was fun. In the end becoz i was so broke, I had to stay overnight at Eugene's place, becoz I dun have $$ to take midnight cab home. But I had a great chat with him. Always therapeutic to pour my thoughts into him. Thanks for being always there.

Though today, I do not have much activities. I am very happy. Happier than a programme packed day. Happy with swinging. Happy with walking. Happy with talking. Happy with u. I am easily satisified I figured. The long awaited Windsurfing is finally coming tomolo. Thanks Mao Jie for the lobang, and Lulin for settling stuffs for us.

Untrue Beliefs

I need to grow up. I am forever repeating my mistakes, again and again. Use my head I hope I will. My heart shouts so loud that I am always overwhelmed. Though my heart has shattered itself over and over again. It doesn't seems to learn its lessons. I have no idea (actually I do) how many times I have been through this cycle. Yet, I remain so optimistic, though I have been hurt over and over again. Life is unfair I always know that. But why am I always getting the unfair treatment. Till now, I am kind of used to it liao. Maybe I am born this way. Rather me than any of them. I always decide to do wat they deems fit. I can't bear to see them hurt I guess. So much easier to hurt myself I realised. I really, really wanted to be selfish for once, and do things my way. But seeing her I can't bear to. Weak spot, I guess.

Many things I believed are true seems untrue. I believed in sincerity, I never lack that, just that I don't seems wat I am. I believed if feelings r true and mutual, things will work. I believed that I can give unselfish love and be loved in return. Tested and proven, Life dun work in accordance to my beliefs. Well at least, I still have hope. Some beliefs have not been proven otherwise. I believed if its meant to be its meant to be. I believed someone out there will treasure and be worthy of my heart. I believed in HOPE.

This time, I think will be no different. Though I still hold on to the little hope that I have in my heart. Like I said I am really born this way. I always think that I am smart. But when it comes to relationship, trust me I am almost an idiot. Maybe like Wei Hon said. I may not be ready yet though I may think that I am. God has his plans he said. Maybe I think too much for my own comfort. Maybe, I do too much for her comfort. Try to be frd I shall. Hold on to the glimpse of hope like candlelight I will. Give me encouragements if u feel for me. I really need.

"To let go is like setting a prisoner free,
Only to realised that the prisoner was ME."

Starry Starry Night

I was very happy yesterday. I loved my hobby though I might ended up missing the last bus home. I got to know so much more. I will give more time, more effort, more faith, more sincerity and more love. I see another like, more likes. I may seem helpless, but trust me I am so not. For I know there is always hope, there is always me, there is always u to make things work. Nothing more I can say. Besides thanks. Thanks for coming into my life, thanks for letting me enter urs.

Last Night I looked out of my windows,
And start to match each star with a reason for loving you...
It was going so well,
Until I ran out of stars.

Bad Reputation

My reputation preceeds me. Thats what Wei Hon said very long time ago. I never thought it is anything serious. But somehow now its coming back to haunt me. I have faith that we can work things out. I do not wish to convince with words. All I need is time. I will show. I will not rush. But please give me encouragements. I really need. Maybe I am too close to gals. Maybe I appear too Hua Xin. Time to reflect I think. Anyways, since things r already as such I shall let nature takes its course. I will try definitely.

Well, my mind is totally occupied by this matter I guess. No mood to think of work that has to be done. Canvassing, Presentation, Jam N Hop. Be responsible I tell myself, do wat I am supposed to do. But the truth is I am too lazy to. Thanks to my frds who r more responsible than me. Jing Rong for settling the Canvassing, PL and Wanyi for settling the Presentation. So I guess I have to do something about Jam N Hop.

3 Days, 2 Nights.

Long story, how to begin. We finally had our very 1st class chalet. Fun, definitely. Probably a bit far from ideal. Perhaps, my previous chalets have a lot more shouting, screaming pillow fighting, heart to heart conversations and stupid yet memorable activities. Maybe, its the age. The older u get the more difficult to execute irresponsible behaviour. Yet, I find the chance of bonding is lower.

Perhaps, I'm indeed a pessimist. The disappointing sight always hit me harder than anything that is positive. Many left after the 1st night. Reasons being, wanna sleep at home, wanna watch TV at home. But I know its becoz they felt it was rather boring and nothing better to do to hang around. I do not blame them for feeling that way. There is a certain air of sian-ness floating around. I must say that the 1st night sleep they had is definitely far from comfort.

Perhaps, I should stop being an idealist. Thinking that everyone shd be spontaneous, shd be doing everything together and not separated into groups. But I realised that it is completely normal that ppl would prefer to be with ppl they are closer to, prefer to do things they like better rather than to compromise in order to be able to stick together as a class. The simple fact that we all r different individuals coming from different walks of life explains everything i figured. The truth why my previous class chalets seems to be ideal to me is probably becoz my friends and I are more similar and we were so young and crazy. We all wanna do the same thing together that explains why we never feel sian i guess. There is rarely any moment of peace and silence.

Maybe chalet shd belong to a thing of the past. I'm too old for it. Still its always nice to have everyone ard and staying over together. Bonding may not have occured as a class but definitely have occured within individual friendship. For that I am glad that I had the chalet. Nice Jenga games. Nijam still unstripped though. Great to have soccer watching with the guys, Geng Feng with his funny comments. Playing games in a stuffy room with everyone seems less of a torture. Soccer was fun but will be better if Clement and I never fall down. But still nice to see Lin Lin and Diana play, trust me they r good. Frisbe made more fun with all the masters of disguise and craps we crapped.

I wanna thank those who stayed the 2nd night so I can have ghost stories to listen to. I thank those who stayed so I wun have to end up checking out alone today. Special thanks to Wei Song and Mao Jie, for the short conversation at the beach. It really helps. Everyone shd thanks Dennis Tiong for he did all the shitty jobs of cleaning up the place for all of us and settling the money part so that everyone need not pay a single cent YET for this chalet. I thank ppl who never sleep with me to make a chalet a good time to spoil ur biological clock and be unhealthy.

