Reported Speech

Well, its Sunday nite. And once again I am suffering from Pre-school blue sydrome. I, as usual have tonnes of things to do. Yet, I am not doing. Read a dozen books prepare for clinics tomolo, etc etc. But I just ended up stoning in front of my comp. Reading blogs (mostly un-updated), probably most ppl are too busy with their life to blog.

Anyways, nothing much to say, just glad that I have a well spent and rested weekend.

Friday, went to a dinner at the alumini house at SGH. Turned out to be quite different from what i expected. At 1st i thought its gonna be very restrictive etc etc of a formal function, but turned out to be just eating with some super duper old doctors. Seems like everybody knows everybody. Anyways, the gist of it is that, its a greying alumini, most of them are old, very few young blood. It does seems to me that they are a bunch of very onz ppl when they were younger I guess. They are forever mentioning about the spirit of the alumini, which i think i understand. Something like I saying about class spirit, yet getting no response. dejectful it is indeed. Ppl these days r too individualistic. Nothing wrong, but perhaps we are missing out too much.

Saturday, packed my day with Lulin. had our Mac's, swam, shopped, just missed out kite flying, the layang queen cant wait to fly kite, so maybe tuesday if there is no rain.

Today, basically slack, too lazy to read, only did my wax-up, not v.nice, but can la..

Blog has now reduced to a reported speech station, thanks Singapore.

Food Poisoned Me, Mind Intoxicated Me.

I should either be sleeping or studying now. I can't sleep coz I've slept too much through out the whole of today and yesterday. I can't study becoz the medication i took just cause too much drowsiness that I am getting dbl vision while reading the notes.

Anyways, today is the 1st time ever that I have taken a sick leave since I started clinics from end of Year 2. And its the 1st time that I've gotten food poisoning. Till now I still have no idea of what have caused it. But it doesnt really matter.

I have just a lot of frustrations in me. So much things to do, so much things to manage, I just wanna give up. I am not moving on in clinics, though I must say that every session is a session learnt. Learning from mistakes is not a good experience, feels like crap everytime that happened.

Wedding Bells

Today, I attended Wei Hon and Lynn Hwee church wedding.

Its my very first friends' wedding. I must say that it is really quite nice to have a church wedding. The only problem is that I think I might fall asleep while the pastor is doing all the readings and I am no christian.

Anyways, I just had some baileys from the left over from last Friday after the wire bending session. Feeling rather philosophical. The big question I have is what is wedding?

Is it a formality, convention, contract, affirmation or izzit just scary.

As the wedding proceeds today, I can't help but to think, will I end up there in Wei Hon's shoes in less than 10 years time. Nahz... I have just confirmed I have marriage phobia. But that's not the discussion for today. Why must wedding involve so many ppl? Why must there be a wedding ceremony. If 2 persons are really meant for each other why still need a wedding?

Okay I'm getting rather incoherent. Alcohol is not good. To be continue... Cant really think now...

Dreams & Reality

Talking to JR while helping (more of itchy fingers) her to do some work. Turned out to worse I guess. Somehow the conversation diverted towards my future career as a prothodontist. Its funny how she could have more faith than myself to think that I gonna end up becoming a prosthodontist. Flattered I must say I am. Yet, I know myself better to pass a fairer judgement: I am just not good enough.

As much as I wish to become a prosthodontist. I understand that there is something I lacked. My eyes are not sharp, as far as I could see. Accuracy I dun possess. Good hands I lacked. Aesthetics is more of gut feeling than a matter of factly thingy to me. Perhaps with more training I could become better, yet the cruel truth is that hardwork and effort can only bring you thus far. There is something more that is required, something I lacked.

Passion I possess, sadly not the flair. Something that will distinguish a good dentist from the very best. As hard as I can try, talent is born not trained, something I have come to terms with. All I could do is to read more into this field and with more knowledge I wish I can understand better. Yet, knowledge is not the key.

Perhaps, I am being too harsh on myelf. However, I feel that I'm just being absolutely honest with myself. Still I will hold this dream close to my heart. I'll work my way towards it with each and everyday.

Just wanna thanks JR.

I'm Back In Body, Not Heart

I am just too lazy, there is a thousand a 1 thing that i shd do but i still did not. A very good example is to find a new back ground for my blog since the pics are no longer in existence. Well.. I'm too lazy. Thats just a good excuse to use.

