Train Rides

Well, before I begin my story. Let me complain. 3 papers down 1 to go. I guess I under performed this time round. I lost the drive that I used to have. Worse still I lost the better memory I used to have. Worst of all, I lost the composure I used to have. Last but not least, I lost the confidence I used to have in myself. I rarely feel like shit after tests, exam or whatever. Maybe expectation is a bad thing. Or should I say overly high expectation is bad. I guess I take too much pride in anatomy so I feel really sucky after not doing up to my expectation for the paper. However for biochem I took the paper with the attitude of getting over and done with it, somehow I only feel relieved after the paper. I'm not even bothered if I'm going to do well at all. Just more than glad that it is over. Maybe that is the right way to be. Anyways end of exam update.

Well, my intention of blogging today instead of going straight for my afternoon nap today is because of what I saw on the train today. They entered, holding hands. I noticed them immediately. They looked so loving and happy together. Smiling all the way, perhaps because they have each other company. They are an elderly couple, definitely above 60s. Seeing them, I somehow was a bit affected by them. I felt joy immediately. There is really love in the air. I am also very impressed with how they are able to be so loving. Can love really last all the way to death? That was the question that pop up in my mind. Was just wondering if I'll be able to end up with someone who I will love and will love me all the way. I dun see it yet. Hopefully yes, but still not yet. Whatever the case, I just wanna thank the old couple for they have made my day.

Although life is tough, life is cruel, life sux. Life is still beautiful, simply because there is LOVE. For now, my family and friends have my love, and I'm sure I have theirs. For those who are worried about sub-papers, I'll pray for u, I'll be there for u because I LOVE U ALL.

A Better 25th of March

Trying as hard as I can not to be affected by 25th of Mar. I still remember the day. The day I asked her to be my gal. Well it has would have been our 4th Anniversary if we were still together. Well, at least this year its not as painful anymore. Somehow, besides remembering the date itself, I did nothing else. Usually, I will take out the box and go thru the stuffs. Maybe I'm too busy with anatomy, biochemistry, physiology and dental anatomy, i.e. the comimg exam. But I think that its rather impossible to forget everything about a relationship if u have put ur heart into it. But time heals all wounds, maybe all that I can't forget is the scar. Still I'm glad I've been thru it.

Back to now. Let me think of wat to do after my exam. I have so many things in mind that I guess I need to note them down on a To-Do-List. So that I will really make full use of this coming break that I swear that I deserve. Buy digicam, watch a thousand films, play a thousand hours of LAN, Pool. Sleep a thousand hours. HOLIDAY somewhere that I need to chop my passport. Eat Jap food, nice buffet, jap food, nice steak, jap food, nice dim sum, and more jap food. (Realised all jap food is nice!!). Meet up with all the friends I promised to meet. Get my CD back from Wendy. CLUBBING! on 2nd thought, maybe I'll just go chill. Learn waltz! Go swim and get tan. Go gym and get fit. Go KTV and sing and scream. Shopping if i still have $$. Eat chocolates.. lotsa of chocolates. ARTS FEST!!!

In the meanwhile, I eat maggie mee for lunch, dinner and supper. Sit at my table read thick, thick books and files. Sleep for 5 hours. Watch TV while on my way to toilet. Try not to fall asleep at table and not waste time online like now. Back to BOOKS.

The Final Week

The final week has finally arrived. Still unsettled. Confidence level dropped even lower as each day passed. Simply becoz I feel that I have not studied. I read and read and read like mad. To the extent that I believed my myopia has gotten worse. But I simply forget what I read. I believed many are worried and afraid esp for the guys I guess. Maybe becoz I have not taken any exam for the past 3 years. From wat I remembered, I was more confident during A levels. Some how is more of a matter of A or B rather than a situation of C or D maybe except for GP.

My sister said I should be doing very well in school now becoz I'm studying what I like best. No more Maths, no more Humanities and most of all no more Languages Exams. How come I have no confidence in this exam that I'm supposed to like? We shall see how things goes. The final week. I HATE BIOCHEM!