Well... thats it I guess. Been quite a lengthy piece. And hope that u all had fun, for I had mine.

Back To VJC

Back to VJC. I feel alienated. Probably, I feel old back to my old school. Still some things never change. The Western Food auntie is still as cute as ever, her Fish and Chip is still $2.30 and still taste nice to me. Maybe its the memory of the 99S12 having western food together makes me fond of going back and relieving the good old times. Sadly, none of them were back with me today. Only managed to see Mrs Chuah coz Mrs Teo is on course. She is still as motherly as ever. As always with out fails, she would rush me to find a gf quickly. Still its nice to be back.

Met Eugene later the day. We are such great frds, I always can't wait to tell him whatever gladness or sadness I have. Like I said to him, he is one of the few friends I treasured. Though I have many friends, or should I say accquaintances. There is none that I could share as much with. Perhaps to Wei Hon as well, though he is more of an elder brother to me. Good friends are hard to find. Friendships are hard to maintain. Treasure them I will. Close to my heart they will be placed.

Someday I should tape down my INTERESTING conversations with Eugene. We really know each other quite well. I'm quite interested to find out who ur future gf be like. U really have a simple yet difficult to find gal. Keep ur faith and hope, I'm sure someday ur princess will come. I was supposed to thank u for the treat. I buy u dinner when I am less broke okay.

Singlehood VS Attachment

"One cannot pick all the beautiful shells on a beach, only can pick a few. They are more beautiful because there is only a few of them"
Anne Morrow Lindbergh

This was the quote of the day I saw on NEL. Its quite interesting in a sense that I can make inferences to beautiful shells to beautiful gals. Except u can only pick one instead of a few.

Is Singlehood better than Attachment? That was the debate today between me, Yonghe, Anqi and Wei Song (the only one attached). Somehow this kind of conversation will never have any conclusion. Still, its always interesting to see each other views on such topic. Somehow, the grass is always greener on the other side. Yet, singlehood is indeed quite enjoyable and more troubleless. Let nature takes its course I guess is the best way to end such thoughts.

Today, I'm damn proud of myself. I managed to survive with only $2. In fact I did not spend a single cent when I went out. Thanks to frds whom willingly let me share their fries and drinks. I'm a parasite.

Worthy Holiday

Eugene commented once again that my blog is depressing. Well, maybe through pouring my pessimism here, I have became more optimistic. Today was my 1st attempt to stay at home to save money. I was bored by the time it is noon. So out I went to have lunch with the windsurfing people. Forced them to bum with me, esp my chio chio, blur blur, black black frd. We even went to see furnitures. I believed she saw some stuffs she liked as well. I found a nice chair finally, only $138. The only problem is its colour I guess. Still I shd not think of it now since I'm indeed quite broke.

I was disgusted today. Swearing and cursing is nothing new to me. But doing it to a gal in public definitely got me on my nerve. I believed they r a couple. As much as I would like to stop him, I did nothing. Perhaps, I am just another typical Singaporean. I can't give myself a reason good enough to go up to him and get him to shut his trap. Maybe some things you do not need any reason. Follow my heart I will next time.

I am labelled as a buaya by my chio, blur, black frd. Simply becoz I decided to offer a drink to the lady who allowed us to entertain ourselves with her toys for a really long time. I was just trying to show my appreciation to her with no ulterior motive. Yet that got me into that name. Well, doesn't pay to be kind these days.

Still, today is a good day. Coz I have made it worth calling a holiday rather than spending it bumming at home. Last of all to a frd I heard is sad. Cheer up please.

Tired, Weary, Fatigue

Today, I'm tired. Slept late last nite becoz a bunch of us went for movie and supper. After that Yonghe, Dennis, Lulin, Diana and Wanyi came to stay overnight at my place. Sorry that its so cramp, sorry that its so cold and sorry that its so far. I guess I'm a lousy host. My house don't have much entertainment I realised. All I can offered is PG (not porn) VCDs and my bed.

Cycling in Ubin today was quite fun, though itchy, hot, sticky and I was chased by a dog. Well, dunno why they never chase Yonghe although he was the one who irritated them. I just look more bulliable I guess. Still, the day was great with COCONUTS and SUBWAY. Still now I'm tired.

I guess, I'm more mentally drained than physically. I have a thousand and one thing that I wanna do plus a thousand and one thing I need to do. Yet all I have done is ever since hols began are things I like to do. I'm simply too lazy to be bothered with the matters at hand. Last minute worker I guess, I am. I'm so tired from having fun that I have no wish for school term. It will come very much sooner than I thought it will be, definitely. In the meantime, I'll enjoy all that I need to, all that I deserved. Before I head back to hell again.

Heart Problem

My heart beat. Faster and faster. I crapped, I laughed to hide my panic. I think I'm going to be dead again. Probably, I will be drowned coz I really can't tell how deep the water is. Testing, testing, I wish I could do a better job. I guess all I can do is to wait and see. Jumping in will kill me for sure. I'm wishing for hints and clues. Maybe I'm a fool. Coz wise men say only fools rush in.

So much for trying to write in riddles. Perhaps, all who read will know. A futile attempt I believed. Well, tomolo will be Good Friday. Thank U God for sending ur son to bear my sins. I so deserve it not. I hope I can be less ashame of myself.

I Cried. I've Sinned

Today was a hectic day. Rushed down for my friend's viva. Took a wrong shuttle bus and ended up in Kent Ridge Wing instead of the main building. In the end had to run all the way to the physio blk. Luckily I made it in time to give her whatever encouragement I could. Seems that everything when smooth. Still we'll be keeping our finger crossed until the results is out. After that we went to settle the chalet and bummed until its time for dinner and movie.

Although I knew the story but I can't help but to cry throughout the show. I rarely cry perhaps its a guy ego thing. But somehow I can't help but to cry. I dun understand why He is willing to suffer for Men. Men who have sinned. Men who deserve no forgiveness. I cursed those who inflicted pain on Him. Yet he is able to forgive them. Love ur enemies he said. Somehow I feel very emotional throughout the show. I cursed myself for not having faith in God. Though I may believe in him but still I have no faith.