Anyways, I love being back home, I love my bed, my room, my com and of course the only reason I have decided to come back and not hide somewhere in US so that I can stay there forever is the ppl that I love.

Still in my dream world, wondering if the next time i go back, I'll be going back for my post-grad studies, I certainly hope so. 2 more days b4 school starts. there are so many things at hand to settle. Finding patients, studying for tests, and etc etc, tonnes of labwork waiting for me to do.. Well, we just have to takes each thing at a time i figured. no point thinking of all the labwork to be done when i am comfortable at home right. let me worry abt it when i step into Lab 4.

I do not fear school, not anymore I hope, I gonna do things at my own pace and style, I hope.
Damn, the flu medicine is making me drowsy again. maybe I shd go sleep some more.

Posting from LA

Well.. for all those who thought that the blog is officially down, sorry to disappoint you folks coz I'm back to complain.

Still about school.

I realised how ignorant i was when i was back in Singapore. All that was on my mind is to complete schedules, mug hard and get pissed when some stuffs screwed up. Things dun need to be like this. The students in Loma Linda are so relaxed. Not that they are slack, just that they know what they have to do, and they know that making mistakes is part of learning. Not afraid to question what has been taught to them by the Professors, to challenge them in thoughts and still be friends at the end of the day.

I guess its the ppl that makes our system so stressful, if everyone can adopt the same mentality and work together and learn together. The professors must also change i believe, i can never imagine having dinner, drinking booze, talking about implants (silicon not titanium) with a professor until i did it the other day.

Well.. more on the trip..
Not i can say except its great. I hope everyone who went for exchange had the same great experience we had. driving ard and getting lost is all part of the fun. mountains drives, in fact its somewhat like inital D, if we slipped, we'll go 6000 feet down into the valleys.

Driving into the desert towards a oasis seeing the most no of stars in my life. and so far 3 out of 4 of us has caught a shooting star. Clems still waiting for his.

Childhood dream fulfiled, I finally went to Disneyland, not HK not Japan but the very authentic Disneyland in LA. Universal Studio is next up on our list.

The beach is definitely one of the best in the world, clean smooth sand, that stretch beyond sight. The most impt part of it is, I swam in the Pacific Ocean. Damn cold but damn shiok.

We had a lot more fun during the trip of course there are quarrels but i'm glad we can iron things out. whats frds without fights. still have 6 more days in this wonderful place, I've almost decided to set my goal to come back her for my post grad. Although it is really tough and competitive, but if i've never tried I'll never know.

For now i hope i can enjoy the rest of my dental school and learn as much as i could and change my way too ideal mindset that i dun allow any failures. I'll fail and I'll learn. I'll be there.

Eugene's Cocktails

Well, thats exactly how I'm feeling right now.

For those who went for the boat party that Wenyi aka Fabian bka Rex, Eugene's cocktails are simply mixes of anything that he can grab hold of within the bar counter. So its basically quite a mess. Anyways before I commence on the angish I feel within me, the great party last night I definitely must mention.

Well, if i have to say, its really nice to go on a boat and have party, at 1st I felt I'm gonna be part of the posers. But things indeed turn out really different. Darren is the host of this party, had a few words with him, and turned out he's also a frd of Terry's. Well Singapore aint that big I figured. I guess a after a few drinks ppl tend to open up and striking a conversations becomes a rather natural thing. Well, its hard for someone who claimed to be anti-social to go saying hi to everyone i met. Anyways, we all had fun. That's what is important.

I must say that I really did enjoy seeing all the stars with lulin at the top deck of the boat. Its really nice, especially with the wind in the face. Could be better if its just 2 of us though. Anyways, on the way back we just stayed at the bar counter and the 1/2 drunk Eugene took over as the bartender and thats when all the funny stuffs starts coming. Well, drunks r funny ppl, they do all sorts of funny things. Wayne even did the drunken fists. But he has always been a comedian. So at the end of the days, we have 2 drunk guys, luckily I still have Wenyi to help me to send them back. Its nice that for once I'm not the one who is drunk :P.

Okay... so much for the party. Well, today I officially got my car. Not mine exactly coz i didnt pay for it, rather its my parents'. But the funny things is that I'm not as thrilled as i expected myself to be. Perhaps, the finance part has been bugging me since we decided to get the car. I mean, I'm not even earning and I'm spending so much.. Kind of like a bai jia zi. So I guess, my only pay back is to study damn hard for this 2 years to make sure i get out of school.

