Probably, I'm bored. Just like how Kenneth put it. I'm also supposed to be rushing through the proposal for Dr Richard Snell which is going to be due on Tuesday. Anyways I decided to give myself a break, though I've been breaking on/off since morning after my weekly dose of Justice League. A better excuse would be its a rare opportunity to blog on 29th Of Feb, once every 4 years. Like I said, I'm bored. Bullshit is all I've written.
I miss the days that I can enjoy my Lazy Sunday.. Watching cartoons, reading Calvin And Hobbes, playing stupid games and most important of all bumming ard doing nothing. Maybe its still a matter of choice. Of course I can still do all these things. But perhaps with guilt. Guilty for not spending the time doing something more useful(=mugging). I've no idea when I started having this kind of mentality. Maybe, I've grown to be more responsible, knowing my priorities. Still I think I need to strike a balance. I believe that an overdosage of anything is bad for health, even things like sleep and water.
Anyways, I've planned out all the fun that I will have after my very 1st Professional Exam. I wonder how I will be more professional after that. Maybe not I guess. Anyways it feel good to just write bullshit at times. At least, I wun have too many thoughts running through my head. My only thought now is whether to watch WaterBoy anot.
Sunday, February 29, 2004
Wednesday, February 25, 2004
DA Test Crisis
Many things running thru my head. I realised I always have a lot of stuffs to write. Yet without fail, only the depressed or shd I just say more solemn stuffs will be blogged. A very interesting frd of mine mentioned that my blog is rather dark. Funnily he actually commented that I might have sucidal tendency. I'm a rather complicated person, I'm not surprised that I may appeared sucidal to him. He just dunno the why I guess. Let me just write for once.
DA test. The questions and answers I possessed. Perhaps the whole world have it too. One frd questioned the system. I agreed its screwed coz we are orientated to score for the test simply by mugging the questions that we already know the answers rather than to truly understand the subject itself. Yet I see another light. Its still a matter of choice. I have not gave up honest mugging though I have too cheated.
Some that I know of does not give a damn about knowing the questions anot. One claimed its more rewarding to actually answer the questions correctly base on his knowledge. Honest or stupid, not for me to judge. On my part, I dun give a damn if u have the paper anot, u r smart or stupid. Just dun preach to me not to cheat. By the way, no lolipop next time round, coz I'm damn irritated in case u still have no idea. Anyways, I prefer my interesting frd who also dun have the paper, yet dun go ard boasting he dun need them. U the man.
Still, DA test tested us. Just like any crisis, it bring out the best and the worse of me and perhaps many others. All I can say is its a matter of choice. Stick to it and dun regret it. Some worry over it, some got angry over it, some got depressed over it and one teared over it. My heart sank. I wish I could help, I sweared I tried. Yet I'm not GOD i know. I'm helpless myself to very large extend. So probably I can only pray.
DA test. The questions and answers I possessed. Perhaps the whole world have it too. One frd questioned the system. I agreed its screwed coz we are orientated to score for the test simply by mugging the questions that we already know the answers rather than to truly understand the subject itself. Yet I see another light. Its still a matter of choice. I have not gave up honest mugging though I have too cheated.
Some that I know of does not give a damn about knowing the questions anot. One claimed its more rewarding to actually answer the questions correctly base on his knowledge. Honest or stupid, not for me to judge. On my part, I dun give a damn if u have the paper anot, u r smart or stupid. Just dun preach to me not to cheat. By the way, no lolipop next time round, coz I'm damn irritated in case u still have no idea. Anyways, I prefer my interesting frd who also dun have the paper, yet dun go ard boasting he dun need them. U the man.
Still, DA test tested us. Just like any crisis, it bring out the best and the worse of me and perhaps many others. All I can say is its a matter of choice. Stick to it and dun regret it. Some worry over it, some got angry over it, some got depressed over it and one teared over it. My heart sank. I wish I could help, I sweared I tried. Yet I'm not GOD i know. I'm helpless myself to very large extend. So probably I can only pray.
Sunday, February 22, 2004
Disappointing Myself
Once again, I disappointed myself. Self-awareness exercise failed.