I'm A SINNER!!!!

I guess I'm totally screwed. I bet I have no life. Today is the only day I did not force myself to go to school to study. Decided to meet up with friend for lunch and TRY to study at home. Well, it did not work out I guess. I slept after lunch and bum at home until now. All I did was take out my Silverthorn from my shelf and left it on my table.

For one day I bum. I feel like a sinner. I keep saying to myself that I'm wasting my time by not studying. Seems like the time spent on anything else but studying is a waste. I'm losing motivation. Studying never seems so difficult. Although I always feel pressured. I must run, this is not the time to say I give up. Not my style. Never my style. I will get there I know, I must.

Thanks to mum and frds who care, support, listen and understand. Its difficult time. At least I know that I'm not facing this alone. Thanks for those who study with me and motivating each others. Kenneth, Bran and Taby and many more. We will get through this together. Thanks to those I complain to. Through sms, phone or msn... Thanks for bearing with me. I'll be back to normal after 1st Apr'04. And that's not an April's Fool Joke.

I'm Back In SCHOOL!!!!

Yup yup.. even I surprised myself. I'm now in the student lounge of the Faculty for Dentistry. And if I'm not mistaken. Today is Sunday!!! Well, its supposed to be a rest day. That's what the Bible told me. I guess its not going to be a rest day for today and probably the next 3 Sundays to come. Perhaps only my fellow dental classmates will be able to understand the plight that we are in.

Yesterday, I wished I could have resisted the temptation of sushi. I met someone I never wanna see under such a situation. She was there celebrating her bf birthday. I was just 2 tables away. Still I decided to be gracious to just say hi. Perhaps they would much preferred that we acted as if we were strangers. Coz conversation wasn't exactly comfortable. Besides acting surprised and saying hi-bye there is nothing much I could say. Just another event to make my already lousy life worse.

But still I believe the right gal will appear at the right time. I'm sure she is worth all the waiting. Perhaps all my so-called love encounters now is simply for me to learn to love her better. Back to biochem.

My Cycles

I guess, my life have been revolving around a cycle. LONG mugging phase (uncountable no. of hours) SHORT testing phase (probably an hour or 2) and relaxing phase (the rest of the day after the test).

Well.. although studying isn't really what I will call enjoyable. But I must admit that I do like to find out how well I will fare thru a test. Maybe it comes down to my competitive nature. Compete not against anyone but myself. I always wanna know how far can I push myself, how far can I excel. Getting back results seems to be the most rewarding part of the whole cycle. Although I do get disappointed at times. I just hope that I wun disappoint myself in this coming exam. Its is one of my most hated feeling besides regrets and heartaches.

Talking about pain. I have a weird encounter while walking along Orchard with YH just now. Out of nowhere, I feel ant biting pain spreading from the skin from my toes to my head. It lasted less than a min. Its really damn weird. I can't help but to think that I have some hidden problem. Yet maybe I'm just too tired. Getting old i guess, I've lost the ability to go sleepless for 3 consec nites and yet be normal after a short nap. Maybe I ruined my health by doing that quite often.

Talking about sleep. I realised that I have been sleeping really little. Not just recently but throughout my whole life. For now, my usual bedtime is always ard 1-2am and I'll be up by latest 6am to be ready for school. So at most I have only 5 hr of sleep which is so not enough I guess. Maybe I make it up by sleeping like a log over the weekends. But still its unhealthy.

I kind of drifted from what I have intended to write.. Maybe natural is best. Just write, dun think, rethink and retype. Damn I'm sprouting nonsense. I'm sleepy I guess, I know. Another Crap Entry. Need Inspirations

Thanks For Saying YES

Thanks for walking me out. Thanks for putting up with my irritations. Thanks for saying YES. Thanks for being my frd. I declare u as the nicest person I have met. (Besides myself and my folks)

Sometimes I think my requests r a bit overboard. But never take my requests too seriously, simply becoz I maybe kidding more than 90% of the time. In fact most of the time, I am expecting a NO for an answer. Still its nice to have u to say YES. So lets keep it this way I hope.