Yupz, school is gonna start in like another 7 hrs, and the 1st welcome gift we've got is a FP test. Personally, I dun see much of a theory to study, I mean if u had understood the reasons for the procedures, probably u got it. Its really something like common sense, and they gonna test us on that. Oh well, which other way can they access our understanding. So i'm cool with it.

But the bad news I just received totally puts me off. I dun see how making life of others difficult can make ur own life better. Although I'm not involved in this matter. But I'm really quite angry over this whole matter. Damn the system.

That's why I'm like Eugene's cocktails now. Anger, Happiness, Tired, Excited, Dull, Enjoyed. Basically, I am nonsensical. Well at least I'm not drunk.

For Fun

Your dating personality profile: Outgoing - You can liven up any party. You've got a way with people and have little difficulty charming your dates. Athletic - Physical fitness is one of your priorities. You find the time to work athletic pursuits into your schedule. You enjoy being active. Practical - You are a down-to-earth individual who is not impressed with material excess. You care about the stuff of like that really matters.

Your date match profile: Athletic - You aren't looking for a couch potato. You seek someone who is active and who keeps her body in top shape. Sensual - You aren't looking for someone who is sexually repressed. You want someone who is adventurous under the covers. Practical - You are drawn to people who are sensible and smart. Flashy, materialistic people turn you off. You appreciate the simpler side of living.

Your Top Ten Traits 1. Outgoing 2. Athletic 3. Practical 4. Adventurous 5. Sensual 6. Wealthy/Ambitious 7. Stylish 8. Conservative 9. Traditional 10. Intellectual

Your Top Ten Match Traits 1. Athletic 2. Sensual 3. Practical 4. Conservative 5. Wealthy/Ambitious 6. Traditional 7. Funny 8. Stylish 9. Adventurous 10. Outgoing

Take the Online Dating Profile Quiz at Dating Diversions

Break Report

Alright, I'm 1/2 way through my very short break. Few things have happened since the last day of school. Pretty much enjoying this god's send break. Give a a bit of time to catch my breathe and of course to settle some loose ends. Well, as always my hols will never be peaceful without school. Got 4 tests coming, 1 reseach essay to write and patient plannings to do for next term. But I'm not complaining. At least I have time to do them this time round.

Missed out the JC outing last Saturday, quite a pity i guess, coz many have turned up. I always like to meet old frds, well, its always nice to see that everyone is doing well. Though i didnt go, still i found out for Eugene that everyone is doing great, so its cool.

Tomorrow is Lulin's driving test. Hope that she can passed it the first time. Dun end up like me have to try 3 times. Think she put in quite a lot of effort and of course $$ into it. Good luck gal.

The End Of The Beginning

This is official. I am free. Oh well not really coz we got some silly assignment to do regarding Perio-Prostho inter-relationship and 3 silly tests after the 3 weeks hols. I guess I ain't the only one blogging tonight. Most dental students are thrilled that they are getting this god's sent hols though its just a short 3 weeks.

Anyways this vacation term (oxymoron i would say) has eventually ended in a good note. Thanks to many ppl who has helped me. I managed to finish almost all of my F/F technique just the very last 2 signatures. Thanks to Lulin who have finished her work like thousand years ago to tell me what are the procedures which save me time from refering to the manual. Still must thank Mrs Au although she refused to sign the last 2 signatures still she has been really lenient towards my work, well, i must say i did most of them in a rush and probably I could have done a much better job.

FP ended with my cast mounted though not as good as i wanted it to be, but its luckily it a study model. Still Prosthodontist shd strive for perfection. Although today I have made a compromise, I issused my uncle his transitional denture which I thought is seriously aesthetically underachieved. I believed it could definitely have been better find the resin was cured and the teeth didnt shifted. and of course if the colour of the resin isnt so albinoish. At least I know whats wrong with my denture. Though my uncle is more than happy to be able to start smiling. Well, its always the patient who drive the aesthetics I guess, whats perfect for me may not be required for him. Well, luckily its just a transitional denture, gonna make a better one next time.