I will slowly find it I guess. For many have told me that when u find it u will know it. If God u hear me. Forgive me that I can't have total faith yet. Lead me and I will follow what u have in placed for me. Thanks for ur patience with me. Meanwhile I hope u answer my pray for my frd. I hope u'll hear.

Un-Invited Viva I Went

Today, I confirmed about one character in me. I am indeed thick-skinned. Today, I went back to school to show support to those going for viva. Becoz besides praying, the next best thing I can do is to be there for them. Though i definitely can't be of much help. Anyways Prof Raj thought that I was in the Distinction Viva when he saw me outside the Anatomy Hall. Sorry that I have disappointed him. One of the worst feeling to have is to disappoint someone I truly have respect for.

But halfway through the progress of distinction viva. I asked Prof Raj if I can have a go at the viva. Just becoz I really wanna see how a anatomy viva was conducted. He promptly agreed to arranged for me to have a try after all those who were shortlisted for viva. I was simply in the mood for fun. Not realising that I was being rather thick-skin. Where the hell u find ppl who request to be on the list on the distinction viva. When they are not even invited in the 1st place. I believed I might have been one in a thousand years man.

Perhaps its the love for the subject that prompted me to do such ding dong thing. I was enjoying throughout the whole session. I do not regret going for it. At the end of the session, I was very flatter when Prof Gopal actually asked me if I'm interested to consider teaching anatomy as my future career option. Dunno if he meant it as a joke anot. But still I'm very flattered. I must really thank Prof Raj for giving me a chance to go through the viva. Definitely they will not altered the score. But, its never the results that concern me, its the process of going through the viva.

More flattering words came when I met the Lab Tech in NUH. He actually told me that the Panel of Professors are pretty impressed by me. Quite a pity that I did not make it into the Distinction Viva. But I guess I do not need a distinction for anatomy. For their comments for me are definitely more valuable, in fact its priceless to me.

But after some thoughts. I still find that I'm being rather thick-skin by doing that. But still no regrets. Back to more serious note. I really hope that all my frds can get thru this difficult time. Trust me that I pray. Sorry that I can't help. I will study with u if u want me to. I will study for u if u need me to. But I guess I'm still helpless.

Its Over. Is It?

Well.. today is a happy day. My very 1st B.D.S Professional Examination is finally over. Trust me I am no more pro than before. Anyways had lotsa fun and laughter peace and joy for the whole of the day. Although was rather drained, but I guess, I dun need sleep after exam. I need to play more I figured.

Some of them cannot totally relax becoz at the back of their mind they r thinking if they will be able to make it through. This issue will pop up once in a while, though I believed we all are enjoying our day. I guess we can only pray now. For all is fixed. For all who I have betted with. Trust me I dun mean the bets. Otherwise, I will be getting free meals for the whole month for I have absolute faith that I will win the bets. Seeing u all making it through definitely worth more that the meals to me.

Anyways, was talking to Jing Rong about family relationship on the way home. It all started with her guilt of spend so much money on dolling herself up. Well, I think its well-spent. Somehow we linked to relationship with our parents. Then I started to think of how my relationship is with my dad. We love and care for each other that's for sure. But we just dunno how to express it. I know that my dad has been trying very hard to get to know me better. Yet everytime when he try to chat with me, I'll get very impatient with him. Somehow I just dun feel like talking. Maybe, I just a lousy son. On the contary, I'm so close to my mum. Maybe relationship has to be build-up over the years. Yet, I think its not my fault that my dad was never around last time. Coz he was taking 2 jobs at the same time. Maybe, I should be putting in more effort to improve the relationship.

Birds always sing after a storm. Maybe that why I'm singing tomolo. KTV, here I come.

Train Rides

Well, before I begin my story. Let me complain. 3 papers down 1 to go. I guess I under performed this time round. I lost the drive that I used to have. Worse still I lost the better memory I used to have. Worst of all, I lost the composure I used to have. Last but not least, I lost the confidence I used to have in myself. I rarely feel like shit after tests, exam or whatever. Maybe expectation is a bad thing. Or should I say overly high expectation is bad. I guess I take too much pride in anatomy so I feel really sucky after not doing up to my expectation for the paper. However for biochem I took the paper with the attitude of getting over and done with it, somehow I only feel relieved after the paper. I'm not even bothered if I'm going to do well at all. Just more than glad that it is over. Maybe that is the right way to be. Anyways end of exam update.

Well, my intention of blogging today instead of going straight for my afternoon nap today is because of what I saw on the train today. They entered, holding hands. I noticed them immediately. They looked so loving and happy together. Smiling all the way, perhaps because they have each other company. They are an elderly couple, definitely above 60s. Seeing them, I somehow was a bit affected by them. I felt joy immediately. There is really love in the air. I am also very impressed with how they are able to be so loving. Can love really last all the way to death? That was the question that pop up in my mind. Was just wondering if I'll be able to end up with someone who I will love and will love me all the way. I dun see it yet. Hopefully yes, but still not yet. Whatever the case, I just wanna thank the old couple for they have made my day.

Although life is tough, life is cruel, life sux. Life is still beautiful, simply because there is LOVE. For now, my family and friends have my love, and I'm sure I have theirs. For those who are worried about sub-papers, I'll pray for u, I'll be there for u because I LOVE U ALL.

A Better 25th of March

Trying as hard as I can not to be affected by 25th of Mar. I still remember the day. The day I asked her to be my gal. Well it has would have been our 4th Anniversary if we were still together. Well, at least this year its not as painful anymore. Somehow, besides remembering the date itself, I did nothing else. Usually, I will take out the box and go thru the stuffs. Maybe I'm too busy with anatomy, biochemistry, physiology and dental anatomy, i.e. the comimg exam. But I think that its rather impossible to forget everything about a relationship if u have put ur heart into it. But time heals all wounds, maybe all that I can't forget is the scar. Still I'm glad I've been thru it.

