Untrue Beliefs

I need to grow up. I am forever repeating my mistakes, again and again. Use my head I hope I will. My heart shouts so loud that I am always overwhelmed. Though my heart has shattered itself over and over again. It doesn't seems to learn its lessons. I have no idea (actually I do) how many times I have been through this cycle. Yet, I remain so optimistic, though I have been hurt over and over again. Life is unfair I always know that. But why am I always getting the unfair treatment. Till now, I am kind of used to it liao. Maybe I am born this way. Rather me than any of them. I always decide to do wat they deems fit. I can't bear to see them hurt I guess. So much easier to hurt myself I realised. I really, really wanted to be selfish for once, and do things my way. But seeing her I can't bear to. Weak spot, I guess.

Many things I believed are true seems untrue. I believed in sincerity, I never lack that, just that I don't seems wat I am. I believed if feelings r true and mutual, things will work. I believed that I can give unselfish love and be loved in return. Tested and proven, Life dun work in accordance to my beliefs. Well at least, I still have hope. Some beliefs have not been proven otherwise. I believed if its meant to be its meant to be. I believed someone out there will treasure and be worthy of my heart. I believed in HOPE.

This time, I think will be no different. Though I still hold on to the little hope that I have in my heart. Like I said I am really born this way. I always think that I am smart. But when it comes to relationship, trust me I am almost an idiot. Maybe like Wei Hon said. I may not be ready yet though I may think that I am. God has his plans he said. Maybe I think too much for my own comfort. Maybe, I do too much for her comfort. Try to be frd I shall. Hold on to the glimpse of hope like candlelight I will. Give me encouragements if u feel for me. I really need.

"To let go is like setting a prisoner free,
Only to realised that the prisoner was ME."

Starry Starry Night

I was very happy yesterday. I loved my hobby though I might ended up missing the last bus home. I got to know so much more. I will give more time, more effort, more faith, more sincerity and more love. I see another like, more likes. I may seem helpless, but trust me I am so not. For I know there is always hope, there is always me, there is always u to make things work. Nothing more I can say. Besides thanks. Thanks for coming into my life, thanks for letting me enter urs.

Last Night I looked out of my windows,
And start to match each star with a reason for loving you...
It was going so well,
Until I ran out of stars.

Bad Reputation

My reputation preceeds me. Thats what Wei Hon said very long time ago. I never thought it is anything serious. But somehow now its coming back to haunt me. I have faith that we can work things out. I do not wish to convince with words. All I need is time. I will show. I will not rush. But please give me encouragements. I really need. Maybe I am too close to gals. Maybe I appear too Hua Xin. Time to reflect I think. Anyways, since things r already as such I shall let nature takes its course. I will try definitely.

Well, my mind is totally occupied by this matter I guess. No mood to think of work that has to be done. Canvassing, Presentation, Jam N Hop. Be responsible I tell myself, do wat I am supposed to do. But the truth is I am too lazy to. Thanks to my frds who r more responsible than me. Jing Rong for settling the Canvassing, PL and Wanyi for settling the Presentation. So I guess I have to do something about Jam N Hop.

3 Days, 2 Nights.

Long story, how to begin. We finally had our very 1st class chalet. Fun, definitely. Probably a bit far from ideal. Perhaps, my previous chalets have a lot more shouting, screaming pillow fighting, heart to heart conversations and stupid yet memorable activities. Maybe, its the age. The older u get the more difficult to execute irresponsible behaviour. Yet, I find the chance of bonding is lower.

Perhaps, I'm indeed a pessimist. The disappointing sight always hit me harder than anything that is positive. Many left after the 1st night. Reasons being, wanna sleep at home, wanna watch TV at home. But I know its becoz they felt it was rather boring and nothing better to do to hang around. I do not blame them for feeling that way. There is a certain air of sian-ness floating around. I must say that the 1st night sleep they had is definitely far from comfort.

Perhaps, I should stop being an idealist. Thinking that everyone shd be spontaneous, shd be doing everything together and not separated into groups. But I realised that it is completely normal that ppl would prefer to be with ppl they are closer to, prefer to do things they like better rather than to compromise in order to be able to stick together as a class. The simple fact that we all r different individuals coming from different walks of life explains everything i figured. The truth why my previous class chalets seems to be ideal to me is probably becoz my friends and I are more similar and we were so young and crazy. We all wanna do the same thing together that explains why we never feel sian i guess. There is rarely any moment of peace and silence.

Maybe chalet shd belong to a thing of the past. I'm too old for it. Still its always nice to have everyone ard and staying over together. Bonding may not have occured as a class but definitely have occured within individual friendship. For that I am glad that I had the chalet. Nice Jenga games. Nijam still unstripped though. Great to have soccer watching with the guys, Geng Feng with his funny comments. Playing games in a stuffy room with everyone seems less of a torture. Soccer was fun but will be better if Clement and I never fall down. But still nice to see Lin Lin and Diana play, trust me they r good. Frisbe made more fun with all the masters of disguise and craps we crapped.