I always asked how nice can a person be? Honestly, I must admit that I'm not that nice a person. So I'm rather impressed with ppl who can be really nice without hidden agenda. But still u crossed the limit I set for how nice a person can be. To the extent that I feel bad for even coming out with that request. I owe u a drink. Accept it so I can make myself feel better.

To further redeem my sins: Frd u r indeed mesmerizing in more ways than one.

Mugging Machine Breaking Down

I feel the pressure. I'm simply less than a month away from my very 1st professional exam. Yet, at this critical moment I cannot get myself down to study. I'm distracted I guess. I have actually decided to procrastinate all issues at hand until after exam. But it seems to me that I'm unable to do that now. My impulsive nature got the better of me. Without thinking twice, I bought it. Eugene said its just me to do such things. He supported my actions though. But I know whatever is my decision, he will always backed me up. The question is probably how am I going to give it away. I may end up keeping it for myself I guess.

I always thought that I'm a workaholic, nothing can distract me from work not even my ex-gf during the time we were together. Somehow this time things r slightly different. My mood swings like hell. Maybe becoz she seems so close yet the truth is that she is so distant.

Dinah called yesterday, that just have to make things worse. She feels that I've stopped caring for her although she did not say it. But I sense it in the way she speaks. I am sad that things have to turn out this way too.

My Life Story

Just read a book. One of those these that can set me thinking mode. Its about Dreams. Believing that u can achieve. I vaguely remembered that I have lotsa dreams when I was younger. But as I grew older, I feel its so much easier to give up dreams. Probably, becoz I'm able to survive quite well without trying make my dreams happen. Sometimes in order to fulfil a dream, one must have the courage to make sacrifices. Perhaps, I'm too weak for that. At least I realised that I had a choice. Since I'm the one who decided to give up my dreams. I shall not regret. Probably becoz I believed that there's always a possiblilty that I may end up with something better.

The best twist to my life is probably how I ended up in Dentistry. Becoz almost ever since, Sec 2 I've decided that I wanna be a medical doctor. I studied to get into the only biology class in my school. Many could not believed it, for I'm on the verge to be demoted to a normal stream. O levels is yet another hurdle. I know that in order to get into the local med school I have to get into one of the top local 5 JC. Yet, I screwed up. It must be by God's grace that I managed to stay on in VJC. Maybe I have my tutors to thank for. They must have spoken up for me. Trust me the few days while waiting for the result of my appeal is one of the worse days in my life.

A levels. Maybe, I'm indeed academically-inclined, ie muggish. All misfortunes hit me whenever I'm having my major exams. I got a C6 for my GP, which some bitch actually thought that I'm gonna fail. This bitch said one of the worse things I could ever bear to hear on the day I received my results.

"I heard u actually passed ur GP"
"Yah I did. I got a C6"
"Too bad, u still cannot get into medicine."
I simply walked away. I do not feel anger or humilated. Only have myself to blame I guess for she indeed have spoken the hurtful truth. Eventually I applied and got into Science.

National Service changed my whole life. I believed it has changed many others. For I served my time as a dental assistant. Only then I realised, God has shown me the path to take. I re-applied for Dentistry the next year. And right b4 i went for my interview and dexterity test. I met the man who guided and is still guiding me. He gave me confidence I've lost.

Here I am now. In Dentistry. I'm glad that I made it this far. Though I know its going to be tough, I'm still glad that I'm able to take this path that has been planned for me. Still, I do not speak of the future. Whatever the case, I'm sure this is definitely better and I wont regret I have chosen this path.

Anyways this entry sounds like my life story. Just wanna tell all that I'm with now, dun be daunted by all the hurdles we r facing now. Just know that we will get there. Have faith.