Back to now. Let me think of wat to do after my exam. I have so many things in mind that I guess I need to note them down on a To-Do-List. So that I will really make full use of this coming break that I swear that I deserve. Buy digicam, watch a thousand films, play a thousand hours of LAN, Pool. Sleep a thousand hours. HOLIDAY somewhere that I need to chop my passport. Eat Jap food, nice buffet, jap food, nice steak, jap food, nice dim sum, and more jap food. (Realised all jap food is nice!!). Meet up with all the friends I promised to meet. Get my CD back from Wendy. CLUBBING! on 2nd thought, maybe I'll just go chill. Learn waltz! Go swim and get tan. Go gym and get fit. Go KTV and sing and scream. Shopping if i still have $$. Eat chocolates.. lotsa of chocolates. ARTS FEST!!!

In the meanwhile, I eat maggie mee for lunch, dinner and supper. Sit at my table read thick, thick books and files. Sleep for 5 hours. Watch TV while on my way to toilet. Try not to fall asleep at table and not waste time online like now. Back to BOOKS.

The Final Week

The final week has finally arrived. Still unsettled. Confidence level dropped even lower as each day passed. Simply becoz I feel that I have not studied. I read and read and read like mad. To the extent that I believed my myopia has gotten worse. But I simply forget what I read. I believed many are worried and afraid esp for the guys I guess. Maybe becoz I have not taken any exam for the past 3 years. From wat I remembered, I was more confident during A levels. Some how is more of a matter of A or B rather than a situation of C or D maybe except for GP.

My sister said I should be doing very well in school now becoz I'm studying what I like best. No more Maths, no more Humanities and most of all no more Languages Exams. How come I have no confidence in this exam that I'm supposed to like? We shall see how things goes. The final week. I HATE BIOCHEM!

I'm A SINNER!!!!

I guess I'm totally screwed. I bet I have no life. Today is the only day I did not force myself to go to school to study. Decided to meet up with friend for lunch and TRY to study at home. Well, it did not work out I guess. I slept after lunch and bum at home until now. All I did was take out my Silverthorn from my shelf and left it on my table.

For one day I bum. I feel like a sinner. I keep saying to myself that I'm wasting my time by not studying. Seems like the time spent on anything else but studying is a waste. I'm losing motivation. Studying never seems so difficult. Although I always feel pressured. I must run, this is not the time to say I give up. Not my style. Never my style. I will get there I know, I must.

Thanks to mum and frds who care, support, listen and understand. Its difficult time. At least I know that I'm not facing this alone. Thanks for those who study with me and motivating each others. Kenneth, Bran and Taby and many more. We will get through this together. Thanks to those I complain to. Through sms, phone or msn... Thanks for bearing with me. I'll be back to normal after 1st Apr'04. And that's not an April's Fool Joke.

I'm Back In SCHOOL!!!!

Yup yup.. even I surprised myself. I'm now in the student lounge of the Faculty for Dentistry. And if I'm not mistaken. Today is Sunday!!! Well, its supposed to be a rest day. That's what the Bible told me. I guess its not going to be a rest day for today and probably the next 3 Sundays to come. Perhaps only my fellow dental classmates will be able to understand the plight that we are in.

Yesterday, I wished I could have resisted the temptation of sushi. I met someone I never wanna see under such a situation. She was there celebrating her bf birthday. I was just 2 tables away. Still I decided to be gracious to just say hi. Perhaps they would much preferred that we acted as if we were strangers. Coz conversation wasn't exactly comfortable. Besides acting surprised and saying hi-bye there is nothing much I could say. Just another event to make my already lousy life worse.

But still I believe the right gal will appear at the right time. I'm sure she is worth all the waiting. Perhaps all my so-called love encounters now is simply for me to learn to love her better. Back to biochem.

My Cycles

I guess, my life have been revolving around a cycle. LONG mugging phase (uncountable no. of hours) SHORT testing phase (probably an hour or 2) and relaxing phase (the rest of the day after the test).

Well.. although studying isn't really what I will call enjoyable. But I must admit that I do like to find out how well I will fare thru a test. Maybe it comes down to my competitive nature. Compete not against anyone but myself. I always wanna know how far can I push myself, how far can I excel. Getting back results seems to be the most rewarding part of the whole cycle. Although I do get disappointed at times. I just hope that I wun disappoint myself in this coming exam. Its is one of my most hated feeling besides regrets and heartaches.

Talking about pain. I have a weird encounter while walking along Orchard with YH just now. Out of nowhere, I feel ant biting pain spreading from the skin from my toes to my head. It lasted less than a min. Its really damn weird. I can't help but to think that I have some hidden problem. Yet maybe I'm just too tired. Getting old i guess, I've lost the ability to go sleepless for 3 consec nites and yet be normal after a short nap. Maybe I ruined my health by doing that quite often.

Talking about sleep. I realised that I have been sleeping really little. Not just recently but throughout my whole life. For now, my usual bedtime is always ard 1-2am and I'll be up by latest 6am to be ready for school. So at most I have only 5 hr of sleep which is so not enough I guess. Maybe I make it up by sleeping like a log over the weekends. But still its unhealthy.

I kind of drifted from what I have intended to write.. Maybe natural is best. Just write, dun think, rethink and retype. Damn I'm sprouting nonsense. I'm sleepy I guess, I know. Another Crap Entry. Need Inspirations

Thanks For Saying YES

Thanks for walking me out. Thanks for putting up with my irritations. Thanks for saying YES. Thanks for being my frd. I declare u as the nicest person I have met. (Besides myself and my folks)

Sometimes I think my requests r a bit overboard. But never take my requests too seriously, simply becoz I maybe kidding more than 90% of the time. In fact most of the time, I am expecting a NO for an answer. Still its nice to have u to say YES. So lets keep it this way I hope.