Though today is supposed to be a happy day still, I am irked by one of the technician. names will not be mentioned, all i could say is when ppl bare their teeth, u realised what everyone says doesnt matter anymore.

Still Happy Holidays

Anterior Arch Teeth Setup

Apparently I shouldn't be here, becoz tonite i shd be studying my head off for my test tomolo. Well, guess what, I ain't 1/2 as worried about the test tomolo than the way i was worried how I'm gonna screwed in clinics today. Coz the Doctor in-charge for my RP session today is Dr Thean. Not that she is fierce, just that the way she make comments about me always makes me feel so lousy of myself. And whats worse, her comments are 90% of the time correct. Well, that just makes me feel like an idiot.

But something good always come out of it I guess, I've learnt how to set teeth in a narrow anterior arch to a pretty good aesthetic, definitely much better than the one i setted at 1st. I believe there is always things to learn from the doctors. Be it through the hard or easy way, as long I learnt something out of each session, its a session gained.

I believe this kind of learning attitude will bring me nearer to my eventual goal, than to achieve my credits aimlessly. Prosthodontics there is more than it meets the eye.

Complaining Site

Well.. my blog have been labelled. When I met up with my JC friends they kind of joke about it. Saying that this blog is rather depressive etc etc... Oh well, perhaps they have known me long enuff to know that I'm a negative person. But what they dun realised is that I do have a great life, I meant who bitch about having a good life. Everyone will choose to complain about all the bad stuffs that happened to their life or perhaps its just me.

Whatever the case, this blog will still remain as my complaining site. As usual, what else irritates me besides school. But thinking of how this school can bring me closer to my long term aspirations, i can take things better i presumed. Like what Dr Chan have said, I'm not here to burst bubbles or to bend wires, they are just pure obstacles that I got to get around so at the end of the day I could get my BDS, and that will just gonna be the beginning.

Many who know me think I am shallow and loud. Or at least that's what they made me feel how they thought of me. But I'm here for my own dream, my goal. I've got to stop wasting my time. I'm almost 23, like jon will put it, in 2 years time I'll be a quarter of a century old. Its about time, in fact slightly late, that I got to something about my life.

I'm Losing It

I am dying. Everyday I struggled through the day, thankfully days pass by really fast when u r not in lectures. One great thing about school now is that we have really few lectures. However the sad part is that I am not performing, not just Dr Thean mentioned it, personally I also felt it that way. I am doing things mindlessly, which shd never be the case. Spending 1 whole day of RP lab session not achieving anything done, and the worst part is I did all the mounting the wrong way until Shafiq corrected me. Clinics, I am just slow, and I am killing myself by seeing so many patients. By Monday, I will have a total of 9 active patients, plus 2 reviews that I have not seen and 1 F/F case which I will only start after finishing my technique work (which I am screwing up presently).

I still stick to seeing only 1 patient for each session. I just can't see what can I do for my patients if I were to split my session into 1/2, probably I'll ended up achieving nothing. Perhaps, I will be slower to start, but at least once I've cleared all these E&D I'll have most of my requirements covered (provided I dun screwed up). But still exam cases remained undecided. Guess I'll just take photo for any potentials that come along the way.

I think I am getting very irritatable. Perhaps many feels that I am becoming very irritating, which ever is the case, I think I'll just be myself. I'm sorry if I stepped on anyone's toes. Perhaps, its better to just to do things in my own and heck the rest of the world. Lab 4 have become a much less friendlier place, in fact, I have some fear of people around me. Whatever the case, I guess its better to be lonelier now, and try to make less comments just not to offend ppl unintentionally. Shut up man, I should have. Hopefully, I'll still have friends by 2007.

Weekend Never Felt Better

Well, ever since school started 2 weeks ago, my 8-5 schedule has extended to 8-7.. Haiz so by the time i got home its always around 10. So practically i can't do anything but to shower and sleep. I'll be to tired to do anything also except to call lulin or become brudder. But still this special term is really quite tiring for me. Its already so hard to juggle between labwork and studies, then they throw u another ball: clinics. Trust me clinics is the most stressful.

Anyways, i guess its a whole new game all together. The more frustrating thing about school is the messy lab that we are stuck in. Suddenly, I appreciate the way Mrs Au scream at us, and chasing us out of the lab. I miss Lab 2. Still I'm glad to be up here, its one more step towards my BDS. I really look forward to graduation. But a different stress may come in by then. Tomorrow is my crown competency test, hopefully i dun slip, then i can start doing crowns yeah. I would love to be a prosthodonist, but its hard I know.