I wanna thank those who stayed the 2nd night so I can have ghost stories to listen to. I thank those who stayed so I wun have to end up checking out alone today. Special thanks to Wei Song and Mao Jie, for the short conversation at the beach. It really helps. Everyone shd thanks Dennis Tiong for he did all the shitty jobs of cleaning up the place for all of us and settling the money part so that everyone need not pay a single cent YET for this chalet. I thank ppl who never sleep with me to make a chalet a good time to spoil ur biological clock and be unhealthy.

Well... thats it I guess. Been quite a lengthy piece. And hope that u all had fun, for I had mine.

Back To VJC

Back to VJC. I feel alienated. Probably, I feel old back to my old school. Still some things never change. The Western Food auntie is still as cute as ever, her Fish and Chip is still $2.30 and still taste nice to me. Maybe its the memory of the 99S12 having western food together makes me fond of going back and relieving the good old times. Sadly, none of them were back with me today. Only managed to see Mrs Chuah coz Mrs Teo is on course. She is still as motherly as ever. As always with out fails, she would rush me to find a gf quickly. Still its nice to be back.

Met Eugene later the day. We are such great frds, I always can't wait to tell him whatever gladness or sadness I have. Like I said to him, he is one of the few friends I treasured. Though I have many friends, or should I say accquaintances. There is none that I could share as much with. Perhaps to Wei Hon as well, though he is more of an elder brother to me. Good friends are hard to find. Friendships are hard to maintain. Treasure them I will. Close to my heart they will be placed.

Someday I should tape down my INTERESTING conversations with Eugene. We really know each other quite well. I'm quite interested to find out who ur future gf be like. U really have a simple yet difficult to find gal. Keep ur faith and hope, I'm sure someday ur princess will come. I was supposed to thank u for the treat. I buy u dinner when I am less broke okay.

Singlehood VS Attachment

"One cannot pick all the beautiful shells on a beach, only can pick a few. They are more beautiful because there is only a few of them"
Anne Morrow Lindbergh

This was the quote of the day I saw on NEL. Its quite interesting in a sense that I can make inferences to beautiful shells to beautiful gals. Except u can only pick one instead of a few.

Is Singlehood better than Attachment? That was the debate today between me, Yonghe, Anqi and Wei Song (the only one attached). Somehow this kind of conversation will never have any conclusion. Still, its always interesting to see each other views on such topic. Somehow, the grass is always greener on the other side. Yet, singlehood is indeed quite enjoyable and more troubleless. Let nature takes its course I guess is the best way to end such thoughts.

Today, I'm damn proud of myself. I managed to survive with only $2. In fact I did not spend a single cent when I went out. Thanks to frds whom willingly let me share their fries and drinks. I'm a parasite.

Worthy Holiday

Eugene commented once again that my blog is depressing. Well, maybe through pouring my pessimism here, I have became more optimistic. Today was my 1st attempt to stay at home to save money. I was bored by the time it is noon. So out I went to have lunch with the windsurfing people. Forced them to bum with me, esp my chio chio, blur blur, black black frd. We even went to see furnitures. I believed she saw some stuffs she liked as well. I found a nice chair finally, only $138. The only problem is its colour I guess. Still I shd not think of it now since I'm indeed quite broke.

I was disgusted today. Swearing and cursing is nothing new to me. But doing it to a gal in public definitely got me on my nerve. I believed they r a couple. As much as I would like to stop him, I did nothing. Perhaps, I am just another typical Singaporean. I can't give myself a reason good enough to go up to him and get him to shut his trap. Maybe some things you do not need any reason. Follow my heart I will next time.

I am labelled as a buaya by my chio, blur, black frd. Simply becoz I decided to offer a drink to the lady who allowed us to entertain ourselves with her toys for a really long time. I was just trying to show my appreciation to her with no ulterior motive. Yet that got me into that name. Well, doesn't pay to be kind these days.

Still, today is a good day. Coz I have made it worth calling a holiday rather than spending it bumming at home. Last of all to a frd I heard is sad. Cheer up please.

Tired, Weary, Fatigue

Today, I'm tired. Slept late last nite becoz a bunch of us went for movie and supper. After that Yonghe, Dennis, Lulin, Diana and Wanyi came to stay overnight at my place. Sorry that its so cramp, sorry that its so cold and sorry that its so far. I guess I'm a lousy host. My house don't have much entertainment I realised. All I can offered is PG (not porn) VCDs and my bed.

Cycling in Ubin today was quite fun, though itchy, hot, sticky and I was chased by a dog. Well, dunno why they never chase Yonghe although he was the one who irritated them. I just look more bulliable I guess. Still, the day was great with COCONUTS and SUBWAY. Still now I'm tired.

I guess, I'm more mentally drained than physically. I have a thousand and one thing that I wanna do plus a thousand and one thing I need to do. Yet all I have done is ever since hols began are things I like to do. I'm simply too lazy to be bothered with the matters at hand. Last minute worker I guess, I am. I'm so tired from having fun that I have no wish for school term. It will come very much sooner than I thought it will be, definitely. In the meantime, I'll enjoy all that I need to, all that I deserved. Before I head back to hell again.

