"So this is the end?" I asked.
"Indeed it is... erm.. but isn't this the beginning?" Ding Dong promptly replied.
Optimist he is.. I should learn I guess. Anyways, this has been relatively quite a good year. Though there has been misfortunes.. and there are times that things dun go my way.. Yet, I'm glad for everything...
*Paused*
I tried to recap what i been through for this year.. Guess indeed I should be classified as a happy man. Images that flashes passed are mostly joyous for me. Thoughts are runnning wild now.. I guess I could say thanks.
Thank you to my family, esp mum and dad, for their unselfish love for a selfish brat like me. Sometimes, I felt that I'm so much nicer to my friends than my family. Though I know that I love them more than any friends. I will learn to show them I love them before my chance is forfeited.
Thank you to all my friends. To bear with my nonsense and my problems. There is no need to name. U know u have my friendship.
Thank you to all the gals that I've liked, tried to like and tried to convince to like me. I guess things just did not work out for any of u and me. Yet I'm glad that I've met u all.. And trust me that when I said I liked you... I really meant it at the moment.. Just remember that U truly have my love once..
Thank God... for everything. U are such a wonderful god. I believed I will be ready for what I am born to be.. Becoz now I have faith. I hope I have not disappoint u in all the tests u have set for me.
Enough of thanking... I guess I'm in such a glad mood to be upset with anything.. maybe I've indeed grown up.. No longer the rebellious brat that I used to know.
A new journey has begun.
Wednesday, December 31, 2003
Saturday, December 27, 2003
Changing
Been spending my past few days trying to figure out how to edit the skin and layout of the template of this blog. Well, though progress is rather slow.. At least I can see a change and yes i believed that it is nicer than the previous one.. Anyways, maybe I was just too bored.. or perhaps like i would much like to say inspired by a frd who made his blog so nice that i am ashamed not to do anything about my own.
Anyways, nothing much has been going on in my mind. Like i said been trying to hard to keep my troubled mind busy. Without thoughts, what initially was a choice to to be chosen has now become the undisputable truth.. We can only be "brudders". Many said I got over it rather quickly.. Quickly they would say. To me time is never the measurement of how long it takes to come to terms with failures (or unhappy incidents) rather is the mind work.. in fact its almost torment that i had went thru.. to anknowledge reality.
Well, overall I'm glad... though I was upset. At least I've tried.. She showed her cards,
"I will never like u!" she said.
And I realised that the choice lies in me. Be a loser and persist though there maybe a glimpse of hope that she may be touched one day and win the heart that never have a place for me to be in. Be gracious about it and walk on. I chose to walk. Perhaps, I do not see any light. Perhaps, its my perfectionism at work. If my persistence have lead to a romance... It will never be good, becoz I know that to her I'm never her best.
Oh well, I guess its just another wrong turn in life. I still have faith. To the gal I will eventually ended up with:
After so many wrong turnings I'm glad that I've finally found u. I believe u will feel the same way too. Love U.
Anyways, nothing much has been going on in my mind. Like i said been trying to hard to keep my troubled mind busy. Without thoughts, what initially was a choice to to be chosen has now become the undisputable truth.. We can only be "brudders". Many said I got over it rather quickly.. Quickly they would say. To me time is never the measurement of how long it takes to come to terms with failures (or unhappy incidents) rather is the mind work.. in fact its almost torment that i had went thru.. to anknowledge reality.
Well, overall I'm glad... though I was upset. At least I've tried.. She showed her cards,
"I will never like u!" she said.
And I realised that the choice lies in me. Be a loser and persist though there maybe a glimpse of hope that she may be touched one day and win the heart that never have a place for me to be in. Be gracious about it and walk on. I chose to walk. Perhaps, I do not see any light. Perhaps, its my perfectionism at work. If my persistence have lead to a romance... It will never be good, becoz I know that to her I'm never her best.
Oh well, I guess its just another wrong turn in life. I still have faith. To the gal I will eventually ended up with:
After so many wrong turnings I'm glad that I've finally found u. I believe u will feel the same way too. Love U.
Wednesday, December 24, 2003
Lonely Christmas
My heart is troubled. Troubles are my heart. Confused I am.. or perhaps I'm just avoiding to face the reality. I will always try to think positive. However after what has happened, actually its more of what I thought has happened. My heart has failed me. Yet, I would like to ask and make sure. Friendship I would still like to have if courtship will and perhaps had failed.
Christmas again, lonely again.. Perhaps its a "partying and fun" holiday. The time being alone is much more unbearable. I am weary. Weary of searching, weary of thinking, weary of trying and weary from hurting. My heart bleed or I guess it did. Time to give it a rest I guess...