One thing that I have to keep in mind is: Patient First. Though there r always requirements to meet, but i shd never at any point because of attaining requirements and do lousy work. Idealist at heart but still i should take note of my schedule.

Upset

I am plain upset now.
Nothing more to say.
Just wanna find someone to talk to.
Only to realise that I am all alone.

School Sux but Life is worse.

2nd Holiday Entry

Going into 2nd week of the hols. I guess, I've been playing too much, in fact way too much DOTA. So holiday resolution will be cutting down on playing time. Went to the beach with Lulin today. Long time never go ECP and sit down and relax. This is the moment I treasure most, just feeling completely comfortable with her, no stress, no exams, just sea breeze and each other. These are the small little things that I love to do.

Anyways, the class outing are just so aint gonna happened, I figured that u can never satisfy everyone. So i figured the best way will be not to care. I mean if I have to start begging ppl to come down to just have a meal, its quite a stupid thing to do I figured. Perhaps everyone are just so sick of each other that holiday is a good chance to avoid one another. Although I may say all that, I would still really like to have a outing with everyone. That's the way I am I figured long ago. I love gatherings. Well, just sent a mail to ask the class out for a Sakae Sushi Buffet. I decided to just choose the time place and what to eat, so everyone can just decide for themselves whether to come or not to come.

Will see on Wednesday how things turn out. Now I just wanna sleep.

1st Holiday Entry

Its almost a week into my hols.. But I'm living as if I'm still having exams, in a sense that I still sleep very little. Well, I guess too much dota is really bad for health, suffering from perpectuate sore throat and sinusitis. Need more sleep.

Well, today is another day to rest at home and Lulin is coming over then maybe later we can go buy some stuff and cook dinner together. I must say that its some of the things i enjoy. I guess every night of Dota playing has sort of neglected her, feel a bit bad about it, perhaps its time to cut that down.

Anyways amongst the stuffs that we wanna do after hols, I have only done around 1/2 of it. Still have suntanning, movies, nice dinner, kite flying and a few others. Actually I'm quite keen of going to the wild wild wet.. But I think i will be super broke by tomorrow after chionging sim lim square with dennis, jon and bran.

For now I shall go surf for a nice recipe for dinner while I wait for Lulin to come. I really love her a lot, just that I'm not a very romantic person, dun really know how to show it I guess. Looking forward to see her although we met almost everyday. I'm so sorry that I am not that good in expressing myself, well at least u can get entertained with my lousy english(btw lulin is my english tutor). This year she is turning 21 yr old, shd start saving up for her nice nice present after I spent all my savings tomolo. That will means more chicken rice for lunch in a week.

Anyways, I really hope that this hols will last longer, but I can already see school coming back to haunt me already. I will be a clinical student in 3 more weeks time. Lets hope everything goes well, and I can get out of school in 2 more years time. I love clinics but not the stress of competitions.

A Week From Freedom

Well, technically speaking next friday is still not exactly the end of the exams coz we still have a Pathology Practical on Monday. Yet I'm quite sure that by next friday I will be playing lotsa Dota, maybe soccer and yes breathe the air of freedom.

Anyways, I guess I just have poor attention span, havent been able to get back the momentum I had last time(long long time ago), and I am now just hoping that I can get thru this exam smoothly, no more high high expectations.

Today, I've got a sms from my email-pal. Well, its quite a pleasant surprise to me, coz we havent been in touch for a really really long long time. Perhaps, its once again my fault that I placed so much emphasis on issues close to myself and stop reaching out to others. Maybe that how dental students ended up with a super small social circle (just within dentistry). I must say that its nice of her to remember that I'm having exams around this time, coz I think even my close friends won't remember unless I've complaint to them about it. Well, this is the kind of thing that may seems to meant nothing yet felt priceless to me. By just remembering.

Anyways, I better get going to mug. But I feel that I'm suffering from Dota withdrawn sydrome after that wonderful game in the library. And seeing the new V6.00, can't resist the temptations to play. Tomolo will be the very 1st official Victorians' Day. So I'm giving up a day of mugging for that. Well, I'm a traditional man I guess. Ying2 Shui3 Si1 Yuan2. I love going back to my old schools and pay my teachers a visit. And its a good chance for old friends to meet up also.

