The End or The Beginning

"So this is the end?" I asked.
"Indeed it is... erm.. but isn't this the beginning?" Ding Dong promptly replied.

Optimist he is.. I should learn I guess. Anyways, this has been relatively quite a good year. Though there has been misfortunes.. and there are times that things dun go my way.. Yet, I'm glad for everything...

*Paused*

I tried to recap what i been through for this year.. Guess indeed I should be classified as a happy man. Images that flashes passed are mostly joyous for me. Thoughts are runnning wild now.. I guess I could say thanks.

Thank you to my family, esp mum and dad, for their unselfish love for a selfish brat like me. Sometimes, I felt that I'm so much nicer to my friends than my family. Though I know that I love them more than any friends. I will learn to show them I love them before my chance is forfeited.

Thank you to all my friends. To bear with my nonsense and my problems. There is no need to name. U know u have my friendship.

Thank you to all the gals that I've liked, tried to like and tried to convince to like me. I guess things just did not work out for any of u and me. Yet I'm glad that I've met u all.. And trust me that when I said I liked you... I really meant it at the moment.. Just remember that U truly have my love once..

Thank God... for everything. U are such a wonderful god. I believed I will be ready for what I am born to be.. Becoz now I have faith. I hope I have not disappoint u in all the tests u have set for me.

Enough of thanking... I guess I'm in such a glad mood to be upset with anything.. maybe I've indeed grown up.. No longer the rebellious brat that I used to know.

A new journey has begun.

Changing

Been spending my past few days trying to figure out how to edit the skin and layout of the template of this blog. Well, though progress is rather slow.. At least I can see a change and yes i believed that it is nicer than the previous one.. Anyways, maybe I was just too bored.. or perhaps like i would much like to say inspired by a frd who made his blog so nice that i am ashamed not to do anything about my own.

Anyways, nothing much has been going on in my mind. Like i said been trying to hard to keep my troubled mind busy. Without thoughts, what initially was a choice to to be chosen has now become the undisputable truth.. We can only be "brudders". Many said I got over it rather quickly.. Quickly they would say. To me time is never the measurement of how long it takes to come to terms with failures (or unhappy incidents) rather is the mind work.. in fact its almost torment that i had went thru.. to anknowledge reality.

Well, overall I'm glad... though I was upset. At least I've tried.. She showed her cards,
"I will never like u!" she said.
And I realised that the choice lies in me. Be a loser and persist though there maybe a glimpse of hope that she may be touched one day and win the heart that never have a place for me to be in. Be gracious about it and walk on. I chose to walk. Perhaps, I do not see any light. Perhaps, its my perfectionism at work. If my persistence have lead to a romance... It will never be good, becoz I know that to her I'm never her best.

Oh well, I guess its just another wrong turn in life. I still have faith. To the gal I will eventually ended up with:
After so many wrong turnings I'm glad that I've finally found u. I believe u will feel the same way too. Love U.

Lonely Christmas

My heart is troubled. Troubles are my heart. Confused I am.. or perhaps I'm just avoiding to face the reality. I will always try to think positive. However after what has happened, actually its more of what I thought has happened. My heart has failed me. Yet, I would like to ask and make sure. Friendship I would still like to have if courtship will and perhaps had failed.

Christmas again, lonely again.. Perhaps its a "partying and fun" holiday. The time being alone is much more unbearable. I am weary. Weary of searching, weary of thinking, weary of trying and weary from hurting. My heart bleed or I guess it did. Time to give it a rest I guess...

Once I asked God
"Why must I go thru sufferings? Why not make it smooth sailing? Its so simple I'm sure u can do it i a snap of a finger!!"
He ignored me....
I was angry and frustrated and I lost faith.

Now here I am wearied and I still see no light. But I understand better. Whatever good that comes in my way will definitely be much more appreciated. He had left me to figure things out myself. My only question is when.

The Weary Traveller

The Weary Traveller, trudging along
His heart now dead, devoid of the song
he had began his journey with.
The wrinkles lining his face,
matching the wrinkles lining his feet.
The scars scratched on his feet,
matching the scars scratched on his heart.
Just one of the Many, The Weary Traveller.
Walking alone, the Road of Life, on and on...

Best Frd wrote this when we were facing difficult times.

I'll still walk on.... even if alone.

Knowing Better

This entry is delicated to the new friend I've mentioned in my 1st blog... 4mths 23 days and 12hr and counting now.

The truth is that I only got to know her slighty better while having our "talking cock session" yesterday. We talked a lot I guess. The more important thing is that we started sharing. Sharing of what i can't remember.. mainly secrets i guess (not mentioning). And that's what i call friendship.

How to define "The beginning" of friendship?? Is it the 1st time u met, 1st time u spoke to each other. To me most probably its when u beginning sharing ur life, ur secrets and most important of all ur thoughts. Talking a lot may not mean sharing a lot. Well maybe becoz ding dong talked a lot all the time until I can feel the thirst. But all he have said is to me not of any significance.. Maybe that is his way of communication.. He loved to irritate others and he enjoys others irritations.