"Hey Stanley so ur gf is from TH izzit?"
"Huh gf?" I was still pondering what gf is.
"Ur girl friend"
"I dun have girl friend" I promptly replied.
The very 1st thought of that was rather amusing. Yet after a while I realised the seriousness. How on earth did he get the idea? Maybe I'm at fault again. Can't help but to blush throughout lunch until ppl around me noticed. I blamed it on the hot weather. At least once again it proved that I'm a good liar.
"Hey Stanley so ur gf is from TH izzit?"
"Huh gf?" I was still pondering what gf is.
"Ur girl friend"
"I dun have girl friend" I promptly replied.
The very 1st thought of that was rather amusing. Yet after a while I realised the seriousness. How on earth did he get the idea? Maybe I'm at fault again. Can't help but to blush throughout lunch until ppl around me noticed. I blamed it on the hot weather. At least once again it proved that I'm a good liar.
Love U 8 Hr Everyday
Just watched a Chinese Film on Ch 8. Its simply about love and sex in the city. I realised how similar am I to Tony Leung. Not looks definitely, just personality in the show. I am too willing to visualise myself being attached to the gals that I meet. And probably I dun even know why do I do that all the time. Maybe I shd learn to be more selective. Yet, emotions is definitely not something I can control the most. Let nature take its course that's what I'll say when I choose denial and try to convince myself to believe in fate. Probably after a while I stop believing as usual.
Anyways, day was boring with Avery. Thankfully I have done stuff beside mugging, otherwise I really would have wasted my weekend. Received a timely sms from an e-pal. Its those kind of good afternoon sms. Somehow there is something special about this frd of mine that I have never met though we have known each other for 1yr 7mths. On my part, I think I have not really been keeping in touch with her. Yet, her messages to me always arrive right on time whenever I need some encouragement. I dunno if I'll ever get to meet her, will try not to though. So that I can really have a pure platonic frdship with someone for once. For once I will prove myself wrong and start believing in its existence.
Anyways, day was boring with Avery. Thankfully I have done stuff beside mugging, otherwise I really would have wasted my weekend. Received a timely sms from an e-pal. Its those kind of good afternoon sms. Somehow there is something special about this frd of mine that I have never met though we have known each other for 1yr 7mths. On my part, I think I have not really been keeping in touch with her. Yet, her messages to me always arrive right on time whenever I need some encouragement. I dunno if I'll ever get to meet her, will try not to though. So that I can really have a pure platonic frdship with someone for once. For once I will prove myself wrong and start believing in its existence.
Friday, February 20, 2004
Weary Walk
I am weary. Thank God I still can see myself walking to the end. One almost down, three more to go. Many started losing faith, confidence and focus. I have always understand that it is more of a want than a need to work so hard. I am too proud to say i give up. Maybe I'm just not willing to be average. Probably, a break is all I needed to bring me back on track. Resting I am now.
My mesmerising frd tell me thinking too much is bad. Think I thought of that some time ago. For she is not the 1st, neither will she be the last. There is something about this friend of mine. She is always so comforting, so kind. For she is so real, and all she said I know came from her heart not her mind. Nice to have u around.
My mesmerising frd tell me thinking too much is bad. Think I thought of that some time ago. For she is not the 1st, neither will she be the last. There is something about this friend of mine. She is always so comforting, so kind. For she is so real, and all she said I know came from her heart not her mind. Nice to have u around.
Thursday, February 19, 2004
I Think Too Much
For the 1st time I have a conclusion after thinking. I think too much. Wasn't in a glad mood for the past 2 days. Depression was setting in I feel, I know. Talking is therapeutic, though at the end of the day nothing is resolved. Dodo Bird said we just wanna find support and recognisation from ppl that's why we need to talk. Dodo Bird impressed me today with her thoughts rather than her words. She rarely speaks, yet pin-point truth she spoke. Listen more I should, talk less I will. Talked to many others also, but what was said shd belong only to us. Our business are our own. Just wanna say that I feel my time is more well spent than any other mugging days, thanks to u know who u r.