I always asked how nice can a person be? Honestly, I must admit that I'm not that nice a person. So I'm rather impressed with ppl who can be really nice without hidden agenda. But still u crossed the limit I set for how nice a person can be. To the extent that I feel bad for even coming out with that request. I owe u a drink. Accept it so I can make myself feel better.

To further redeem my sins: Frd u r indeed mesmerizing in more ways than one.

Mugging Machine Breaking Down

I feel the pressure. I'm simply less than a month away from my very 1st professional exam. Yet, at this critical moment I cannot get myself down to study. I'm distracted I guess. I have actually decided to procrastinate all issues at hand until after exam. But it seems to me that I'm unable to do that now. My impulsive nature got the better of me. Without thinking twice, I bought it. Eugene said its just me to do such things. He supported my actions though. But I know whatever is my decision, he will always backed me up. The question is probably how am I going to give it away. I may end up keeping it for myself I guess.

I always thought that I'm a workaholic, nothing can distract me from work not even my ex-gf during the time we were together. Somehow this time things r slightly different. My mood swings like hell. Maybe becoz she seems so close yet the truth is that she is so distant.

Dinah called yesterday, that just have to make things worse. She feels that I've stopped caring for her although she did not say it. But I sense it in the way she speaks. I am sad that things have to turn out this way too.

My Life Story

Just read a book. One of those these that can set me thinking mode. Its about Dreams. Believing that u can achieve. I vaguely remembered that I have lotsa dreams when I was younger. But as I grew older, I feel its so much easier to give up dreams. Probably, becoz I'm able to survive quite well without trying make my dreams happen. Sometimes in order to fulfil a dream, one must have the courage to make sacrifices. Perhaps, I'm too weak for that. At least I realised that I had a choice. Since I'm the one who decided to give up my dreams. I shall not regret. Probably becoz I believed that there's always a possiblilty that I may end up with something better.

The best twist to my life is probably how I ended up in Dentistry. Becoz almost ever since, Sec 2 I've decided that I wanna be a medical doctor. I studied to get into the only biology class in my school. Many could not believed it, for I'm on the verge to be demoted to a normal stream. O levels is yet another hurdle. I know that in order to get into the local med school I have to get into one of the top local 5 JC. Yet, I screwed up. It must be by God's grace that I managed to stay on in VJC. Maybe I have my tutors to thank for. They must have spoken up for me. Trust me the few days while waiting for the result of my appeal is one of the worse days in my life.

A levels. Maybe, I'm indeed academically-inclined, ie muggish. All misfortunes hit me whenever I'm having my major exams. I got a C6 for my GP, which some bitch actually thought that I'm gonna fail. This bitch said one of the worse things I could ever bear to hear on the day I received my results.

"I heard u actually passed ur GP"
"Yah I did. I got a C6"
"Too bad, u still cannot get into medicine."
I simply walked away. I do not feel anger or humilated. Only have myself to blame I guess for she indeed have spoken the hurtful truth. Eventually I applied and got into Science.

National Service changed my whole life. I believed it has changed many others. For I served my time as a dental assistant. Only then I realised, God has shown me the path to take. I re-applied for Dentistry the next year. And right b4 i went for my interview and dexterity test. I met the man who guided and is still guiding me. He gave me confidence I've lost.

Here I am now. In Dentistry. I'm glad that I made it this far. Though I know its going to be tough, I'm still glad that I'm able to take this path that has been planned for me. Still, I do not speak of the future. Whatever the case, I'm sure this is definitely better and I wont regret I have chosen this path.

Anyways this entry sounds like my life story. Just wanna tell all that I'm with now, dun be daunted by all the hurdles we r facing now. Just know that we will get there. Have faith.

Good Day To Blog

Probably, I'm bored. Just like how Kenneth put it. I'm also supposed to be rushing through the proposal for Dr Richard Snell which is going to be due on Tuesday. Anyways I decided to give myself a break, though I've been breaking on/off since morning after my weekly dose of Justice League. A better excuse would be its a rare opportunity to blog on 29th Of Feb, once every 4 years. Like I said, I'm bored. Bullshit is all I've written.

I miss the days that I can enjoy my Lazy Sunday.. Watching cartoons, reading Calvin And Hobbes, playing stupid games and most important of all bumming ard doing nothing. Maybe its still a matter of choice. Of course I can still do all these things. But perhaps with guilt. Guilty for not spending the time doing something more useful(=mugging). I've no idea when I started having this kind of mentality. Maybe, I've grown to be more responsible, knowing my priorities. Still I think I need to strike a balance. I believe that an overdosage of anything is bad for health, even things like sleep and water.

Anyways, I've planned out all the fun that I will have after my very 1st Professional Exam. I wonder how I will be more professional after that. Maybe not I guess. Anyways it feel good to just write bullshit at times. At least, I wun have too many thoughts running through my head. My only thought now is whether to watch WaterBoy anot.

DA Test Crisis

Many things running thru my head. I realised I always have a lot of stuffs to write. Yet without fail, only the depressed or shd I just say more solemn stuffs will be blogged. A very interesting frd of mine mentioned that my blog is rather dark. Funnily he actually commented that I might have sucidal tendency. I'm a rather complicated person, I'm not surprised that I may appeared sucidal to him. He just dunno the why I guess. Let me just write for once.

DA test. The questions and answers I possessed. Perhaps the whole world have it too. One frd questioned the system. I agreed its screwed coz we are orientated to score for the test simply by mugging the questions that we already know the answers rather than to truly understand the subject itself. Yet I see another light. Its still a matter of choice. I have not gave up honest mugging though I have too cheated.

Some that I know of does not give a damn about knowing the questions anot. One claimed its more rewarding to actually answer the questions correctly base on his knowledge. Honest or stupid, not for me to judge. On my part, I dun give a damn if u have the paper anot, u r smart or stupid. Just dun preach to me not to cheat. By the way, no lolipop next time round, coz I'm damn irritated in case u still have no idea. Anyways, I prefer my interesting frd who also dun have the paper, yet dun go ard boasting he dun need them. U the man.

