Compromised Friendship

Just read a frd blog. She is very angry i could tell. She was saying that someone was spreading bias one-sided stories abt her. I can't help but to think that could it be me that she have been referring to although I think I've not been spreading any stories. Becoz I know how things can really get twisted. And many have probed me on wat's happening between us. Probably, I spoke without thinking and might have said the wrong thing as usual. Or maybe I'm just paranoid or maybe its just becoz I still care. Though I always say I dun.

She is the one who showed me her cards on Christmas Eve. And we decided to be frds. But things r never the same again. Discomfort always set in when we try to converse. Slowly we stopped talking. Only yesternight when someone told me, then I realised that I did not even have lunch with her ever since school started. My EXCUSE was we r hanging ard different grp. But I know the truth is that I sub-concisiously have avoided sitting with her during class and lunch so that I will not experience the discomfort. Maybe I'm guilty for compromising the frdship. Sorry brudder.

I Pray....

On Wednesday morning I was told by a nice, sweet and fortunately, happily, blissfully (u get the idea) attached to this wonderful dude that she likes my blog. That really made my day. She asked me to leave my contacts on the blog so that ppl can contact me. Ppl as in gals. Then I realised that all I write about is about my emotions on issues of the hearts.

Maybe, I'm dying for a relationship or am I dying without one. I do not deny the fact that I'm craving for the forbidden fruit. Yet I still survived without it.. I see the sadness in my frd.. I am glad for him and the gal he declare his undying love to. For him, at least he truly feel for someone. For the gal, at least she truly had and perhaps still have his love for her. Such simple love is so true but maybe not wonderful. Though things may not work out. But at least they've tried. I wish someone can unlock my heart and make me do crazy things for her.

In 7 hrs time a frd mum and sister r going into an operating theater. The sister is going to donate 2/3 of her liver to the mum. I will pray for both of them. I'm very touched by this whole incident. Crises bring out the best and worst of ppl. I'm glad that I've seen the best. My frd who is all packed to fly to the States stayed for her mum. Her sister willingness to risk her life for their mum. And my all my classmates who contributed in one way or another to help. She may be no more than an accquaintance to many of them. My mesmerising frd once again mesmerised me. This time with her dad. He impressed me by his kindness for someone whom he has never met before. I've seen many pretty gals b4 but one that is so beautiful, so kind is so rare.

I kind of drifted i guessed. Anyways...

To all who r reading this.. Please pray for my frd, her mum and her sister.
God if u read this... Answer my pray.. for once its not about getting a gf.

I Live To LOVE!

Today is a perfect day. I skipped school to go back to my old school. Some things never change. Its still the same mass dances the same loud cheers and the same laughters. Just the those playing the roles have changed. Teachers are glad to see us (just me and the Eugene).

Had a fantastic chat with Eugene. All started with him saying he has no time for his task. We pondered what do we live for. If there isn't task to live for we might as well be dead. I think of what am I living for and come to realise something so simple yet so wonderful. For many ppl, when they think of what they wanna achieve in the future.. or so-called their dreams. Its always something impressive. Be someone impt, rich or famous. For me, I suddenly realised that I always think of how to be a filial son, good father and a loving husband. How to have a happy family life? I thought of how to show my kids I love them, and their mother. Giving them a hug every morning and a kiss every night. Never be afraid to show them how much they meant to me.

Eugene knows I'm a simple man.. Yet he said he is impressed with my dream and said my future wife and kids are very lucky. I'm flattered. So, I figured I'm a simple family orientated man. Some may find that ambitionless. Yet its the greatest ambition I have to live for. My task in this world is perhaps to love and be loved. I guess most who read this will not truly understand the beauty of my conversation with Eugene. Been a long time since we talk about something serious usually we talk cock. How I wished I could have recorded down this conversation. We always say the same thing at the same time and laugh loud together. We could almost read each other mind. Guess we are indeed great friends. Glad to have u man.

I Dare To Love

Just watch "Love Me If U Dare" this is what I call a good film. I can't resist my thoughts from running wild after watching it. Realised a lot more of the underlying statement of the film.

Story is simple.. Actions r drastics.. Throughout the whole film they did all sorts of dares. To the extent that many will find that they r sick. Yet they never dared to say a single "I LOVE U" to each other. Things would have ended up very different if they actually have dared to love. Perhaps the film is urging ppl to overcome their fear and dare to love. There are many other subtle issues such as the existence of platonic friendship, vengeful love, sad marriages where ur life partner is not even ur most loved one and how a love can intoxicates ur mind and makes u lose ur grip. Most impt of all I love the music.. In mood for love.

Well, perhaps the part on daring to love strikes me deeply. I feel that I've never feared to pursuit what I see as love. Yet the truth is I never know what is love. I have never experience intoxication. I craved for love like drugs that can drive me nuts. Who shd I dare? I dare not ask.

Question Me Not

A frd asked me if I like another frd. I was surprised. Details dun matter.. The key is she said she will support another frd if that day ever happened. I felt hurt and disappointed. Friendship is never equal. Same goes for life. Do I deserve not?

So is it another judgement day? My actions once again are being scruntizied and criticised.. Faith in simple frdship once again failed. Can I ever have a chance to be myself? Be who I wanna be? Like whoever I like? Without anyone telling me wat's right and wats wrong. Never perhaps. Long I have realised that I dun live in a world of my own. The least I asked for is those I call friends to accept me for whoever I am. Perhaps, I dun deserve..