Stressed Yet Indifferent

Well, I remembered very clearly. This time last year I was super stressed, I practically study everyday, hour, minute and second (or i think i tried to). And every second that I did not mug, I will feel its a second lost. What's worse is that I will keep thinking that the whole world is mugging like mad. Its some sort of kiasuism.

Yet, this year its different. By this time, I already know that its impossible for me to finish studying every single piece of notes, so I am not touching all my nice nice text book for good. What's worse is I still can't get my supposedly engine started. I guess I have to pay for the price for being so slack this year. I've stopped studying to my fullest potential, perhaps thats explains all the Cs that I have been getting. Well, slight disappointment I must say, its a bit like fallen from grace. Yet I have to admit that I do deserve it.

Well, I dun ask for much this time, just hope that after every paper I won't feel any guilt. Hopefully, I've worked to by best with my current state of mind. Age Quod Ageis was the motto of my school. Hopefully I still keep up to it.

Some thoughts just keep flashing into my mind about how did we landed up like this. Like this refer to us being so competitive. Something Prof Chew mentioned did linger. He said that we are so kiasu because we are all the high fliers, we are so used to compete and outdoing everyone. That's why when you put all of us together we fight like nobody business. We wanna ace in exams, we wanna finish lab work the fastest and we wanna start seeing patients 1st. So hang on, if everyone wanna be 1st, then who's gonna be last? On second thought perhaps we all just dun wanna be last.

Which category does u fall into: Wanna be 1st or dun wanna be last? Really, it doesnt matter. To each his own I guess. I can lament on the fact the whole world mug like mad. But who is to blame when I decided to slack and let my grades fall. Still myself eventually. Anyways, when u can't change how the world goes, the least u could do is to understand. With understanding you will perhaps know why. This will be more important than getting into viva. Coz you will be accept the way others and yourself act. Prediction of outcome will come as a secondary bonus.

Lotsa funny thoughts in my mind now. Just thinking that if i can foresee that by putting in 45% effort to study can get one through the exam with merely passing grades, will the person simply put in 45% or will he do more.(Assuming everyone would like to pass) If more then how much more. Just a thought that dun really make sense unless u are me.

Anyways, I've realised that I'm different.

I cannot blog at home

So this is done in school.. My laptop is so screwed that I really wish I could have a new one. haiz.. wat to do. Anyways my main priority is to mug now. Gtg byebye.

Mindless Entry

I dunno wat's going on with me. I think I am in a state of denial. I dun wanna to know the truth. I dun wanna know wat's going on. All I know is that I am upset and I am sad. I can't be bothered to care about other ppl anymore. Not even their feelings. I screamed at my dad, my mum, my sis and my gal. I guess thats pure evil. I spreading my unhappiness to everyone around me. Basically I think they all still care for me. But I just want more concern from everyone who I thought should love me.

Stress from exams, stress from classmates, stress from family and stress from my gal. Perhaps, I'm just weak, I just wanna get through all these without doing anything, as I'm too lazy to. Some stuffs I realised I really cannot handle, cannot decide cannot forsee how its going to be. Yet, I'm forced to handle, to decide and of course to foresee how things will end. Maybe I should face things off one at a time. With my exams as the top priority for now I guess.

I really need to get through this hurdle again, and I know it will be with much difficulties. I can't get myself to focus with so much things on my mind. I just hope that for the time being nothing else will bug me and let me be a mugging machine like many others. But thats just daydream. Life is about multitasking. I can't just settle stuffs one at a time and ignore the rest totally. Coz problems are just not like homework. Problems can get out of your control, by the time u get back to them its probably too late.

I hate growing up to be the person I am supposed to be. I am supposed to be smart since I am in Uni. I am supposed to be rich since I am in dentistry and dentisit are rich, although there are some I know that barely made ends meet. I am supposed to stay with my parents even if I were to get married since I am the only son. I am supposed to be so many things that I forgot who am I really supposed to be.

I dun hate my life. I fact I think I have a great life. Its just that its hard to make decisions and the whole world is pushing you to. How I wish I can be back to the days that all I need to decide is what I want to eat in my tuckshop.