Still, DA test tested us. Just like any crisis, it bring out the best and the worse of me and perhaps many others. All I can say is its a matter of choice. Stick to it and dun regret it. Some worry over it, some got angry over it, some got depressed over it and one teared over it. My heart sank. I wish I could help, I sweared I tried. Yet I'm not GOD i know. I'm helpless myself to very large extend. So probably I can only pray.

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Disappointing Myself

Once again, I disappointed myself. Self-awareness exercise failed.

"Hey Stanley so ur gf is from TH izzit?"
"Huh gf?" I was still pondering what gf is.
"Ur girl friend"
"I dun have girl friend" I promptly replied.

The very 1st thought of that was rather amusing. Yet after a while I realised the seriousness. How on earth did he get the idea? Maybe I'm at fault again. Can't help but to blush throughout lunch until ppl around me noticed. I blamed it on the hot weather. At least once again it proved that I'm a good liar.

Love U 8 Hr Everyday

Just watched a Chinese Film on Ch 8. Its simply about love and sex in the city. I realised how similar am I to Tony Leung. Not looks definitely, just personality in the show. I am too willing to visualise myself being attached to the gals that I meet. And probably I dun even know why do I do that all the time. Maybe I shd learn to be more selective. Yet, emotions is definitely not something I can control the most. Let nature take its course that's what I'll say when I choose denial and try to convince myself to believe in fate. Probably after a while I stop believing as usual.

Anyways, day was boring with Avery. Thankfully I have done stuff beside mugging, otherwise I really would have wasted my weekend. Received a timely sms from an e-pal. Its those kind of good afternoon sms. Somehow there is something special about this frd of mine that I have never met though we have known each other for 1yr 7mths. On my part, I think I have not really been keeping in touch with her. Yet, her messages to me always arrive right on time whenever I need some encouragement. I dunno if I'll ever get to meet her, will try not to though. So that I can really have a pure platonic frdship with someone for once. For once I will prove myself wrong and start believing in its existence.

Weary Walk

I am weary. Thank God I still can see myself walking to the end. One almost down, three more to go. Many started losing faith, confidence and focus. I have always understand that it is more of a want than a need to work so hard. I am too proud to say i give up. Maybe I'm just not willing to be average. Probably, a break is all I needed to bring me back on track. Resting I am now.

My mesmerising frd tell me thinking too much is bad. Think I thought of that some time ago. For she is not the 1st, neither will she be the last. There is something about this friend of mine. She is always so comforting, so kind. For she is so real, and all she said I know came from her heart not her mind. Nice to have u around.

I Think Too Much

For the 1st time I have a conclusion after thinking. I think too much. Wasn't in a glad mood for the past 2 days. Depression was setting in I feel, I know. Talking is therapeutic, though at the end of the day nothing is resolved. Dodo Bird said we just wanna find support and recognisation from ppl that's why we need to talk. Dodo Bird impressed me today with her thoughts rather than her words. She rarely speaks, yet pin-point truth she spoke. Listen more I should, talk less I will. Talked to many others also, but what was said shd belong only to us. Our business are our own. Just wanna say that I feel my time is more well spent than any other mugging days, thanks to u know who u r.

Maybe its the coming Bowling Good Times untimely placed so close to the test. Yet the truth is that we always have tests. Was not willing to go begging, I'm proud I guess. Yet by knowing that many who r willing to give up their precious Sunday morning r going to be there simply becoz of my sake makes me glad. Just read Kenneth's Blog and was quite touched. Maybe this is a test better than any other that I have to take with these 2 mths.

Nothing But The Tooth

I read through my past entries and realised I dun really write about light-hearted stuffs. Maybe becoz whenever I am alone. I tend to be more pensive. That's what ppl tell me. Some even says the way I write is so not me. Anyways, I always believe that everyone has different faces. I'm me when I am alone I guess.

Tooth Hunting! That was the highlight for the day where everyone tried their very best to find a decent looking tooth to be mounted. Yet most hunting end up in vain. For the simple fact that only grossly caries tooth will have to be extracted unless its becoz of perio problems. Many have flustered looks on their faces. Only then I realised that Optec is indeed stressful.

Yet what affect me more today is not stress. I was simply on the phone with Wei Hon and mentioned that the teeth he got me the other time cannot be use for mounting. 5 min later he called back and simply tell me that he will be dropping by NUH to pass me some teeth. Maybe, I am really a pampered kid. He always treat me like his younger brother, I looked up to him as an elder brother too. Still I'm very grateful. I think he must have went through some effort to get those extracted teeth. Come to think of it. He has no use for those extracted teeth, yet he made the effort to keep them. Well what can I say. Dude the 2nd paycheck is yours. Though I know u always say that for fun only. The next best thing is perhaps to just say thank you.

Decided to add in a light hearted incident of the day. I was standing on the train leaning against the side of the door on my way back tonight. I guess I must be very tired that I fell asleep while standing. The comical part come in when I actually fell down onto the floor when as i slept. It was kind of embarassing coz it created a fair bit of attention. Some ppl actually thought I fainted and promptly offered me their seats. Well.. I was so embarassed that I act like I never hear them and close my eyes and pretended to sleep. Thought its quite funny. Hope my blunder can bring smiles.

Game Start

And so it all begun. I do not see the end. Just becoz I choose not to speak of the future. All I felt was rage, disgust, irritation and pissed. Hide it I tried, suppress it I failed. Fear. I have not for myself but friends. I am indeed helpless. I wanna get out, I know I can't. Be true to myself I wish I could. Perhaps Ignorance is Bliss. Too bad too late, I have taken the Red Pill. No more shall I speak for today. Emotions has ruled over my mind, I have lost my cool. My mistakes I have revealed, I have learnt. Learn the smart way never the hard way. Yet fools we are. For I know I am.

Love Is In The Air

Still I have decided to write. Though I was once again questioned. That must have really put me off. Once again, I tried to fight off my insecurities on how others are going to judge me for what I think. Accept me for who I am, accept whatever I've said as truth. Why ask if u r going to doubt?