Maybe its the coming Bowling Good Times untimely placed so close to the test. Yet the truth is that we always have tests. Was not willing to go begging, I'm proud I guess. Yet by knowing that many who r willing to give up their precious Sunday morning r going to be there simply becoz of my sake makes me glad. Just read Kenneth's Blog and was quite touched. Maybe this is a test better than any other that I have to take with these 2 mths.
Maybe its the coming Bowling Good Times untimely placed so close to the test. Yet the truth is that we always have tests. Was not willing to go begging, I'm proud I guess. Yet by knowing that many who r willing to give up their precious Sunday morning r going to be there simply becoz of my sake makes me glad. Just read Kenneth's Blog and was quite touched. Maybe this is a test better than any other that I have to take with these 2 mths.
Monday, February 16, 2004
Nothing But The Tooth
I read through my past entries and realised I dun really write about light-hearted stuffs. Maybe becoz whenever I am alone. I tend to be more pensive. That's what ppl tell me. Some even says the way I write is so not me. Anyways, I always believe that everyone has different faces. I'm me when I am alone I guess.
Tooth Hunting! That was the highlight for the day where everyone tried their very best to find a decent looking tooth to be mounted. Yet most hunting end up in vain. For the simple fact that only grossly caries tooth will have to be extracted unless its becoz of perio problems. Many have flustered looks on their faces. Only then I realised that Optec is indeed stressful.
Yet what affect me more today is not stress. I was simply on the phone with Wei Hon and mentioned that the teeth he got me the other time cannot be use for mounting. 5 min later he called back and simply tell me that he will be dropping by NUH to pass me some teeth. Maybe, I am really a pampered kid. He always treat me like his younger brother, I looked up to him as an elder brother too. Still I'm very grateful. I think he must have went through some effort to get those extracted teeth. Come to think of it. He has no use for those extracted teeth, yet he made the effort to keep them. Well what can I say. Dude the 2nd paycheck is yours. Though I know u always say that for fun only. The next best thing is perhaps to just say thank you.
Decided to add in a light hearted incident of the day. I was standing on the train leaning against the side of the door on my way back tonight. I guess I must be very tired that I fell asleep while standing. The comical part come in when I actually fell down onto the floor when as i slept. It was kind of embarassing coz it created a fair bit of attention. Some ppl actually thought I fainted and promptly offered me their seats. Well.. I was so embarassed that I act like I never hear them and close my eyes and pretended to sleep. Thought its quite funny. Hope my blunder can bring smiles.
Tooth Hunting! That was the highlight for the day where everyone tried their very best to find a decent looking tooth to be mounted. Yet most hunting end up in vain. For the simple fact that only grossly caries tooth will have to be extracted unless its becoz of perio problems. Many have flustered looks on their faces. Only then I realised that Optec is indeed stressful.
Yet what affect me more today is not stress. I was simply on the phone with Wei Hon and mentioned that the teeth he got me the other time cannot be use for mounting. 5 min later he called back and simply tell me that he will be dropping by NUH to pass me some teeth. Maybe, I am really a pampered kid. He always treat me like his younger brother, I looked up to him as an elder brother too. Still I'm very grateful. I think he must have went through some effort to get those extracted teeth. Come to think of it. He has no use for those extracted teeth, yet he made the effort to keep them. Well what can I say. Dude the 2nd paycheck is yours. Though I know u always say that for fun only. The next best thing is perhaps to just say thank you.
Decided to add in a light hearted incident of the day. I was standing on the train leaning against the side of the door on my way back tonight. I guess I must be very tired that I fell asleep while standing. The comical part come in when I actually fell down onto the floor when as i slept. It was kind of embarassing coz it created a fair bit of attention. Some ppl actually thought I fainted and promptly offered me their seats. Well.. I was so embarassed that I act like I never hear them and close my eyes and pretended to sleep. Thought its quite funny. Hope my blunder can bring smiles.