Yet, with as much maturity that I have acquired for the past years. Running away cannot resolve problems. Face them and bear the responsibilities, the consequences. With no regrets, with no shame, with no guilt. At most it hurts. Well, get hurt more then I will get use to it, then perhaps it doesnt hurt anymore.

All said and done. Try to study is still the top task on the list. Free my mind from worries and not let it wander. For the ability to control the mind is the greatest of all strengths. Emotions be second perhaps.

Life is great. But can should be better.

By the way Happy Chinese New Year

2 Hour Lecture

The super long conversation, more of a lecture from Dr Peter Tay and Dr ?? (the one who sell Aston Martin) and Dr Dominic Leong(actually he's quite a funny guy) was rather confusing for a mind of mine. Well, I guess they just wanna share their views of life and experiences with youngsters like us. But I can't help but to feel overwhelmed. Still, I must thank them, for I've definitely learnt a thing or two that night.

Definitely there are things to learn from them, they have spoken from what they went through. But somehow, my dream in life seems to defer significantly from them. Not that I dun love money, not that I dun love nice cars. Just not enough I guess. Of course, I've dreams. Like they have said, we all should have dreams, goals that will make us work towards them. Just that in my case, they dun come in cold hard cash form.

I remembered a conversation in parkway BK long long time ago with Eugene. I wished to have a happy life. Happy family, happy job and sufficient cash such that I have no qualms on spending, able to help ppl like going on mission trips which I will be going for in April. I've never dreamt of a mansion with numerous cars, driving range and tennis courts. Of course, it will be nice to own them, but the truth is that I dun really yearn for them. Definitely not enough to make me work hard for them.

Anyways back to the lecture last night, I guess there are these that are still applicable to myself. Somethings do left a deep impression. The gist of it was:

1.) In a partnership, always be more unfair to yourself and with a partner of the same mindset then the partnership will work. Perhaps, i have to be nicer to Clement =P.
2.) Never try to skive, and get the easy way out.
3.) Get use to the habit of working hard, then you won't find hardship difficult anymore.
4.) Punctuality reflects ur reponsibility (something I have a problem with)
5.) Cornea is 600 micron thick/thin. (Funny that he can remember all the figures)

Of course there are many more stuffs which I can't remember. My point is that I still find their advices applicable towards my dream. And something they mention has hit right on the nail. Many of us dunno how to start working towards our dreams. Well, I guess, the very 1st on the list is to get over my incoming tests and exams.

Anyways, just wanna thanks Prof Chew for being such a nice mentor, for inviting us for dinners and buying us stuffs. We should buy him a meal someday. But quite funny to ask him out for dinner I guess.

What Is Courage?

This is not going to be some silly GP questions from 'A' Levels. Its just a question I've asked myself. What was the most courageous thing I've ever done? I was ashamed. After watching a documentary on Ch 8 about congenitally disabled children and their courage to overcome such great difficulties and become such strong souls. Many of them led a hard life, but with what God has left them they made the best out of what they are blessed with not damned without. Finally, I realised that was true courage.

Perhaps, many could easily come out with something like this. But this is from my heart. I am so fortunate amongst so many. Suddenly, tests and exams seems so small an obstacle to overcome. Yet, when we are in it we thought that was suffering. The truth is we do not know whats true suffering. With my abled body and sane mind, i should strived to live a much fuller life. Be a better person, and learn to appreciate things around me better. Learn to love others more. Coz no one deserved less than another.

Ashamed of having such a short fuse, an irresponsible tongue and many flaws like selfishness, self-centred-ness. Let me have the courage to renew my ways. More grace from heart and none of hypocrisy. Yet, I am mortal. I guess, its all talk. I hope its not.

"No hardship, is real hardship. Unless contruced to be."

Thank You For The Test

Okay, once again I overslept. For the sake of not skipping the 1st radiology lecture of the term. I decided to take a cab which I spent $20.60 on. Well, so unluckily, I bumped into my menace: A/P Loh Fun Chee on my way into class. Simply becoz I went to SM 1A where the lesson is supposed to be at SM 1B. Well, it just so happened that he also made the same mistake of thinking the lesson is held at SM 1A. Just my luck I guess.

I started of greeting him and Dr Ong good morning which I thought was a polite gesture. However, the conversation follow led my my own insult.