I asked ding dong
"Why do u always like to irritate others? Can't u just be nicer? Ppl will grow to dislike u."
His answers surprised me.. I almost thought that he is me. He said
"Well, if I dun irritate them how am I going to get their friendship? They must be comfortable with all these irritations and be comfortable with irritating me then we can be called friends. U dun call ppl who u r uncomfortable with friends, if they dislike me then they can't be my friends right."

This is something I love about ding dong.. and it is this confidence he has in his friends. My confidence in this new friendship has strengthened. On my side its the sharing on ding dong side its the irritation. Maybe at the end of the day, I'm not that different from ding dong. We enjoyed receiving and giving and strengthening friendship though our means may be different.

Somehow I was very thrilled that I've finally opened up myself to my new friend and was equally glad that she had opened up to me. Maybe becoz such events are so memorable becoz they are so rare.

Daddy I Love U! Do I?

Mummy says
" Ah Boy arh, Dad is upset".
Me
"why leh? What's there to be upset abt:.
"You shd know.. think i told u b4."
"ORrrr....."
Then Mum left.

Well.. I totally understand what mum is trying to tell me.. Actually this problem goes back a long way.. Basically my dad feels that we all dun really like/love him.. And especially me. Becoz I'm always so cold towards him. Well, I did not mean to seriously. I just feel that we have not much to talk about. Maybe its just that ever since young i never really talked to him.. Well, I know that this problem existed but i simply cannot be bothered.. But I just wanna says that it upset me to know that he's sad becoz of me..

And there is absolutely zero chance that he will see what I have written here.. simply becoz he dun surf internet and i think he dun even use computer.

Communication between a father and a son. We've known each other since 16th Nov'1982. Yet I think I talked more to a frd I knew for less than a year. Indeed, it is my fault. My efforts to cheer my dad up is never more than a christmas, birthday and fathers' day gift. I never really put in effort to know my dad better. Think I only know when is his birthday.. I'm not even sure of where he works and what he does.. I declare I'm a lousy son..

But maybe daddy's right. I dun really love him. But I really appreciate all the nice things he did to pamper me. Probably I love him. But maybe it is just not enough. I'm seeing him everyday. I can easily do something.. Maybe I shd start with not being so cold towards my dad.

Daddy I LOVE U!!! How I wished that he used internet and come read my blog.. Why can't I say it to him...

I HATE COMPUTER

Once again I am defeated...
Not in the hands of anyone but my very own desktop....

I really dunno what happened?? It just keep crashing and crashing and crashing..
I just can't take it anymore.. Now I'm using my laptop..

I gave up liao.. Really pissed me off.

Biochem.. biochem...
Stop bugging me.. but I just can't stop thinking off then coming test. Why are they so evil to put the test straight after hols.. I cannot even enjoy myself to the fullest.. And best not I'm falling sick.

Falling into depression.

Bleach Hair=Bad Hair

Went to highlight my hair yesterday... Well its my 1st time so basically I've no idea how things gonna turn out.. Anyways, now I know. Its okay to colour your hair.. just DUN BLEACH it!!!!

My folks dun really like my new look.. personally i dun like it very much too.. think i look like ah beng. Haiz.. at least for once ding dong and I agreed upon something. But he blamed me for spoiling his hair.. Fair enuff I'm the one who wanna have the hair dyed. He did mentioned before that he's happy with his black hair.. Anyways what done cannot be undone.. think I'll just it grow... Probably next time I'll just dye it and not bleach la...

Basically this weekend SUX!!!! Did nothing.. never even mug. Dunno why I simply cannot get down to studying although the ding dong test is really really close.. probably I'm just lazy. Probably there's a better reason. Like Helen Keller said "Your Heart has its Reasons that reasons do not understand."

Thanks Is All I Can Say

This blog is now really public. Think my new frds just wanna know how am I feeling after hearing the bad news. Quite touched indeed.

A sweet yet blur looking frd come up to me today during our lab lesson.
"Hey (My name) are u okay?"
I was a little stunned.
"Yah, I'm okay. Why?" I replied
"I read your blog. You sounded very sad."she said and I saw the sympathy in her eyes. I'm very touched.

Little did I expect that something I written here will catch anyone's attention. Even if it did, I dun think anyone will care. So, I'm really quite surprised. Thanks is all I can say.

Still I wasn't exactly in the best of mood today. Pissed with a frd today when she was simply being her usual self trying to irritate me. I was too harsh to her I believe. She accepted my rubbish.

Nice little cute frd said again
"You are in a bad mood doesn't mean that the whole world and to bear with your rubbish".

Thanks is all that I can say. (For putting up with my rubbish)

Pre-Birthday Depression

"I got Pre-birthday depression..." I said
"Why depressed?" ding dong asked
"Shouldn't you be very excited over the coming party.. well if you are not.. how come I am?" ding dong continued.

Actually the truth is that I simply neutral about the coming Saturday party. Ppl has been asking me if I'm excited. Ppl like mother especially. I always will ponder for a moment and decided to say yes. Not because I am truly excited but I think mummy is expecting that reply. Well, I guess I really owe my mummy and sister this time round.. They are the ones coordinating the whole event.. I did nothing and as a matter of fact dun feel like doing anything.