Sunday, February 15, 2004
Game Start
And so it all begun. I do not see the end. Just becoz I choose not to speak of the future. All I felt was rage, disgust, irritation and pissed. Hide it I tried, suppress it I failed. Fear. I have not for myself but friends. I am indeed helpless. I wanna get out, I know I can't. Be true to myself I wish I could. Perhaps Ignorance is Bliss. Too bad too late, I have taken the Red Pill. No more shall I speak for today. Emotions has ruled over my mind, I have lost my cool. My mistakes I have revealed, I have learnt. Learn the smart way never the hard way. Yet fools we are. For I know I am.
Saturday, February 14, 2004
Love Is In The Air
Still I have decided to write. Though I was once again questioned. That must have really put me off. Once again, I tried to fight off my insecurities on how others are going to judge me for what I think. Accept me for who I am, accept whatever I've said as truth. Why ask if u r going to doubt?
Love is indeed in the air. I am also in the mood for love, though some funny dude reminded me that I should be in the mood for physio. Many ard me r troubled by LOVE. I've have come to understand that love is never so simple. Does declaring ur affection for someone to the world means love? Isn't love something intangible, shd it ever be considered as investment? Someone impressed me by writing he was not impressed with the moves some has made for their "love". He inspired me to come out with this entry. Perhaps, I will be judged again. But why shd I even care?
Pressurized I feel more than love for someone who received flowers in the eyes of the whole world. Maybe its just different practice. It may well just an act of expressing one's love. Yet, trying to impress is what I feel not love. Is there a need to do that? If U truly like someone shouldn't u think more of her feelings than ur own. I can't help but to feel sorry for both. Can love ever be invested? Many must have told her how much was spent on that bouquet. But shd money even matters? I think not. Yet again, I'm in no position to judge. Remained an onlooker I shall. Though a cynical one.
Anyways I am also playing this game of love and perhaps I myself have no idea what love is. Eugene said love is a state of mind. I said its sweet poison. Intoxication of our mind and fools we have all become. We laughed.
Truth Bites Reality Hurts. Just wanna tell a frd to face them. Though it may hurt. Be glad u feel hurt coz it only means u indeed have put in ur heart. Know when it is time to let go and be gracious. Love dun need declaration, dun need reciprocation. The only one that need to know that u have loved is urself. Thank God for showing u someone u love.
Love is indeed in the air. I am also in the mood for love, though some funny dude reminded me that I should be in the mood for physio. Many ard me r troubled by LOVE. I've have come to understand that love is never so simple. Does declaring ur affection for someone to the world means love? Isn't love something intangible, shd it ever be considered as investment? Someone impressed me by writing he was not impressed with the moves some has made for their "love". He inspired me to come out with this entry. Perhaps, I will be judged again. But why shd I even care?
Pressurized I feel more than love for someone who received flowers in the eyes of the whole world. Maybe its just different practice. It may well just an act of expressing one's love. Yet, trying to impress is what I feel not love. Is there a need to do that? If U truly like someone shouldn't u think more of her feelings than ur own. I can't help but to feel sorry for both. Can love ever be invested? Many must have told her how much was spent on that bouquet. But shd money even matters? I think not. Yet again, I'm in no position to judge. Remained an onlooker I shall. Though a cynical one.
Anyways I am also playing this game of love and perhaps I myself have no idea what love is. Eugene said love is a state of mind. I said its sweet poison. Intoxication of our mind and fools we have all become. We laughed.
Truth Bites Reality Hurts. Just wanna tell a frd to face them. Though it may hurt. Be glad u feel hurt coz it only means u indeed have put in ur heart. Know when it is time to let go and be gracious. Love dun need declaration, dun need reciprocation. The only one that need to know that u have loved is urself. Thank God for showing u someone u love.
Thursday, February 12, 2004
My Conversation With Snow White
I remembered the Snow White I saw on cartoon when I was very young. She is so beautiful but so frail. Her love story is so beautiful and so simple. So different is she from the Snow White I have come to know. Yes she is beautiful but definitely not frail. She thinks a lot probably more than me. We talked abt love. So simple we asked for, so difficult to find so long we've seeked. I cannot remember the whole conversation. Just feel so comfortable to be honest with someone who will not judge me for the truth I have spoken. Thanks.