Love is indeed in the air. I am also in the mood for love, though some funny dude reminded me that I should be in the mood for physio. Many ard me r troubled by LOVE. I've have come to understand that love is never so simple. Does declaring ur affection for someone to the world means love? Isn't love something intangible, shd it ever be considered as investment? Someone impressed me by writing he was not impressed with the moves some has made for their "love". He inspired me to come out with this entry. Perhaps, I will be judged again. But why shd I even care?

Pressurized I feel more than love for someone who received flowers in the eyes of the whole world. Maybe its just different practice. It may well just an act of expressing one's love. Yet, trying to impress is what I feel not love. Is there a need to do that? If U truly like someone shouldn't u think more of her feelings than ur own. I can't help but to feel sorry for both. Can love ever be invested? Many must have told her how much was spent on that bouquet. But shd money even matters? I think not. Yet again, I'm in no position to judge. Remained an onlooker I shall. Though a cynical one.

Anyways I am also playing this game of love and perhaps I myself have no idea what love is. Eugene said love is a state of mind. I said its sweet poison. Intoxication of our mind and fools we have all become. We laughed.

Truth Bites Reality Hurts. Just wanna tell a frd to face them. Though it may hurt. Be glad u feel hurt coz it only means u indeed have put in ur heart. Know when it is time to let go and be gracious. Love dun need declaration, dun need reciprocation. The only one that need to know that u have loved is urself. Thank God for showing u someone u love.

My Conversation With Snow White

I remembered the Snow White I saw on cartoon when I was very young. She is so beautiful but so frail. Her love story is so beautiful and so simple. So different is she from the Snow White I have come to know. Yes she is beautiful but definitely not frail. She thinks a lot probably more than me. We talked abt love. So simple we asked for, so difficult to find so long we've seeked. I cannot remember the whole conversation. Just feel so comfortable to be honest with someone who will not judge me for the truth I have spoken. Thanks.

With many ways I have tried. I can't write the contents of today's wonderful conversation without revealing what i shd not. So all I can say is I've enjoyed that conversation.

Today is indeed a happening day. Perhaps becoz of all the gifts that everyone is giving everyone. Every gal deserves a flower on Valentine, perhaps some more than others. Just a side thought. I'm in the mood for love too. Maybe flowers I shd give to make someone special too.

This entry is delicated for the Snow White I've come to known.

Nice To See U

I thought I saw her. Without my glasses I strained my eyes.
"Yuwen!" I shouted. She turned and yes it is her.

Just bumped into my ex on my way back. We spoke as if we are only accquaintance. Maybe we are. Throughout our short conversation I was asking her about her life. Though she try not to show, I could tell she was more than willing to take her leave. Not a single word of comfort from her. She did not even ask how am I doing. Maybe we are if not perhaps we should be out of each other life for good. Still I will try to remember only the good.

Anyways seeing her is a good thing. I know that I've truly let go already. I dun feel a thing when i saw her. No love nor hate, No comfort nor discomfort. Just like an accquaintance. Perhaps its best that things turned out this way.

V day is again around the corner. Really feel like going out on a date with someone. Even if its just a frd. It definitely beats spending it alone with my books. But once again it seems to be the case that I am indeed unwanted.

Addicted To Love

Chatting with Eugene is always good. He tell me the obvious which i have always refused to anknowledge. He forced me to face myself and my rubbishs. He just simply know me too well. I'm glad he's there to knock some sense into me.

Know my priorities. Studies without a doubt.

Why I want be in a relationship? I dunno.
What kind of relationship i want? I dunno
Who is the gal I like? I dunno
Is there anyone that I like in the 1st place? I also dunno.

There is a thousand and one questions that I dunno how to answer. Maybe becoz its unpredictable that's why its fun, interesting, luring and addictive. Must know how to play the game a tall pretty frd said. I'm still learning gaining experience and trying to level up. I guess just like any other games. The game of love.

Maybe being natural is the easiest way. Just be yourself. So naturally, I will be nice to gals that I'm interested in. Probably through my actions I will be able to tell subconcisiously that who i like exactly. Who knows I may start doing crazy things for a gal just like before. Then I will tell the whole world I'm in love again. But like Eugene have said. Its always the gals that decide.

Reverse The Irreversible

Irreversible.. all things r just irreversible I guess. I'm no film critics. All I can say is I'm in love with films. Not Hollywood movies anymore. For I love only fillms that make me think, perhaps I love to think. "Time is a destroyer of all things" a quote from the film I just watched. To me time do not destroy. It just cause all things to go unidirectional.. All things changes as time move everything forward. Only change remain constant.

I know I have changed. So sure that i know even my favourite colour has changed. The question is if my change is superficial or is it deep? i am aware of the changes. From introvert to extrovert, from shy to shyless, from quiet to loud. Yet, I know that I am still me. Just that I hide in my new face. None except a few see the one behind the mask. One that have so much fear, that feel so insecure. Fears of unacceptances, dislikes and discriminations by everyone in fact anyone. But at least I still have me.

"Conformity is a social disease" said my elder brother that i never had.
I am infected. I know. I said.

Happy Day

Today is a Happy Day.
I only realised how I've made my parents proud today. The glow in their face when they introduced the ding dong to their old friends. They r impressed with ding dong composure, which makes me wonder why. Probably they are more impressed with the fact that ding dong is a Dental Surgeon to be. I'm proud of my future profession. But what I'm glad of is that I've made my parents proud. I will do better.

I strangled her from behind. A reflex when she said something to irritate me today. Suddenly, I felt things r back to normal. I feel happy. So all is not lost yet. She's still my brudder if I can simply continue to treat her as one. I tried and is still trying. Guess time is the best medicine for all heartaches. I hope time can heal my frd. He is still hurting.