Once I asked God
"Why must I go thru sufferings? Why not make it smooth sailing? Its so simple I'm sure u can do it i a snap of a finger!!"
He ignored me....
I was angry and frustrated and I lost faith.
Now here I am wearied and I still see no light. But I understand better. Whatever good that comes in my way will definitely be much more appreciated. He had left me to figure things out myself. My only question is when.
The Weary Traveller
The Weary Traveller, trudging along
His heart now dead, devoid of the song
he had began his journey with.
The wrinkles lining his face,
matching the wrinkles lining his feet.
The scars scratched on his feet,
matching the scars scratched on his heart.
Just one of the Many, The Weary Traveller.
Walking alone, the Road of Life, on and on...
Best Frd wrote this when we were facing difficult times.
I'll still walk on.... even if alone.
Christmas again, lonely again.. Perhaps its a "partying and fun" holiday. The time being alone is much more unbearable. I am weary. Weary of searching, weary of thinking, weary of trying and weary from hurting. My heart bleed or I guess it did. Time to give it a rest I guess...
Once I asked God
"Why must I go thru sufferings? Why not make it smooth sailing? Its so simple I'm sure u can do it i a snap of a finger!!"
He ignored me....
I was angry and frustrated and I lost faith.
Now here I am wearied and I still see no light. But I understand better. Whatever good that comes in my way will definitely be much more appreciated. He had left me to figure things out myself. My only question is when.
The Weary Traveller
The Weary Traveller, trudging along
His heart now dead, devoid of the song
he had began his journey with.
The wrinkles lining his face,
matching the wrinkles lining his feet.
The scars scratched on his feet,
matching the scars scratched on his heart.
Just one of the Many, The Weary Traveller.
Walking alone, the Road of Life, on and on...
Best Frd wrote this when we were facing difficult times.
I'll still walk on.... even if alone.
Sunday, December 21, 2003
Knowing Better
This entry is delicated to the new friend I've mentioned in my 1st blog... 4mths 23 days and 12hr and counting now.
The truth is that I only got to know her slighty better while having our "talking cock session" yesterday. We talked a lot I guess. The more important thing is that we started sharing. Sharing of what i can't remember.. mainly secrets i guess (not mentioning). And that's what i call friendship.
How to define "The beginning" of friendship?? Is it the 1st time u met, 1st time u spoke to each other. To me most probably its when u beginning sharing ur life, ur secrets and most important of all ur thoughts. Talking a lot may not mean sharing a lot. Well maybe becoz ding dong talked a lot all the time until I can feel the thirst. But all he have said is to me not of any significance.. Maybe that is his way of communication.. He loved to irritate others and he enjoys others irritations.
I asked ding dong
"Why do u always like to irritate others? Can't u just be nicer? Ppl will grow to dislike u."
His answers surprised me.. I almost thought that he is me. He said
"Well, if I dun irritate them how am I going to get their friendship? They must be comfortable with all these irritations and be comfortable with irritating me then we can be called friends. U dun call ppl who u r uncomfortable with friends, if they dislike me then they can't be my friends right."
This is something I love about ding dong.. and it is this confidence he has in his friends. My confidence in this new friendship has strengthened. On my side its the sharing on ding dong side its the irritation. Maybe at the end of the day, I'm not that different from ding dong. We enjoyed receiving and giving and strengthening friendship though our means may be different.
Somehow I was very thrilled that I've finally opened up myself to my new friend and was equally glad that she had opened up to me. Maybe becoz such events are so memorable becoz they are so rare.
The truth is that I only got to know her slighty better while having our "talking cock session" yesterday. We talked a lot I guess. The more important thing is that we started sharing. Sharing of what i can't remember.. mainly secrets i guess (not mentioning). And that's what i call friendship.
How to define "The beginning" of friendship?? Is it the 1st time u met, 1st time u spoke to each other. To me most probably its when u beginning sharing ur life, ur secrets and most important of all ur thoughts. Talking a lot may not mean sharing a lot. Well maybe becoz ding dong talked a lot all the time until I can feel the thirst. But all he have said is to me not of any significance.. Maybe that is his way of communication.. He loved to irritate others and he enjoys others irritations.
I asked ding dong
"Why do u always like to irritate others? Can't u just be nicer? Ppl will grow to dislike u."
His answers surprised me.. I almost thought that he is me. He said
"Well, if I dun irritate them how am I going to get their friendship? They must be comfortable with all these irritations and be comfortable with irritating me then we can be called friends. U dun call ppl who u r uncomfortable with friends, if they dislike me then they can't be my friends right."