With many ways I have tried. I can't write the contents of today's wonderful conversation without revealing what i shd not. So all I can say is I've enjoyed that conversation.
Today is indeed a happening day. Perhaps becoz of all the gifts that everyone is giving everyone. Every gal deserves a flower on Valentine, perhaps some more than others. Just a side thought. I'm in the mood for love too. Maybe flowers I shd give to make someone special too.
This entry is delicated for the Snow White I've come to known.
With many ways I have tried. I can't write the contents of today's wonderful conversation without revealing what i shd not. So all I can say is I've enjoyed that conversation.
Today is indeed a happening day. Perhaps becoz of all the gifts that everyone is giving everyone. Every gal deserves a flower on Valentine, perhaps some more than others. Just a side thought. I'm in the mood for love too. Maybe flowers I shd give to make someone special too.
This entry is delicated for the Snow White I've come to known.
Monday, February 09, 2004
Nice To See U
I thought I saw her. Without my glasses I strained my eyes.
"Yuwen!" I shouted. She turned and yes it is her.
Just bumped into my ex on my way back. We spoke as if we are only accquaintance. Maybe we are. Throughout our short conversation I was asking her about her life. Though she try not to show, I could tell she was more than willing to take her leave. Not a single word of comfort from her. She did not even ask how am I doing. Maybe we are if not perhaps we should be out of each other life for good. Still I will try to remember only the good.
Anyways seeing her is a good thing. I know that I've truly let go already. I dun feel a thing when i saw her. No love nor hate, No comfort nor discomfort. Just like an accquaintance. Perhaps its best that things turned out this way.
V day is again around the corner. Really feel like going out on a date with someone. Even if its just a frd. It definitely beats spending it alone with my books. But once again it seems to be the case that I am indeed unwanted.
"Yuwen!" I shouted. She turned and yes it is her.
Just bumped into my ex on my way back. We spoke as if we are only accquaintance. Maybe we are. Throughout our short conversation I was asking her about her life. Though she try not to show, I could tell she was more than willing to take her leave. Not a single word of comfort from her. She did not even ask how am I doing. Maybe we are if not perhaps we should be out of each other life for good. Still I will try to remember only the good.
Anyways seeing her is a good thing. I know that I've truly let go already. I dun feel a thing when i saw her. No love nor hate, No comfort nor discomfort. Just like an accquaintance. Perhaps its best that things turned out this way.
V day is again around the corner. Really feel like going out on a date with someone. Even if its just a frd. It definitely beats spending it alone with my books. But once again it seems to be the case that I am indeed unwanted.
Saturday, February 07, 2004
Addicted To Love
Chatting with Eugene is always good. He tell me the obvious which i have always refused to anknowledge. He forced me to face myself and my rubbishs. He just simply know me too well. I'm glad he's there to knock some sense into me.
Know my priorities. Studies without a doubt.
Why I want be in a relationship? I dunno.
What kind of relationship i want? I dunno
Who is the gal I like? I dunno
Is there anyone that I like in the 1st place? I also dunno.
There is a thousand and one questions that I dunno how to answer. Maybe becoz its unpredictable that's why its fun, interesting, luring and addictive. Must know how to play the game a tall pretty frd said. I'm still learning gaining experience and trying to level up. I guess just like any other games. The game of love.
Maybe being natural is the easiest way. Just be yourself. So naturally, I will be nice to gals that I'm interested in. Probably through my actions I will be able to tell subconcisiously that who i like exactly. Who knows I may start doing crazy things for a gal just like before. Then I will tell the whole world I'm in love again. But like Eugene have said. Its always the gals that decide.
Know my priorities. Studies without a doubt.
Why I want be in a relationship? I dunno.
What kind of relationship i want? I dunno
Who is the gal I like? I dunno
Is there anyone that I like in the 1st place? I also dunno.
There is a thousand and one questions that I dunno how to answer. Maybe becoz its unpredictable that's why its fun, interesting, luring and addictive. Must know how to play the game a tall pretty frd said. I'm still learning gaining experience and trying to level up. I guess just like any other games. The game of love.