Judging ain't all bad. I realised what i have done. Self awareness i need.. I meant no harm or evil. I'm just being me. Honesty I need to hide. Coz reality is bites and truth hurts. Truthful I shall for the last time, just to the question. I do not have the answer. But I guess it dun matter honestly.

I Love To Live

I had a dream or shd it be called as nightmare 2 nights ago. In my dream, i was murdered and crucified. I saw my body being mutilated.. can't see my 2 assailants, but vaguely I saw a gal crying for me. I feel so much pain that I woke up in my dream and was back to 7 years old days. Suddenly, I thought that I've been in a game of life.. game is over when i died. I always have this strange idea that I fell asleep one day when i was 7 yr old and never wake up so I've been living in a dream for all these years.. perhaps when I die I will wake up and be back in the days when i was 7 yr old..

Anyways last night I had another dream.. The same gal who cried for my death the night before appeared again. I kissed her cheek and felt so much love for her and her love for me. I dreamt of my wedding again.. the setting is exactly the same as the last wedding dream except I got to kiss my bride this time.. Though I can't see her face but i feel that i have really know her..

Just went for a wake today.. A close frd mum passed away. I was sad yet was glad. Sad for my frd. Glad that all of them came.. I once again have faith for friendship. Yet once again I realised that I got to treasure those around me b4 its too late to.. I looked at my folks last night and felt that they have really aged. I know the day I feared most will come I really wanna finish up with my studies and really start taking care of my parents.. Its about time for me to take over.. Dad has worked really hard.. Was telling my mum about it that I can't wait to take care of them. I could see that she is beaming with joy.. I LOVE U mum and dad, I said.. They simply smiled but I know they r proud of me. I will do u both proud.

Coming To Terms

Distraction from the problem is gone.. Face the issue I should. Coming to terms with reality is never easy. I am ding dong that is the truth. Its time to move on I tell myself. The question is to where... What do I want? I do not know perhaps.

I know that I tend to like a person a little to easily. So easily that I have no idea what is like and what is not. For I may ended up liking a gal today that I never think I will like yesterday. A tall pretty frd said gals prefer guys who r more faithful. But who I'm I supposed to be faithful to? Perhaps I was too hurt.. I've learnt not to put too much feelings into any relationship. Weak emotional attachment is the reason why I am able to move on from one failed attempt to another. Yet this is called unfaithful (hua xin).. I'm just trying to protect myself.. Shd I change or shd I not?

Perhaps I shd just try not to like anyone at all.. Until the feeling gets stronger. Mugger King is now my name. Yet many will not understand why.. its my best distraction from matters of the heart. I'm a workaholic perhaps. Sigh.. Women. U can't live with them; U can't live without them! Nice pretty frd says life is simple, keep it that way. But I think life shd be as simple as possible not simpler.

Thank and Reflect (2 in 1)

As promised.. this entry is delicated to a nice, pretty and smart friend of mine... A very good catch indeed.. figured that many have started fishing for this beautiful mermaid already..

Basically, I'm supposed to say thank again.. owe her a BIG favour this time.. The story goes such that... I had to attend a wine dinner tonight and I needed a date. I was supposed to end up going alone simply becoz I'm so unwanted that no gal is willing to go on a date with me.. Anyways this frd being really nice decided to accompany me.. So basically just wanna say thanks... I really do appreciate ur help.. Hope that u r not too bored.. (know u were..) And by the way, U r extremely mesmerizing tonight.. actually i did notice ur perfume..

Time to reflect my doings or undoings I guess. Been told more than many times "I treat u like a brother, or worse a sister". What have I done to give the gals such an impression? Time to change perhaps. Platonic Friendship never last.. That I believe in. Reason : U will only grow close to those u r comfortable with and probably will end up liking.. Yet why must it always have to be me? I must indeed have faith.. Faith that is not always wavering.. Send someone to love me GOD!

Too Much... Really Too Much...

Library is officially my 2nd home... Spent an average of 4hrs there.. And ard 5hr sleeping in my room (I sleep in library too).. Either I am pushing myself too hard.. Or perhaps I am doing a very good job to distract myself from something.. a little too much I guess... I've been hit by a spell of sadness... I read she's having a rough patch.. Offer help i would, she won't accept i know.. not now at least.. Only matters of the heart can throw me off my gladness..

Anyways, thru work I realised I have indeed made a good friend.. Perhaps I should stop exploiting her, her cdplayer and her notes.. erm... I even brought her notes home.. Should start to treat my friend a little nicer I guess.. Yet i've forgotten how to be nice to ppl.. usually ding dong does all the socialising.. too much I guess.. I believed that friend of mine read what I write.. Thanks.. though I've said 47 times in more ways than one and written twice for the past 4 days.. more to come definitely..

Not much of thoughts these days.. Biochem filled mind.. too much really too much..

Friend?? Acquaintance perhaps...

"Happy New Year Frd"I msged on ICQ
"Hey why did u mentioned the bastard name when I called u the other day!!!"
A Frd shouted at me though its on ICQ.

We continued this conversation for at least 15 min.. I guess the content dun matter.

He is upset becoz when he called the other day I could not recognise the voice and thought its another guy who he hated to the core. Well, probably that pissed him off.. but does it make sense for him to screw me instead? I wonder.. still wondering...

But still I'm in too glad a mood to be affected.. Although there r frds(or so they claimed) treated me this way.. I'm glad to know that many will not.. Anyways sorry frd that i could not recognise ur voice. But trust me I'm worse at remembering name.. Was talking to this frd from the hall.. yet i could not remember her name at the end of the conversation.. Still feeling quite bad.. Owe her an apology I guess.. maybe I'm a lousy acquaintance.