This is something I love about ding dong.. and it is this confidence he has in his friends. My confidence in this new friendship has strengthened. On my side its the sharing on ding dong side its the irritation. Maybe at the end of the day, I'm not that different from ding dong. We enjoyed receiving and giving and strengthening friendship though our means may be different.
Somehow I was very thrilled that I've finally opened up myself to my new friend and was equally glad that she had opened up to me. Maybe becoz such events are so memorable becoz they are so rare.
Thursday, December 18, 2003
Daddy I Love U! Do I?
Mummy says
" Ah Boy arh, Dad is upset".
Me
"why leh? What's there to be upset abt:.
"You shd know.. think i told u b4."
"ORrrr....."
Then Mum left.
Well.. I totally understand what mum is trying to tell me.. Actually this problem goes back a long way.. Basically my dad feels that we all dun really like/love him.. And especially me. Becoz I'm always so cold towards him. Well, I did not mean to seriously. I just feel that we have not much to talk about. Maybe its just that ever since young i never really talked to him.. Well, I know that this problem existed but i simply cannot be bothered.. But I just wanna says that it upset me to know that he's sad becoz of me..
And there is absolutely zero chance that he will see what I have written here.. simply becoz he dun surf internet and i think he dun even use computer.
Communication between a father and a son. We've known each other since 16th Nov'1982. Yet I think I talked more to a frd I knew for less than a year. Indeed, it is my fault. My efforts to cheer my dad up is never more than a christmas, birthday and fathers' day gift. I never really put in effort to know my dad better. Think I only know when is his birthday.. I'm not even sure of where he works and what he does.. I declare I'm a lousy son..
But maybe daddy's right. I dun really love him. But I really appreciate all the nice things he did to pamper me. Probably I love him. But maybe it is just not enough. I'm seeing him everyday. I can easily do something.. Maybe I shd start with not being so cold towards my dad.
Daddy I LOVE U!!! How I wished that he used internet and come read my blog.. Why can't I say it to him...
" Ah Boy arh, Dad is upset".
Me
"why leh? What's there to be upset abt:.
"You shd know.. think i told u b4."
"ORrrr....."
Then Mum left.
Well.. I totally understand what mum is trying to tell me.. Actually this problem goes back a long way.. Basically my dad feels that we all dun really like/love him.. And especially me. Becoz I'm always so cold towards him. Well, I did not mean to seriously. I just feel that we have not much to talk about. Maybe its just that ever since young i never really talked to him.. Well, I know that this problem existed but i simply cannot be bothered.. But I just wanna says that it upset me to know that he's sad becoz of me..
And there is absolutely zero chance that he will see what I have written here.. simply becoz he dun surf internet and i think he dun even use computer.
Communication between a father and a son. We've known each other since 16th Nov'1982. Yet I think I talked more to a frd I knew for less than a year. Indeed, it is my fault. My efforts to cheer my dad up is never more than a christmas, birthday and fathers' day gift. I never really put in effort to know my dad better. Think I only know when is his birthday.. I'm not even sure of where he works and what he does.. I declare I'm a lousy son..
But maybe daddy's right. I dun really love him. But I really appreciate all the nice things he did to pamper me. Probably I love him. But maybe it is just not enough. I'm seeing him everyday. I can easily do something.. Maybe I shd start with not being so cold towards my dad.
Daddy I LOVE U!!! How I wished that he used internet and come read my blog.. Why can't I say it to him...
Wednesday, December 17, 2003
I HATE COMPUTER
Once again I am defeated...
Not in the hands of anyone but my very own desktop....
I really dunno what happened?? It just keep crashing and crashing and crashing..
I just can't take it anymore.. Now I'm using my laptop..
I gave up liao.. Really pissed me off.
Biochem.. biochem...
Stop bugging me.. but I just can't stop thinking off then coming test. Why are they so evil to put the test straight after hols.. I cannot even enjoy myself to the fullest.. And best not I'm falling sick.
Falling into depression.
Not in the hands of anyone but my very own desktop....
I really dunno what happened?? It just keep crashing and crashing and crashing..
I just can't take it anymore.. Now I'm using my laptop..
I gave up liao.. Really pissed me off.
Biochem.. biochem...
Stop bugging me.. but I just can't stop thinking off then coming test. Why are they so evil to put the test straight after hols.. I cannot even enjoy myself to the fullest.. And best not I'm falling sick.
Falling into depression.
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