Maybe being natural is the easiest way. Just be yourself. So naturally, I will be nice to gals that I'm interested in. Probably through my actions I will be able to tell subconcisiously that who i like exactly. Who knows I may start doing crazy things for a gal just like before. Then I will tell the whole world I'm in love again. But like Eugene have said. Its always the gals that decide.
Wednesday, February 04, 2004
Reverse The Irreversible
Irreversible.. all things r just irreversible I guess. I'm no film critics. All I can say is I'm in love with films. Not Hollywood movies anymore. For I love only fillms that make me think, perhaps I love to think. "Time is a destroyer of all things" a quote from the film I just watched. To me time do not destroy. It just cause all things to go unidirectional.. All things changes as time move everything forward. Only change remain constant.
I know I have changed. So sure that i know even my favourite colour has changed. The question is if my change is superficial or is it deep? i am aware of the changes. From introvert to extrovert, from shy to shyless, from quiet to loud. Yet, I know that I am still me. Just that I hide in my new face. None except a few see the one behind the mask. One that have so much fear, that feel so insecure. Fears of unacceptances, dislikes and discriminations by everyone in fact anyone. But at least I still have me.
"Conformity is a social disease" said my elder brother that i never had.
I am infected. I know. I said.
I know I have changed. So sure that i know even my favourite colour has changed. The question is if my change is superficial or is it deep? i am aware of the changes. From introvert to extrovert, from shy to shyless, from quiet to loud. Yet, I know that I am still me. Just that I hide in my new face. None except a few see the one behind the mask. One that have so much fear, that feel so insecure. Fears of unacceptances, dislikes and discriminations by everyone in fact anyone. But at least I still have me.
"Conformity is a social disease" said my elder brother that i never had.
I am infected. I know. I said.
Tuesday, February 03, 2004
Happy Day
Today is a Happy Day.
I only realised how I've made my parents proud today. The glow in their face when they introduced the ding dong to their old friends. They r impressed with ding dong composure, which makes me wonder why. Probably they are more impressed with the fact that ding dong is a Dental Surgeon to be. I'm proud of my future profession. But what I'm glad of is that I've made my parents proud. I will do better.
I strangled her from behind. A reflex when she said something to irritate me today. Suddenly, I felt things r back to normal. I feel happy. So all is not lost yet. She's still my brudder if I can simply continue to treat her as one. I tried and is still trying. Guess time is the best medicine for all heartaches. I hope time can heal my frd. He is still hurting.
More self-awareness I tell myself again. Ding dong seems to take over me whenever there is a big crowd. Its true that he can handles or perhaps even entertains big crowd better than I do. But many have seems too start taking me for granted becoz of all the foolish acts committed by ding dong. I have to stand out. But the crowd always seems to prefer ding dong. I dun entertain becoz I'm not a clown. But I'm more me. Try knowing me better than ding dong, My frds. Try showing more of myself, Stanley.
I hide becoz I have fears.
I only realised how I've made my parents proud today. The glow in their face when they introduced the ding dong to their old friends. They r impressed with ding dong composure, which makes me wonder why. Probably they are more impressed with the fact that ding dong is a Dental Surgeon to be. I'm proud of my future profession. But what I'm glad of is that I've made my parents proud. I will do better.
I strangled her from behind. A reflex when she said something to irritate me today. Suddenly, I felt things r back to normal. I feel happy. So all is not lost yet. She's still my brudder if I can simply continue to treat her as one. I tried and is still trying. Guess time is the best medicine for all heartaches. I hope time can heal my frd. He is still hurting.
More self-awareness I tell myself again. Ding dong seems to take over me whenever there is a big crowd. Its true that he can handles or perhaps even entertains big crowd better than I do. But many have seems too start taking me for granted becoz of all the foolish acts committed by ding dong. I have to stand out. But the crowd always seems to prefer ding dong. I dun entertain becoz I'm not a clown. But I'm more me. Try knowing me better than ding dong, My frds. Try showing more of myself, Stanley.
I hide becoz I have fears.
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