More self-awareness I tell myself again. Ding dong seems to take over me whenever there is a big crowd. Its true that he can handles or perhaps even entertains big crowd better than I do. But many have seems too start taking me for granted becoz of all the foolish acts committed by ding dong. I have to stand out. But the crowd always seems to prefer ding dong. I dun entertain becoz I'm not a clown. But I'm more me. Try knowing me better than ding dong, My frds. Try showing more of myself, Stanley.

I hide becoz I have fears.

Compromised Friendship

Just read a frd blog. She is very angry i could tell. She was saying that someone was spreading bias one-sided stories abt her. I can't help but to think that could it be me that she have been referring to although I think I've not been spreading any stories. Becoz I know how things can really get twisted. And many have probed me on wat's happening between us. Probably, I spoke without thinking and might have said the wrong thing as usual. Or maybe I'm just paranoid or maybe its just becoz I still care. Though I always say I dun.

She is the one who showed me her cards on Christmas Eve. And we decided to be frds. But things r never the same again. Discomfort always set in when we try to converse. Slowly we stopped talking. Only yesternight when someone told me, then I realised that I did not even have lunch with her ever since school started. My EXCUSE was we r hanging ard different grp. But I know the truth is that I sub-concisiously have avoided sitting with her during class and lunch so that I will not experience the discomfort. Maybe I'm guilty for compromising the frdship. Sorry brudder.

I Pray....

On Wednesday morning I was told by a nice, sweet and fortunately, happily, blissfully (u get the idea) attached to this wonderful dude that she likes my blog. That really made my day. She asked me to leave my contacts on the blog so that ppl can contact me. Ppl as in gals. Then I realised that all I write about is about my emotions on issues of the hearts.

Maybe, I'm dying for a relationship or am I dying without one. I do not deny the fact that I'm craving for the forbidden fruit. Yet I still survived without it.. I see the sadness in my frd.. I am glad for him and the gal he declare his undying love to. For him, at least he truly feel for someone. For the gal, at least she truly had and perhaps still have his love for her. Such simple love is so true but maybe not wonderful. Though things may not work out. But at least they've tried. I wish someone can unlock my heart and make me do crazy things for her.

In 7 hrs time a frd mum and sister r going into an operating theater. The sister is going to donate 2/3 of her liver to the mum. I will pray for both of them. I'm very touched by this whole incident. Crises bring out the best and worst of ppl. I'm glad that I've seen the best. My frd who is all packed to fly to the States stayed for her mum. Her sister willingness to risk her life for their mum. And my all my classmates who contributed in one way or another to help. She may be no more than an accquaintance to many of them. My mesmerising frd once again mesmerised me. This time with her dad. He impressed me by his kindness for someone whom he has never met before. I've seen many pretty gals b4 but one that is so beautiful, so kind is so rare.

I kind of drifted i guessed. Anyways...

To all who r reading this.. Please pray for my frd, her mum and her sister.
God if u read this... Answer my pray.. for once its not about getting a gf.

I Live To LOVE!

Today is a perfect day. I skipped school to go back to my old school. Some things never change. Its still the same mass dances the same loud cheers and the same laughters. Just the those playing the roles have changed. Teachers are glad to see us (just me and the Eugene).

Had a fantastic chat with Eugene. All started with him saying he has no time for his task. We pondered what do we live for. If there isn't task to live for we might as well be dead. I think of what am I living for and come to realise something so simple yet so wonderful. For many ppl, when they think of what they wanna achieve in the future.. or so-called their dreams. Its always something impressive. Be someone impt, rich or famous. For me, I suddenly realised that I always think of how to be a filial son, good father and a loving husband. How to have a happy family life? I thought of how to show my kids I love them, and their mother. Giving them a hug every morning and a kiss every night. Never be afraid to show them how much they meant to me.

Eugene knows I'm a simple man.. Yet he said he is impressed with my dream and said my future wife and kids are very lucky. I'm flattered. So, I figured I'm a simple family orientated man. Some may find that ambitionless. Yet its the greatest ambition I have to live for. My task in this world is perhaps to love and be loved. I guess most who read this will not truly understand the beauty of my conversation with Eugene. Been a long time since we talk about something serious usually we talk cock. How I wished I could have recorded down this conversation. We always say the same thing at the same time and laugh loud together. We could almost read each other mind. Guess we are indeed great friends. Glad to have u man.

I Dare To Love

Just watch "Love Me If U Dare" this is what I call a good film. I can't resist my thoughts from running wild after watching it. Realised a lot more of the underlying statement of the film.

Story is simple.. Actions r drastics.. Throughout the whole film they did all sorts of dares. To the extent that many will find that they r sick. Yet they never dared to say a single "I LOVE U" to each other. Things would have ended up very different if they actually have dared to love. Perhaps the film is urging ppl to overcome their fear and dare to love. There are many other subtle issues such as the existence of platonic friendship, vengeful love, sad marriages where ur life partner is not even ur most loved one and how a love can intoxicates ur mind and makes u lose ur grip. Most impt of all I love the music.. In mood for love.

Well, perhaps the part on daring to love strikes me deeply. I feel that I've never feared to pursuit what I see as love. Yet the truth is I never know what is love. I have never experience intoxication. I craved for love like drugs that can drive me nuts. Who shd I dare? I dare not ask.

Question Me Not

A frd asked me if I like another frd. I was surprised. Details dun matter.. The key is she said she will support another frd if that day ever happened. I felt hurt and disappointed. Friendship is never equal. Same goes for life. Do I deserve not?

So is it another judgement day? My actions once again are being scruntizied and criticised.. Faith in simple frdship once again failed. Can I ever have a chance to be myself? Be who I wanna be? Like whoever I like? Without anyone telling me wat's right and wats wrong. Never perhaps. Long I have realised that I dun live in a world of my own. The least I asked for is those I call friends to accept me for whoever I am. Perhaps, I dun deserve..

Judging ain't all bad. I realised what i have done. Self awareness i need.. I meant no harm or evil. I'm just being me. Honesty I need to hide. Coz reality is bites and truth hurts. Truthful I shall for the last time, just to the question. I do not have the answer. But I guess it dun matter honestly.