Friends has been asking me. How to get to the venue of your party? Why choose such a f**k up place? I was quite pissed. Coz my mum chose the place. And since its my party who are you to criticise. Actually is more disappointed with them lah.. If inaccessibility is gonna stop they from coming. I'll see who actually deserve my friendship.

Maybe becoz of that it really affect my mood for the party. Can't really be bothered to call and confirm if ppl will be coming. Just think that I've invited them, done my part as friend liao. Now, its their time to make their choice.

Well, of course there are good frds.. who will be there.. without questioning..

Probably there are other things bothering me also. Growing up is a chore.. problems that never seems problematic keeps bothering me these days.. Probably its more of quarter-life crisis than pre-bday depression.

I wanna be like ding dong who is forever happy... But like he said "if I'm not, how come he is?"

Growing Up

Bad news from frds and abt frds... Thought matters never involve me... Yet, it does somehow. Troubled I am now. Helpless as always.

Story about 2 guys 1 gal. I known not for long but good frds I could feel.. Could there ever be platonic relationship.. I assume no. From what's happening to them.

To simplify complicated story:
1 attached guy(A)+1 unattached guy(B)+1 used to be unattached gal(C)
B liked C.. but think that things wun work out and gave up
C got attached with guy she dun like (D) becoz of companionship
A declare to C that he likes her. C says she likes B.
A upset coz he know C and D will not last. Will be upset if C is hurted.
A dun wanna see C anymore, things cannot be normal anymore.
B dun wanna things to turn out this way. Troubled and helpless.

Still quite luan i guess.. was complaining to a new frd abt it like 20min ago. Realised that self-sympathy is good for health.

Growing up in never good for health. You grow towards death and experience unhappiness along the way. That's why I like to avoid it.

Ding dong is damn good at it. He is forever having a hell of a good time. Be it during Anatomy CA or Sentosa. He never seems to grow up mentally. Can be ignorance or choose to ignore of the problems thrown to him.

Sometimes I'm jealous of him. Why am I enduring all the shits and he have all the fun.

'Why r u always happy?' I asked
'Becoz u take all the shit' Ding Dong answered without a shadow of a doubt
'I shd have known better. But why me?' I questioned
'Well you choose to care, choose to grow up. You chose yourself' Ding Dong said in a smiley face the very face that I wonder if its natural or fake.
Coz he always show ppl his smiley face even when I'm upset.

Talking to Ding Dong isn't therapeutic at all coz he dun care at all. In fact now, I felt worse...

Post Anatomy....

Been mugging really hard for the pass two days.. To make up for all the time I spent on fun and laughter over the long weekend.. Well.. at least its worth it. I always loved anat even upon time of crisis (test) I stand by what I loved.. Still I'm glad its over.

Weird as it sounds, does relationship have any similarities? Sure it does.. there will always be time of crisis where you have to stand by your love and sail through it. It may be tough, or even disheartening at times. But at the end of the days... its worth it. Be it friendship, family or your special someone.

Ding Dong is over the moon.. he has already lined up a series of programmes after anatomy. Matrix Revolution next week. Sentosa with the class hopely yet remotely possible this Friday.

Anyways dinner with class was great.. Its always the company not the food..
Favourite topic of the meal: Rising Of A Hero

He is my lab partner, Clement. Nice dude, gentleman is what the gals will say about him.
The question is how did he become a hero?
3 sentences is all it takes.
You think this is irritating.
At least its better than your whistling.
This is how frank I can get.

From Clement to Whistling Jonathan.
Moment of silence... laughter from ppl ard eg. Ding Dong

Jonathan is our class rep. He can really whistle but sometimes a bit irritating (general perception). But no one ever raise the issue to him until today.

Poor Jon, he's quite a nice chap afterall... what went wrong?

Party Or No Party

I was in my room mugging as usual, this time is anatomy. My mum knocked on my door and with her usual smiley face she asked, "So ah boy how?"

Then, I asked myself,
"To party or not to party. Its a lot of money dude.. $42/person dun waste it."
Then Ding Dong tell me,
"But you wanted it right. And its gonna be something memorable for life. Most importantly of all its gonna be real fun."

I look at Netters and decided to mug.. leaving matters undecided.

Think my folks can tell that I would really love to have a celebration yet I'm concern about the cost of the party. So the next day my mum simply tell me that we are gonna have the celebration. I feel touched yet guilty. Touched by their love for me. Guilty for I dunno if I deserve such love.

Ding Dong is overjoyed anyways as if its only his own party. He's already saying that his frd will be so jealous of him. Can't stand that attitude of his man

Anyways at the end of the day. The party is on...on 15th Nov'2003. Venue: Republic Of Singapore Yatch Club.

Return Of The Ding Dong

New frd (2mth and 26 days 10hr and counting) from Ding Dong's School reminded me of blog. That's why I'm back.

Lotsa to updates about Ding Dong. Thru writing I discover the sanity in the Ding Dong. Learning to like him better.. actually is learning to appreciate his presence better.. Yet there are times I feel that I'm losing control of Ding Dong.