"How many of them are in class already?"
"Sorry Prof, I just arrived so I dunno who's there already."
"Did you pass ur radio test?"
"No Prof, I failed."
"And you still dare to come late for lesson."
"Sorry, Prof I already took a cab and came as fast as I could and I was caught in a jam...."
He ignored me. And turned to talk to Dr Ong.

I can't control my rage. I was totally mad. He who I supposed had failed me on purpose had to stab on my wound once again. And I seriously dun see any relationship between me failing a test and coming on time for lesson, moreover I really did my best to come on time. Given any other lessons I probably would have taken my own time and not waste my money on cab fare. Perhaps, I was in a foul mood for oversleeping again.

But I can't help but to feel that he is indeed prejudiced towards me. I really dunno what went wrong? Why on earth does he have to pick on me? Which toe of his did I stepped on? I admit I am not the most attentive student, I am also not the most well-behaved one. But I'm sure I'm definitely not the incompetent one. I am not awed by his knowledge of radiology which I believed simply come from experience. Perhaps, that has hurt his priced ego. Does he, based on his hatred for me, have to do such actions towards me. He as a Prof, a teacher, has such a narrow-mind, petty heart. He has totally lost the last bit of respect I have for him.

On the other hand, my control for my temper was really bad. Return grace, return kindness for evil. I've failed this test God has placed before me. I'm ashamed. Give me strength to carry on. Come what may. The next radiology test is next week, I already know the results already after happened today.

Sorry to those who suffered from the spilled over of my anger. Especially Lulin who has to listen to all my explosive words. Those who had to endure my black face. Those who disagreed with my doings. Those who think I'm the one at fault. Those who think I'm a sore loser. Sorry for making anyone uncomortable. Still I guess, sorry no cure.

Well, its a good test to see who will stand by your side and firmly have faith in your capability. From beginning to end, Lulin has no doubt in me that I should have no problem passing the test only that she disagreed that I behaved so unruly (Well, she's right I shdn't have). Whereas some think that LFC wouldnt have purposely failed me. Its not hard to see who have failed me and who have not. All in their eyes not in their words. Perhaps that adds to my disappointment. But there is nothing more I should expect of them for knowing less than 2 years. At least when I told my family of what happened, I felt comforted. They without a doubt believed that I was unfairly graded. Without knowledge of whether I am good anot. Only through faith and confidence they have in me. I swear for their sake, I will not let them down. I will be a competent clinician.

Perhaps, Eugene is going to give me a earful when he get to hear this, As usual he is going to be right. But I hope he has faith in my competency, though he has never seen my work. Well, at least its weekend. Life goes on. Thanks for the test God. I've failed, but I've learnt more than anyone could have realised.

Old Friends

Today, I bumped into quite a few old friends in school. Well its not that great a surprise coz they are all med students. Saw Jianye in the morning while i was getting breakfast. Well, I said hi to him, but somehow he dun seems interested in engaging any conversation. Oh well, perhaps morning ain't good for conversations. But its just weird that all he could say is "how sad" to me.

"Ur School started today also?"
"No. My School Started Last Week."
"How Sad"
"Its alright"
"U graduating this year?"
"No I'm not graduating this year, I served NS remember."
"How Sad"
"Its alright"

Well, I must say that I was rather uninterested to continue. Nothing much I could say I guess. Except its alright. So I just got my stuff, pat his back and off I went for my clinics.

Met Wendy and Pinakin during lunch. Well, I must say I was delighted to see them. But somehow, we had nothing more than new year greetings and a hi-bye situation as well. Strangely how I behaved towards such good friends. Maybe, its the same thing again, I've missed out too much of their life and they have missed out too much of mine. I can't say anything except wassup. I dun even know anything major that's happening in their life. Other than thru blogs. Sorry that I'm such a self centred person that I only focus on what's going on in my life. Labworks to be completed, tests to studied for etc.. Maybe thats the same for them. That's how we lost each other I figured.

Was looking at the photos when i got home. I'm glad the great memories have stayed. Perhaps I should have said to Peanut this afternoon that this conversation is getting dry, Martini Dry. That might have felt nostalagic. Oh well, perhaps we could meet up someday at Siglap again, Althought T-bar is no more there, we can settle for Coffee Club I guess. Happy New Year Guys.

for pinakin : Hey dude perhaps many have already said that to you. Well, you r looking more and more doctor-like. Perhaps u can be my cardiologist someday.