Heart Problem

My heart beat. Faster and faster. I crapped, I laughed to hide my panic. I think I'm going to be dead again. Probably, I will be drowned coz I really can't tell how deep the water is. Testing, testing, I wish I could do a better job. I guess all I can do is to wait and see. Jumping in will kill me for sure. I'm wishing for hints and clues. Maybe I'm a fool. Coz wise men say only fools rush in.

So much for trying to write in riddles. Perhaps, all who read will know. A futile attempt I believed. Well, tomolo will be Good Friday. Thank U God for sending ur son to bear my sins. I so deserve it not. I hope I can be less ashame of myself.

I Cried. I've Sinned

Today was a hectic day. Rushed down for my friend's viva. Took a wrong shuttle bus and ended up in Kent Ridge Wing instead of the main building. In the end had to run all the way to the physio blk. Luckily I made it in time to give her whatever encouragement I could. Seems that everything when smooth. Still we'll be keeping our finger crossed until the results is out. After that we went to settle the chalet and bummed until its time for dinner and movie.

Although I knew the story but I can't help but to cry throughout the show. I rarely cry perhaps its a guy ego thing. But somehow I can't help but to cry. I dun understand why He is willing to suffer for Men. Men who have sinned. Men who deserve no forgiveness. I cursed those who inflicted pain on Him. Yet he is able to forgive them. Love ur enemies he said. Somehow I feel very emotional throughout the show. I cursed myself for not having faith in God. Though I may believe in him but still I have no faith.

I will slowly find it I guess. For many have told me that when u find it u will know it. If God u hear me. Forgive me that I can't have total faith yet. Lead me and I will follow what u have in placed for me. Thanks for ur patience with me. Meanwhile I hope u answer my pray for my frd. I hope u'll hear.

Un-Invited Viva I Went

Today, I confirmed about one character in me. I am indeed thick-skinned. Today, I went back to school to show support to those going for viva. Becoz besides praying, the next best thing I can do is to be there for them. Though i definitely can't be of much help. Anyways Prof Raj thought that I was in the Distinction Viva when he saw me outside the Anatomy Hall. Sorry that I have disappointed him. One of the worst feeling to have is to disappoint someone I truly have respect for.

But halfway through the progress of distinction viva. I asked Prof Raj if I can have a go at the viva. Just becoz I really wanna see how a anatomy viva was conducted. He promptly agreed to arranged for me to have a try after all those who were shortlisted for viva. I was simply in the mood for fun. Not realising that I was being rather thick-skin. Where the hell u find ppl who request to be on the list on the distinction viva. When they are not even invited in the 1st place. I believed I might have been one in a thousand years man.

Perhaps its the love for the subject that prompted me to do such ding dong thing. I was enjoying throughout the whole session. I do not regret going for it. At the end of the session, I was very flatter when Prof Gopal actually asked me if I'm interested to consider teaching anatomy as my future career option. Dunno if he meant it as a joke anot. But still I'm very flattered. I must really thank Prof Raj for giving me a chance to go through the viva. Definitely they will not altered the score. But, its never the results that concern me, its the process of going through the viva.

More flattering words came when I met the Lab Tech in NUH. He actually told me that the Panel of Professors are pretty impressed by me. Quite a pity that I did not make it into the Distinction Viva. But I guess I do not need a distinction for anatomy. For their comments for me are definitely more valuable, in fact its priceless to me.

But after some thoughts. I still find that I'm being rather thick-skin by doing that. But still no regrets. Back to more serious note. I really hope that all my frds can get thru this difficult time. Trust me that I pray. Sorry that I can't help. I will study with u if u want me to. I will study for u if u need me to. But I guess I'm still helpless.

Its Over. Is It?

Well.. today is a happy day. My very 1st B.D.S Professional Examination is finally over. Trust me I am no more pro than before. Anyways had lotsa fun and laughter peace and joy for the whole of the day. Although was rather drained, but I guess, I dun need sleep after exam. I need to play more I figured.

Some of them cannot totally relax becoz at the back of their mind they r thinking if they will be able to make it through. This issue will pop up once in a while, though I believed we all are enjoying our day. I guess we can only pray now. For all is fixed. For all who I have betted with. Trust me I dun mean the bets. Otherwise, I will be getting free meals for the whole month for I have absolute faith that I will win the bets. Seeing u all making it through definitely worth more that the meals to me.

Anyways, was talking to Jing Rong about family relationship on the way home. It all started with her guilt of spend so much money on dolling herself up. Well, I think its well-spent. Somehow we linked to relationship with our parents. Then I started to think of how my relationship is with my dad. We love and care for each other that's for sure. But we just dunno how to express it. I know that my dad has been trying very hard to get to know me better. Yet everytime when he try to chat with me, I'll get very impatient with him. Somehow I just dun feel like talking. Maybe, I just a lousy son. On the contary, I'm so close to my mum. Maybe relationship has to be build-up over the years. Yet, I think its not my fault that my dad was never around last time. Coz he was taking 2 jobs at the same time. Maybe, I should be putting in more effort to improve the relationship.

Birds always sing after a storm. Maybe that why I'm singing tomolo. KTV, here I come.